DA’s ... why do they keep coming back?

I am not too won over by all this pop psychology and "love addict" stuff. I had a friend who went to Love Addicts Anonymous meetings for years and she was DA and stayed single for something like 10 years and still has the same issues she always had

I think it's three things going on...

1) There's more chance of a secure staying married / being already taken because they're better at finding and keeping love.

2) I think that secure people who have a lot of confidence are going to often walk away from a DA or an AP because it will just seem wrong to them when the person behaves either cold and confusing or clingy.

3) I think as ultimately all people with disrupted attachment, whether AP or DA or FA are all in the same situation (I want love but it also scares me) they are probably all psychologically drawn to impossible / difficult relationships with people who's own attachment issues prevent them from ever really having a normal /easy relationship. the ultimate get out clause.

4) Some of us seek to repeat the past or dynamics which have hurt us, so someone with a dismissive father might seek a dismissive partner. Human nature and a lot of people do this.

I don't think it means, curious, that you and you're partner aren't perfectly suited together in terms of everything - attachment style is only one part of a relationship and there's many other elements to compatibility. It's only a bad habit for as long as both people are acting whatever their role is in denial.

David, thisnis interesting because I think a lot of the time they don't come back necessarily but they would be "fine" if you pursued them again and made the effort to date them again. At least that's my experience. Ive had two endings with my last ex DA. The fist time she found someone new and that didn't work out and a few months later I saw her out and we ended up spending the night and then slowly started dating again. We broke up because I wanted a relationship after 4 months and she told me not to wait around so I ended it. No contact for a few more months. Then I saw her out again and we hung out that night and I asked her on another date a week later. We dated for 8 months and I finally got a label on us and then she did the same things she did the last time around so I broke up with her. That was 2 months ago. So maybe she would be ok with hanging out again but I'm never expecting my phone to ring. It's me that made the effor. It's me that always made the effor. As much as I am obsessed with her I'm strong enough to walk away because I know I can find something better for me.