Post by yasmin on Jan 7, 2018 0:54:22 GMT
I just read this on a website about the approach-avoidance cycle and thought it was shareworthy!
People who experience Approach-Avoidance Conflicts in romantic relationships remain stuck in their loneliness and despair. As long as the conflict cycle continues so too will the misery. If you desire to be close but you always pull away, it’s clear to see that you’ll never have what you want-true intimacy. Things will stay the same, meaning if you’re currently unhappy, you’ll stay unhappy. Unless you can turn love into a 100% approachable situation, you will continue to poison the flower you’re trying so desperately to grow.
By changing the way you think about the situation, you can turn around your love-related Approach-Avoidance Conflict. Are you happy with your ambivalence? Are you happy repeating the near-far cycle, which makes stability impossible? If it’s been going on for long enough, then, of course, the answer is no. Since you’re already unhappy, you have nothing to lose by facing your fear of intimacy and letting your partner in, taking your walls down, and, at least, enjoying some love before the (as you see it) inevitable break-up.
Another strategy is to build more space or "alone time" into the relationship so that you won’t feel the need to pull away. This will involve the generally codependent partner also being less needy and controlling. In other words, building more space into the relationship is a win-win that helps both parties get healthier.
Another point to consider is the #1 tenet of the Eightfold Path of Buddhism, which is loosely equivalent to the Ten Commandments of Christianity. Quite simply, that ground-breaking idea is that pain is unavoidable. This is what the Buddha came to realize as he sat meditating under the tree for years on end. That pain is unavoidable is a fact of life that you are not going to change. The sooner you accept this, the healthier your love life can be. It is better than to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. The truth is without the existence of white, there is no black. Likewise, if all you ever knew was love and nothing else, it would not be too special. What makes love so good is having known that the opposite of love-pain-is so terrible. So, in actuality, if you find yourself living an Approach-Avoidance Conflict with love, whatever hurt drove you to that behavior also has the capacity to allow you to love deeper than others who’ve never been so broken. In other words, if you let it, your pain can be the key to a better, more special, deeper love than other people have.
People who experience Approach-Avoidance Conflicts in romantic relationships remain stuck in their loneliness and despair. As long as the conflict cycle continues so too will the misery. If you desire to be close but you always pull away, it’s clear to see that you’ll never have what you want-true intimacy. Things will stay the same, meaning if you’re currently unhappy, you’ll stay unhappy. Unless you can turn love into a 100% approachable situation, you will continue to poison the flower you’re trying so desperately to grow.
By changing the way you think about the situation, you can turn around your love-related Approach-Avoidance Conflict. Are you happy with your ambivalence? Are you happy repeating the near-far cycle, which makes stability impossible? If it’s been going on for long enough, then, of course, the answer is no. Since you’re already unhappy, you have nothing to lose by facing your fear of intimacy and letting your partner in, taking your walls down, and, at least, enjoying some love before the (as you see it) inevitable break-up.
Another strategy is to build more space or "alone time" into the relationship so that you won’t feel the need to pull away. This will involve the generally codependent partner also being less needy and controlling. In other words, building more space into the relationship is a win-win that helps both parties get healthier.
Another point to consider is the #1 tenet of the Eightfold Path of Buddhism, which is loosely equivalent to the Ten Commandments of Christianity. Quite simply, that ground-breaking idea is that pain is unavoidable. This is what the Buddha came to realize as he sat meditating under the tree for years on end. That pain is unavoidable is a fact of life that you are not going to change. The sooner you accept this, the healthier your love life can be. It is better than to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. The truth is without the existence of white, there is no black. Likewise, if all you ever knew was love and nothing else, it would not be too special. What makes love so good is having known that the opposite of love-pain-is so terrible. So, in actuality, if you find yourself living an Approach-Avoidance Conflict with love, whatever hurt drove you to that behavior also has the capacity to allow you to love deeper than others who’ve never been so broken. In other words, if you let it, your pain can be the key to a better, more special, deeper love than other people have.