Post by Deleted on Jan 10, 2018 0:19:32 GMT
I promised not to reach out to my Avoidantly attached ex again. He requested no contact as talking about the relationship makes him anxious. So I a m going to post my letter here to get this out of my system:
Hi Bug,
I don’t know if you will get this. I hope you do and that you read it.
Bug, I want to thank you again for being honest with me when I last texted you. It was what I needed to hear to finally have some closure. I’m not going to write another apology letter full of explanations of why I felt hurt or guesses as to why you feel the way you do. I’m not writing because I want something from you. Honestly, I never wanted anything from you except for you to love me and cherish me. I am happy to finally be able to give a name to the one thing that I genuinely need. Above all else, I need to be cherished. But you need to be respected. So that is why I won’t reach out to you again after I’ve said my piece here.
It's ok that you are not in love with me. I wouldn’t describe the way I feel about you as “in love” either. I realized that haven’t felt “in love” with you for a long time the way that people usually tend to define it. I guess I feel a lot like you described. I care about you deeply and you matter a lot to me. And you know that. I know that you have always known that. That to me, is much more meaningful than being “in love”.
The most threatening thing I ever did to you, was love you. I have no need to apologize for that. But that love might have been too much of a threat. I know that nothing you did was done with the intent to hurt me. It would only be speculation but I speculate that there are pains that I believe you suffer that may be too much for you to face and doing so is not something any other person can force you to do. But, I tell you, pushing everyone away isn’t going to make those things any better.
I don’t know what all happened in your life that brought you to where you are now. Or the full weight of what you feel day to day. I guess I wanted more than anything, for you to trust me with those feelings. I think you know that, had I know what it was you needed to feel, if had been possible for you to communicate those needs to me, then I would have stopped at nothing to make you feel everything you needed to feel.
I am writing this letter because I need to let you know that I am not angry with you, I do not hate you. I am finally able to see where I should be grateful that you had the farsightedness to see that you didn’t want me to be trapped in a long term relationship where my needs were not going to be met. I suppose I was just traumatized and confused because you couldn’t tell me why it had to be this way. I do wish that you could have understood the reasons enough to help me to understand early on. I think that would have helped both of us move on a lot faster and without as much pain.
Please remember this about me; I was not someone in your life who abandoned you. I had no hidden agenda, I wasn’t insincere in what I felt for you. I wish that I could have given you the large amount of space that you required, but that is just not conducive to a relationship, at least any relationship that I will be a part of. True, some space is good, you know that I understand that and agree with that 100%, but you needed something different and I just couldn’t give that to you.
I, on the other hand, needed to be able to love you and express that love freely and for whatever reason I don’t feel like I was allowed to do that. Perhaps this is in part why you didn’t feel everything you thought you should feel.
I know that on some level, you really do love me. I appreciate that. I wish you could see yourself the way I see you. It doesn’t matter if you believe me or not, the fact is you have so much good inside of you. Although, you feel that we can’t be in a relationship, I am with you always. Bug, I forgive you and I forgive myself.
Hi Bug,
I don’t know if you will get this. I hope you do and that you read it.
Bug, I want to thank you again for being honest with me when I last texted you. It was what I needed to hear to finally have some closure. I’m not going to write another apology letter full of explanations of why I felt hurt or guesses as to why you feel the way you do. I’m not writing because I want something from you. Honestly, I never wanted anything from you except for you to love me and cherish me. I am happy to finally be able to give a name to the one thing that I genuinely need. Above all else, I need to be cherished. But you need to be respected. So that is why I won’t reach out to you again after I’ve said my piece here.
It's ok that you are not in love with me. I wouldn’t describe the way I feel about you as “in love” either. I realized that haven’t felt “in love” with you for a long time the way that people usually tend to define it. I guess I feel a lot like you described. I care about you deeply and you matter a lot to me. And you know that. I know that you have always known that. That to me, is much more meaningful than being “in love”.
The most threatening thing I ever did to you, was love you. I have no need to apologize for that. But that love might have been too much of a threat. I know that nothing you did was done with the intent to hurt me. It would only be speculation but I speculate that there are pains that I believe you suffer that may be too much for you to face and doing so is not something any other person can force you to do. But, I tell you, pushing everyone away isn’t going to make those things any better.
I don’t know what all happened in your life that brought you to where you are now. Or the full weight of what you feel day to day. I guess I wanted more than anything, for you to trust me with those feelings. I think you know that, had I know what it was you needed to feel, if had been possible for you to communicate those needs to me, then I would have stopped at nothing to make you feel everything you needed to feel.
I am writing this letter because I need to let you know that I am not angry with you, I do not hate you. I am finally able to see where I should be grateful that you had the farsightedness to see that you didn’t want me to be trapped in a long term relationship where my needs were not going to be met. I suppose I was just traumatized and confused because you couldn’t tell me why it had to be this way. I do wish that you could have understood the reasons enough to help me to understand early on. I think that would have helped both of us move on a lot faster and without as much pain.
Please remember this about me; I was not someone in your life who abandoned you. I had no hidden agenda, I wasn’t insincere in what I felt for you. I wish that I could have given you the large amount of space that you required, but that is just not conducive to a relationship, at least any relationship that I will be a part of. True, some space is good, you know that I understand that and agree with that 100%, but you needed something different and I just couldn’t give that to you.
I, on the other hand, needed to be able to love you and express that love freely and for whatever reason I don’t feel like I was allowed to do that. Perhaps this is in part why you didn’t feel everything you thought you should feel.
I know that on some level, you really do love me. I appreciate that. I wish you could see yourself the way I see you. It doesn’t matter if you believe me or not, the fact is you have so much good inside of you. Although, you feel that we can’t be in a relationship, I am with you always. Bug, I forgive you and I forgive myself.
