katy
Sticky Post Powers
Posts: 147 
|
Post by katy on May 16, 2016 2:08:43 GMT
I think that many of us have struggled with feeling very rejected and really doubting ourselves when an avoidant rejects us. I also think that it's really hard to see, in your own personal interactions with an avoidant, that they are operating out of their established frame of reference and that there's nothing that you could have done or said to change how an avoidant behaves with you. They have a pattern of behavior that is very established.
It's much easier to see the avoidant pattern when it happens to somebody else. Today, I heard the story of how an avoidant apparently adored and then rejected a woman whom my husband and I have known for over 20 years. Again, her story was similar to the stories that we're all sharing.
Our friend is very beautiful divorcee in her 40's who is very involved with her children, rescues animals, and is extremely friendly and kind. She told us the story of reconnecting with a man whom she had known in high school. She knew that he was a divorced father who seemed very caring towards his children. When they got together last year, he swept her off her feet. She insisted that things go slowly so that they had ample opportunity to be sure that their relationship was good. When they got engaged, they even went to a marriage counselor just to be sure that their marriage would be successful.
All of her friends liked her fiancé. My husband had even met him and thought he was great. My husband was impressed at the time that they seemed to have a good, stable relationship. We were very happy for her that she was going to marry somebody so nice.
She was reluctant to sell her house that she had worked so hard to buy, but he assured her that he loved her so much and that they would be happier in his larger home. She moved in with him and everything seemed to be going well. She put her house on the market, and, when it was about to close, he suddenly announced that she wasn't the person whom he'd thought that she was and that it was over. He told her that she would have to move out of his house immediately.
She was devastated and ashamed as she moved herself and her children in with her mother. At that point, she did some much more serious digging and discovered his other two very short marriages when he lived out-of-state and she also found out about the broken engagement right before he met her.
He's obviously an avoidant and, when the rejected person is somebody whom I know and like, it's so easy to see that none of this was her fault. He was in his 40's, he had known her since high school, he had ample opportunity to re-assess her before they got engaged, and he essentially lied to the marriage counselor.
When I talked with my friend, I was able to tell her about avoidants, and her story made it so clear to me that avoidants seem to operate on a type of auto-pilot. His rejection of her had nothing to do with her, it had to do with his pattern.
I hope that this, once again, very sad story will help other people to realize that an avoidant's response to you is not personal, it's a very established behavior pattern.
Katy
|
|
|
|
Post by Jaeger on May 16, 2016 11:48:20 GMT
Hi Katy,
I agree with your conclusion that it's not personal but caused by a thought- and behavioral pattern. The main reason why I think that pattern leads to such pain and self-doubt in the partner of the dismissive avoidant is that the pattern is comprised of finding fault with them as a distancing strategy.
At first, this may lead to a resentment in the avoidant that isn't voiced, while later it becomes more overt. The constant judging (and being deemed lacking) that I could sense from her and the critical view of me that my avoidant partner expressed, in hindsight, made me feel like nothing I ever did was good enough and had me walking on eggshells ever since the avoidant behaviour started showing itself. While this resentment is meant to keep a partner from getting close, the risk you run while in a relationship with an avoidant is to take it all to heart, reflecting on yourself and your actions to see if the fault may indeed be with you and deciding (a part of) it is. (Going from 'nothing I do is ever good enough' to 'maybe I'M not good enough') In my own case, this is what made me become more anxious about our relationship.
All of this while, as you know, Jeb clarified that this blame and the eventual reasons they 'invent' for themselves to be able to break off relationships don't have to be based on reality. They convince themselves of something and cannot be moved to see it differently.
While heartbreaking when this happens, an important question to ask yourself after a breakup like this is: Now that you know this person for what they really are, with what they can and cannot give you, do you believe there was ever a way they could have made you truly happy? Wether it's as a friend or as a partner, I think if we're being completely honest with ourselves, most of us don't believe that to be the case.
|
|
katy
Sticky Post Powers
Posts: 147
|
Post by katy on May 16, 2016 14:21:19 GMT
Jaeger,
I agree, the untrue criticism and rejection that the avoidant uses as a distancing technique can be easily internalized by the person who is the target. I think the power of the criticism is probably based on current-life events as well as touching on old insecurities.
In current life, when we've developed what feels like a trusting relationship with an avoidant, that's when the avoidant feels the need to start the distancing behaviors. Avoidants begin distancing themselves from people with whom they are involved, not incidental people in their lives with whom they just have trivial relationships. When a trusted person suddenly turns on you, many people's first instinct is to try to figure out if they did something wrong so that they can rectify the situation. When the avoidant isn't interested in resolving the issue and instead escalates the criticism, it can feel very terrible and hopeless.
Then, that feeling of being unfairly criticized, which can quickly morph into feeling unworthy and rejected, along with the anxiety caused by the avoidant's erratic response patterns, can push a person back into very old insecurities. As you said, it seems very easy to go from being told that what you're doing isn't good enough to feeling that you're not good enough.
Now that I've got some perspective, I can clearly see that having a relationship with an avoidant who feels triggered by me and feels the need to push me away is no-win for me. I now understand that I have a susceptibility to this kind of criticism and rejection and I can also see that whatever shreds of friendship might be still be there with an avoidant are not worth all of those negative feelings. For me, it's definitely not healthy, or pleasant, to associate with a person who feels the need to be cruel to push people away.
I do feel that it is possible to get along well with avoidants if they don't feel triggered and need to push you away. As an example, I have a doctor with whom I've had a good relationship for many years. I'm pretty sure that my doctor, who has had five wives, is probably an avoidant in his personal life. But, our relationship is very bounded by our doctor / patient roles and there has never been a hint of any avoidant behavior from him towards me. We've always had a very cordial, professional relationship.
I think that, in my case, just understanding that avoidants do exist and understanding how they feel the need to push people away, will go a long way in protecting me if I'm ever in a similar situation. I'll be able to realize that this behavior is the avoidant's pattern to push people away and that it's really not directed personally at me.
Best wishes,
Katy |
|
|
|
Post by Jaeger on May 16, 2016 17:08:04 GMT
Katy,
It is definitely possible to have a functioning (casual) relationship with an avoidant. The real problems tend to come when you 'overstep your boundaries'. Considering that intimacy is a dangerous thing in the eyes of the avoidant, they will not be 'triggered', as you put it, as long as the intimacy levels stay below their threshold.
|
|
