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Post by Mary on May 16, 2016 17:52:14 GMT
I will start by saying I am avoidant and it's always a struggle to determine how much that plays into my reasoning. I'm hoping you all will be understanding as I know this board is for those dealing with avoidants and not really for avoidants. However, I thought I could get some perspective here.
Here's my question. I am in a serious relationship and recently, he was drunk and made a racist "joke" regarding my race. He is white and I am Asian. He doesn't really understand race relations or what it is to be a minority, however I never thought something like that would come out of his mouth.
Of course, my reaction is to break up with him immediately. Since I know I am avoidant, I always have to second guess my reactions. I don't know if my reaction is the avoidant in me, looking for an excuse to break up or a real, valid reason. If anyone has any thoughts, they would be appreciated. Thank you.
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Post by Jaeger on May 16, 2016 18:33:09 GMT
Hi and welcome ,
As I understand it, the forums are for everyone experiencing issues with any of the attachment styles. That is, whether you are in a relationship with someone of an avoidant attachment style or you are one yourself. Since most (dismissive) avoidants are usually not in the habit of looking for help, they are not as well represented as those who have had issues in dealing with an avoidant, but that doesn't make you any less welcome!
Now, I'm by no means an expert, though I would be happy to share my thoughts, for what they are worth. Not being avoidant myself, the things I would do are the following.
I hope that will help you determine if your impulses are comibg from an urge to avoid or not:
1. Talk to my partner and repeat, as literally as I can, what was said. To this, I would add how it affects me. In your case adding that it even raises thoughts of breaking things off. Finish with asking them how they feel about this.
2. Give them the chance to respond.
3. Ask any new questions that may arise from what they say. (repeat steps 2 and 3 until you have received the necessary answers and seen enough of their reaction to determine if their answers and their actions are in alignment. If not, that is the next subject to raise. If they are...
4.Determine if their answers and behaviour are conducive to allowing both of you to stay in a relationship or not.
5. If they are, come to an agreement on how to proceed with this issue together.
If they are not, and he sees no problem with you feeling disrespected and unhappy, that would be a major red flag for me and might indeed be a reason to stop a relationship over.
I hope this helps you somewhat.
Regards and best of luck!
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Post by erasmus on May 16, 2016 19:22:27 GMT
Jaeger's ideas sound excellent to me. Something you could consider doing in addition, by yourself, is to take a sheet of paper, draw a vertical line down the center, and on one side list reasons for breaking up (including this incident) and on the other, reasons for staying together (perhaps including his responses to the discussion Jaeger suggests, if he seems to understand your feelings and to want to do better with you on this issue). If you do this, I would suggest thinking inclusively, over the whole course of your relationship. It might help you step back from your immediate reaction, put this incident in perspective, and consider whether it was an isolated misstep or part of a pattern.
Edited to add: Oh, and may I add my welcome to Jaeger's. I can imagine that someone with an avoidant style might feel hesitant about posting here, where so much of what's posted seems to be us anxious-preoccupied folks recounting painful relationships with avoidants. You remind me that we are all human beings and that whatever corner of the psychological world we may come from, few of us reach adulthood confident that we are in completely great shape, and we can all feel the impulse to be conscious about our emotional responses and improve our attitudes, behavior, and lives and relationships. Thank you.
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katy
Sticky Post Powers
Posts: 147 
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Post by katy on May 16, 2016 21:13:11 GMT
Mary,
I'm sorry that you had this happen to you. What struck me was the statement that your boyfriend was drunk. My husband has suffered from PTSD from the military and when things go downhill for him, alcohol is his refuge of choice. He says many things when he is drinking which I know are the product of his toxic, poisoned brain, not his sober feelings that he acts on 99% of the time.
But, I think it's important to ascertain if your boyfriend being drunk is a one-time occasion or if it happens with more frequency. There's an organization called Moderation Management which helps people understand how to use alcohol in a controlled way. On their web page, you can see what their guidelines are for acceptable alcohol use so that you can compare what your boyfriend is doing.
www.moderation.org/readings.shtml#moderatedrinker
If you scroll down you can see the sections on The Moderate Drinker and MM Limits.
Having seen my husband's internittent struggles over the years with alcohol, I would say that if your boyfriend does abuse alcohol and is not quickly motivated to consistently control his drinking, that would definitely be a reason to carefully think about whether you are in a sustainable relationship. Leaving an alcoholic before you get dragged into a difficult life is not avoidant, it's just wise to take care of yourself.
I pray for you that his getting drunk was a one-time situation and that he profusely apologizes and is willing to follow Jaeger's suggestions to be sure that it never happens again.
Please let us know how it goes. I hope it turns out well for you.
Katy |
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raco
Junior Member
Posts: 81 
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Post by raco on May 18, 2016 1:21:05 GMT
It could be a reason to break up with your boyfriend if it's something he did several times, or if he was really mean and yet shows no regret when you tell him that his joke hurt you. Otherwise, it seems to be a very poor reason to break up with someone. You can't spend your life with someone and expect that the worst imperfection this person will have is to keep forgetting to put the toothpaste cap back on. People will always make a real mistake someday, and this one does not seem to be that serious. Basically, your boyfriend said something stupid while he was drunk. It's hard to say he's a bad person just because of this. If it's just one time, and if he is nice the rest of the time, then I guess there is no real reason to break up with him here.
By the way, it's impressive to see how careful you are not to let your avoidant personality fool you.
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Post by Mary on May 18, 2016 13:49:59 GMT
Thank you all for the thoughtful responses. I think you are all pretty spot on. I have talked to him a lot on this issue and it's clear that he is regretful, didn't understand the issue, and will try not to do it again. Logically, I understand his side and was ok with it, but was still having a mental block I didn't understand. I went to my old therapist yesterday to hash it out a bit more as I didn't understand my overreaction to a single incident.
She said that I have PTSD from past racist trauma. It explains a lot. It's not him, he was just the trigger. I am not over the incident as it will take time to heal, but my SO is very patient and will give me the time I need. It's not a reason to run away and now I know that for sure. The mind is a complicated thing. It really can "fool" you sometimes. Again, thank you all. This forum is eye opening for me and does help me see things a bit from the other side, not just mine.
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