sam
Junior Member
Posts: 60 
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Post by sam on Jan 13, 2018 23:37:34 GMT
When I was with my ex, he never had one single photo of me on his phone, and his WhatsApp profile photo was always blank. A year and a half on I’m still getting over the abuse from him, after reading a lot it turns out he has a lot of narcissistic traits as well as being avoidant.
But he now has a photo of him and his new girlfriend as his profile photo.
Did I get it wrong and he just never liked me or he just thought I was really unattractive? We were ‘together’ for 4 years. Could it be that he’s changed, or matured? Or was I just wrong?
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Post by Jaeger on Jan 14, 2018 0:26:44 GMT
Hi Sam,
First of all, it's really good to hear from you again here. It's been a while and I hope you're doing well.
Though it could be change or maturing, from what I have experienced with my avoidant ex, the changes you see are likely to be superficial. There might be a 'trophy' aspect here, or trying to convince others (perhaps you) how great his life is now. Real large, lasting change is quite unlikely in this time span, especially considering an avoidant attachment style.
As for him having found you attractive or not, in my view that is a moot point. His validation won't be coming and won't change anything about you. If indeed he never liked you or thought you unattractive, that was quite clearly his loss, and personality wise, I think you would be a catch for anyone and focusing on your own thoughts and conviction rather than his would likely serve you best, imho.
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sam
Junior Member
Posts: 60
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Post by sam on Jan 14, 2018 1:01:46 GMT
Hi Sam, First of all, it's really good to hear from you again here. It's been a while and I hope you're doing well. Though it could be change or maturing, from what I have experienced with my avoidant ex, the changes you see are likely to be superficial. There might be a 'trophy' aspect here, or trying to convince others (perhaps you) how great his life is now. Real large, lasting change is quite unlikely in this time span, especially considering an avoidant attachment style. As for him having found you attractive or not, in my view that is a moot point. His validation won't be coming and won't change anything about you. If indeed he never liked you or thought you unattractive, that was quite clearly his loss, and personality wise, I think you would be a catch for anyone and focusing on your own thoughts and conviction rather than his would likely serve you best, imho. Hi Jaeger Thank you for answering, I’ve been ok ish. I’ve actually done a lot of reading about narcissists and have learnt be ex had a lot of traits. I’m still struggling a lot sometimes, I didn’t realise how much damage was done through the abuse. Every day he’s in my head and when I saw the photo it just made me feel awful. Like I said, he never had one single photo of me. when I first met him he said, he hated that I was better than him, that he knew he was punching above his weight and I was the most attractive person he knew. But never had a photo of me. I guess I’m just questioning whether I got it wrong and it’s me with the problem, he looks happy with the new girlfriend, she’s very pretty, maybe it was just me. |
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Post by tnr9 on Jan 14, 2018 2:33:06 GMT
Hey Sam...I am terribly sorry you are going through this....when my ex Narc broke up with me the third and final time(.my decision as he tried to contact me a year afterwards to start round four.) I decided to get to the root of what drew me to him. My ex Narc never displayed any photos of us either but in his subsequent relationship...he too had his profile photo changed to him and his new girl. By then I realized that this was just a tool...she likely requested a photo and he appeased her because it worked to his advantage...not because he cared any more or less than he did me. And I knew in time he would likely come to resent that photo and would most likely return to his normal single pose (which he did). The important thing to remember about Narcissists is that everything they do is to serve their needs....if they feel that by putting up a profile photo with a gf will work to their advantage, then they will do that...but emotional rivers run shallow in Narcs..so it best not tio attribute any caring, loving or thoughtful perspectives on what they do. I had this saying up for a year to remind me to stop thinking that the next girl would get a better guy then I did....Narcissists don't change, they just change partners.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 14, 2018 3:31:53 GMT
When I was with my ex, he never had one single photo of me on his phone, and his WhatsApp profile photo was always blank. A year and a half on I’m still getting over the abuse from him, after reading a lot it turns out he has a lot of narcissistic traits as well as being avoidant. But he now has a photo of him and his new girlfriend as his profile photo. Did I get it wrong and he just never liked me or he just thought I was really unattractive? We were ‘together’ for 4 years. Could it be that he’s changed, or matured? Or was I just wrong? If he has narcissistic traits then don't even follow him on social media - delete everything to spare yourself any pain. Go No Contact, complete blank. People don't change, it's very hard to do. You don't know their true reasons, and you will be mired in hurtful speculation. Simply refuse to do anything that would hurt yourself. I wouldn't want to look/know if my ex were to find a partner even if I were ...um...curious. There is no point in agonizing over his every act/word. Try your best to forget/erase his presence completely from your mind/heart/spirit, or you wouldn't be able to move on and find the right partner. Don't waste a single moment longer on this person if it's over. |
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sam
Junior Member
Posts: 60
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Post by sam on Jan 14, 2018 12:08:46 GMT
Hey Sam...I am terribly sorry you are going through this....when my ex Narc broke up with me the third and final time(.my decision as he tried to contact me a year afterwards to start round four.) I decided to get to the root of what drew me to him. My ex Narc never displayed any photos of us either but in his subsequent relationship...he too had his profile photo changed to him and his new girl. By then I realized that this was just a tool...she likely requested a photo and he appeased her because it worked to his advantage...not because he cared any more or less than he did me. And I knew in time he would likely come to resent that photo and would most likely return to his normal single pose (which he did). The important thing to remember about Narcissists is that everything they do is to serve their needs....if they feel that by putting up a profile photo with a gf will work to their advantage, then they will do that...but emotional rivers run shallow in Narcs..so it best not tio attribute any caring, loving or thoughtful perspectives on what they do. I had this saying up for a year to remind me to stop thinking that the next girl would get a better guy then I did....Narcissists don't change, they just change partners. Hi tnr9 Thank you for responding. My ex also broke up with me numerous times, probably about 30 tines! Which is why when I started reading about attachment types he appeared to be avoidant. But after doing a lot of reading he has a lot of narcissistic traits, even when we were ‘together’ I read about narcissists. I’ve also got to the root as to why I have had unstable relationships in the past and it’s really helped me for the future. I guess when I saw the photo it just made me feel ‘wow I really was nothing to him and it’s made me feel awful. . I used to put photos of us in frames in his house and when we had arguments he would rip them up. And I used to ask him to have photos of us and he would always say no, he didn’t like having his photo taken. Why would they never have a photo of us but of a new girlfriend? My ex was 22 when we met, I was his first ‘proper’ girlfriend, do you think his age could have had something to do with how he treated me, he’s 27 now. Also I know that his new girlfriend has a great job, she was one of his managers ‘ so earns good money. Which would please his parents, they always looked down on me. |
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sam
Junior Member
Posts: 60
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Post by sam on Jan 14, 2018 12:10:11 GMT
When I was with my ex, he never had one single photo of me on his phone, and his WhatsApp profile photo was always blank. A year and a half on I’m still getting over the abuse from him, after reading a lot it turns out he has a lot of narcissistic traits as well as being avoidant. But he now has a photo of him and his new girlfriend as his profile photo. Did I get it wrong and he just never liked me or he just thought I was really unattractive? We were ‘together’ for 4 years. Could it be that he’s changed, or matured? Or was I just wrong? If he has narcissistic traits then don't even follow him on social media - delete everything to spare yourself any pain. Go No Contact, complete blank. People don't change, it's very hard to do. You don't know their true reasons, and you will be mired in hurtful speculation. Simply refuse to do anything that would hurt yourself. I wouldn't want to look/know if my ex were to find a partner even if I were ...um...curious. There is no point in agonizing over his every act/word. Try your best to forget/erase his presence completely from your mind/heart/spirit, or you wouldn't be able to move on and find the right partner. Don't waste a single moment longer on this person if it's over. It’s like he’s proud to be with her but ashamed to have been seen with me. |
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sam
Junior Member
Posts: 60
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Post by sam on Jan 14, 2018 12:17:05 GMT
If he has narcissistic traits then don't even follow him on social media - delete everything to spare yourself any pain. Go No Contact, complete blank. People don't change, it's very hard to do. You don't know their true reasons, and you will be mired in hurtful speculation. Simply refuse to do anything that would hurt yourself. I wouldn't want to look/know if my ex were to find a partner even if I were ...um...curious. There is no point in agonizing over his every act/word. Try your best to forget/erase his presence completely from your mind/heart/spirit, or you wouldn't be able to move on and find the right partner. Don't waste a single moment longer on this person if it's over. It’s like he’s proud to be with her but ashamed to have been seen with me. I don’t follow him on social media, when we were together he deactivated his Facebook account and said he didn’t like it. I just saw that he was back on there a few months ago as we have a mutual contact and he came up. As you said, I got curious and looked at his profile picture on WhatsApp and that when I saw him and his girlfriend. It just made me feel awful that in the 4 years we were ‘together’ he made me feel so unwanted and suddenly he can show the world he’s with someone. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 14, 2018 12:59:40 GMT
It’s like he’s proud to be with her but ashamed to have been seen with me. I don’t follow him on social media, when we were together he deactivated his Facebook account and said he didn’t like it. I just saw that he was back on there a few months ago as we have a mutual contact and he came up. As you said, I got curious and looked at his profile picture on WhatsApp and that when I saw him and his girlfriend. It just made me feel awful that in the 4 years we were ‘together’ he made me feel so unwanted and suddenly he can show the world he’s with someone. If it's over, and there's no possibility of getting back together, then your best way to move forward is to understand what went wrong, what can you learn from the mistakes made, and close the book. You need to ask yourself why do you continue to look at his profile, feel tormented, etc. I can only help you by pointing out that ruminating for months or even years over exes doesn't help you in any way. My own journey is I found out about NPD after years of incomprehension of my ex's behavior, understood how and why I got myself entangled with such a person, did the work on myself NOT to repeat my mistake and to change my own traits. I wish I did all of that earlier instead of relying on advice from friends, etc. It would have saved me years. Now, I feel like I've wasted months on this current DA. I've been lingering around this broken pop corn machine, but enough of looking through the machine manual wondering why it doesn't work. It simply doesn't. I'll leave it to the technical specialist to fix this machine. I'm going to fix myself by making sure that I spot the next dysfunctional machine earlier and instead of staying to try to make it work, just move on. There are a lot of broken machines out there since most of the good machines are taken. I'm going to work on myself to ensure that I'm a good functioning machine too. Good luck with your journey. |
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Post by tnr9 on Jan 14, 2018 15:01:16 GMT
Hey Sam.....I was exactly where you when I joined this site.... www.lisaescott.com/forums/all-about-him-forumWhat is very helpful about that site is you will see pages upon pages of women and men who are in the same situation...they are trying to understand why their ex Narc left and even some who are trying to make it work. This is really hard to grasp but what he is doing has zero to do with you or her...absolutely zero. The only thing that is important to know is that Narcs don't change. She isn't getting a better version of him, she didn't magically unlock the secret of his Narc behavior and if he truly is a Narc...what goes on behind the veneer of that profile photo is not pretty. Hang in there Sam. |
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sam
Junior Member
Posts: 60
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Post by sam on Jan 14, 2018 15:43:34 GMT
Hey Sam.....I was exactly where you when I joined this site.... www.lisaescott.com/forums/all-about-him-forumWhat is very helpful about that site is you will see pages upon pages of women and men who are in the same situation...they are trying to understand why their ex Narc left and even some who are trying to make it work. This is really hard to grasp but what he is doing has zero to do with you or her...absolutely zero. The only thing that is important to know is that Narcs don't change. She isn't getting a better version of him, she didn't magically unlock the secret of his Narc behavior and if he truly is a Narc...what goes on behind the veneer of that profile photo is not pretty. Hang in there Sam. Thanks again for your help. I’ve been on this forum on and off for the last year, and have found it’s helped a lot. I will definitely check out the link you sent me. |
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