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Post by summer on Jan 15, 2018 1:35:38 GMT
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Post by scheme00 on Jan 15, 2018 1:55:35 GMT
Mine hid me from everyone. Her closest guy friends she hung out with 4x per week didn't even know I existed. Go figure.
I wouldn't stress over this issue though. He's creating distance and you know that's his MO.
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Post by abolish on Jan 15, 2018 7:53:50 GMT
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Post by tnr9 on Jan 15, 2018 13:39:59 GMT
I am truly sorry Summer...it was over 3 months before I met my ex's best friend and his family...but that was after he almost broke up with me. That would certainly be a red flag for me...after 6 months, I would want to feel a bit more "included" in his life.
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sam
Junior Member
Posts: 60 
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Post by sam on Jan 15, 2018 14:41:59 GMT
Last night I asked my DA boyfriend of 6 months who his close friends are. We were sitting on my couch chatting after dinner. It was purely a question to generate conversation. He's only lived in my city for less than a year, but I know he keeps in touch with many old friends in different locations (he is from India). He is pretty guarded and secretive in general, and he compartmentalizes our relationship from the rest of his life. It took months, for example, for him to agree to add me on Facebook. I think he has MAJOR trust issues. So I ask him who his close friends are, just in a chatty sort of way, just trying to get to know him better, and he says to me, "I don't understand why you would need to know that." Huh??? So, apparently, the people in his life that he really cares about, the kind of people who he could call if he was in trouble, that information is personal and none of my business. I'm just his serious girlfriend of the last six months. I don't even know what to make of this. Either he doesn't have any close friends, and doesn't want me to know that, or he considers his close friends to be people he keeps completely separate from his relationship - no overlap. And I'm not even allowed to know their names. Have any of you encountered anything like this with your DA? Any DAs reading this want to shed some light? Hi Summer I was with my Avoidant ex for 4 years and we never did anything with other couples. Occasionally if there was an event or something that would have been weird if we hadn’t gone, we went to it. But we were pretty separate. Whenever I suggested going out with other couples he said no, we only saw each other twice a week and that was after 4 years! He once said he would never see me every day and made comments like, you do your thing I’ll do mine.?! |
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Post by summer on Jan 15, 2018 14:46:08 GMT
Hi Summer I was with my Avoidant ex for 4 years and we never did anything with other couples. Occasionally if there was an event or something that would have been weird if we hadn’t gone, we went to it. But we were pretty separate. Whenever I suggested going out with other couples he said no, we only saw each other twice a week and that was after 4 years! He once said he would never see me every day and made comments like, you do your thing I’ll do mine.?! Hi Sam, Twice a week after four years... that's rough! Did you ever try to see him more often than this and get shot down? How was the communication on the days you didn't see each other (this I'm especially curious about)? What finally ended the relationship? Thanks so much for your response! |
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Post by kelvain on Jan 15, 2018 15:19:15 GMT
From what I've noticed, they keep people separated. They can have a lot of life long friends that don't know each other. Mine was fairly open to talk about all of them to me, he introduced me to one of them (who, I assume, was in the same "category" as me) but what stroke me was- they all were separated, they were totally different and had a totally different purpose, as if he led at least 5 different lives. He avoided me though. He'd often choose a party with superficial acquaintances than me. I often felt dehumanized by him which wasn't logical at all. hi abolish. As I read your post, I had a realization. My DA also kept 'friends' and/or 'co workers' separated. The actual realization I had though was that she interacted with different people during different phases of push-pull. When she was into our relationship she would interact with those people who knew us both as a couple. However when she was in her avoidant phase, she would cut off communication with those mutual friends and gravitate toward friends who I really didn't know or never met. It was as if she had people separated or categorized in accordance to her mood and would interact with each group according to which phase she was in. Basically hanging around whoever was supportive of her point of view at any particular time. Her cousin actually pointed out the other day that my ex Da hadn't reached out to her all of December when it was discussed prior that she and I would go for a visit. Her cousin proceeded to say that "she always avoids me when she is in these moods because she knows I don't just agree with her and I challenge her viewpoint." Thanks for your insight here. It was like a great big bonk on the head of awareness for me! I guess it's just another way my DA compartmentalized things. Very interesting! |
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sam
Junior Member
Posts: 60
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Post by sam on Jan 15, 2018 15:32:15 GMT
Hi Summer I was with my Avoidant ex for 4 years and we never did anything with other couples. Occasionally if there was an event or something that would have been weird if we hadn’t gone, we went to it. But we were pretty separate. Whenever I suggested going out with other couples he said no, we only saw each other twice a week and that was after 4 years! He once said he would never see me every day and made comments like, you do your thing I’ll do mine.?! Hi Sam, Twice a week after four years... that's rough! Did you ever try to see him more often than this and get shot down? How was the communication on the days you didn't see each other (this I'm especially curious about)? What finally ended the relationship? Thanks so much for your response! I do work a lot of evenings for work so at the start of the week he would ask what evening I was free and we would see each other then and also on a Saturday evening unless one of us has other plans, so I guess it’s hard to say how he would react if I had asked for more time.Althoygh it was prob ideal I did have funny work hours! But the fact that he would say he wouldn’t see me every day, and he also said he was jealous of people that went out every night because he wanted to do that. When his brother broke up with his girlfriend, he said his brother was happy now because he can do what he wants. I said if you want to be single just say, and he would say, that’s not what I meant. On the days we didn’t see each other he was always in communication, he would call in the morning, text or call lunch time and on his way home from work and in the evening, so a lot. But from what I’ve read, avoidants can be like that. When they’re not with you they ‘miss’ you and ‘want’you. But when you actually see each other they want to be separate from you. My ex was definitely like that, when I was with him he would sometimes say he was bore, or if we were watching things on tv or Netflix in different rooms he was say that was his perfect kind of day! Going away on holiday was always a drama, the first time we were planning a holiday he said , if you are laying by the pool I can always go off for a walk or do my own thing. Theses things seem trivial but it’s like he needed to get away from me. |
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Post by abolish on Jan 15, 2018 16:02:32 GMT
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Post by tnr9 on Jan 15, 2018 16:11:47 GMT
Hmmmm....I met my ex's best friend along with some of his other friends during the course of our relationship. We mainly spent time just the 2 of us...but occationally I was invited to spend time with his parents and about 5 times we hung out with his best friend. He definately has used friends before as a reason he could not see me...especially early in our dating relationship. It really is a shame that we broke up when we did because I would like to believe he would have introduced me to more friends as the relationship progressed.
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Post by kelvain on Jan 15, 2018 16:12:25 GMT
hi abolish. As I read your post, I had a realization. My DA also kept 'friends' and/or 'co workers' separated. The actual realization I had though was that she interacted with different people during different phases of push-pull. When she was into our relationship she would interact with those people who knew us both as a couple. However when she was in her avoidant phase, she would cut off communication with those mutual friends and gravitate toward friends who I really didn't know or never met. It was as if she had people separated or categorized in accordance to her mood and would interact with each group according to which phase she was in. Basically hanging around whoever was supportive of her point of view at any particular time. Her cousin actually pointed out the other day that my ex Da hadn't reached out to her all of December when it was discussed prior that she and I would go for a visit. Her cousin proceeded to say that "she always avoids me when she is in these moods because she knows I don't just agree with her and I challenge her viewpoint." Thanks for your insight here. It was like a great big bonk on the head of awareness for me! I guess it's just another way my DA compartmentalized things. Very interesting! WOW! You can be right about each being for different of many moods. When in a good mood he contacts his best friends, enjoys spending time with coworkers, me. When he is so-so, it's family time. When not in the mood "buddies" come into the picture- even though he says he doesn't want to see anyone. I know he feels lonely, that's why. The interesting thing is that a) he spends the least time with his closest friends - at least face to face b) they never exist in his life simultaneously! Never! Maybe it's because his behaviour isn't stable? They all know a different version him, I suppose. WOW!!! YES!!! You hit the nail on the head for me just now. My DA had different versions of herself! In fact, her co workers didn't even know about me until I came to a holiday dance. WORLDS COLLIDED... She dumped me a few days later. All of her co workers said they never knew she had a personal life with a significant other. I could tell at the time that she felt uncomfortable with her work friends knowing that she was in a relationship. |
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Post by summer on Jan 15, 2018 16:12:41 GMT
Hi Sam, Twice a week after four years... that's rough! Did you ever try to see him more often than this and get shot down? How was the communication on the days you didn't see each other (this I'm especially curious about)? What finally ended the relationship? Thanks so much for your response! I do work a lot of evenings for work so at the start of the week he would ask what evening I was free and we would see each other then and also on a Saturday evening unless one of us has other plans, so I guess it’s hard to say how he would react if I had asked for more time.Althoygh it was prob ideal I did have funny work hours! But the fact that he would say he wouldn’t see me every day, and he also said he was jealous of people that went out every night because he wanted to do that. When his brother broke up with his girlfriend, he said his brother was happy now because he can do what he wants. I said if you want to be single just say, and he would say, that’s not what I meant. On the days we didn’t see each other he was always in communication, he would call in the morning, text or call lunch time and on his way home from work and in the evening, so a lot. But from what I’ve read, avoidants can be like that. When they’re not with you they ‘miss’ you and ‘want’you. But when you actually see each other they want to be separate from you. My ex was definitely like that, when I was with him he would sometimes say he was bore, or if we were watching things on tv or Netflix in different rooms he was say that was his perfect kind of day! Going away on holiday was always a drama, the first time we were planning a holiday he said , if you are laying by the pool I can always go off for a walk or do my own thing. Theses things seem trivial but it’s like he needed to get away from me. Thanks so much for your response. So, the bolded section above... not my experience AT ALL with my current DA boyfriend. I would be thrilled if he would do as you describe - keeping in continual communication on days you don't see each other. Instead, I've had to figure out over time that he would prefer minimal to no contact on days we're not together. I hate this pattern, as it results in me feeling lonely in the relationship, and disconnected from him. However, when we are actually together, he is focused on interacting with me and doesn't try to sneak off and do his own thing. I have come to believe that the way he tolerates all that "togetherness" when we do see each other, is by barely keeping in contact on the days we're not seeing each other. I guess each DA has their own way of keeping you at a distance - with mine, it's definitely by keeping our communication on days we're not together to small talk or just about making plans, and that's it. Very perfunctory and impersonal. By the time I finally see him, I'm usually starved for attention. I think some people would be okay with this kind of relationship - very minimal to no contact when you're not together - but for me it just doesn't work. I need more consistent communication with my significant other. I just do. Autonomy and independence are SO important to DAs - mine definitely seems to prefer a "separate togetherness" style of relationship, where we have completely separate lives and total independence from each other, but that to me is not what a serious relationship looks like. That is more of a dating relationship. |
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sam
Junior Member
Posts: 60
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Post by sam on Jan 15, 2018 22:37:59 GMT
I do work a lot of evenings for work so at the start of the week he would ask what evening I was free and we would see each other then and also on a Saturday evening unless one of us has other plans, so I guess it’s hard to say how he would react if I had asked for more time.Althoygh it was prob ideal I did have funny work hours! But the fact that he would say he wouldn’t see me every day, and he also said he was jealous of people that went out every night because he wanted to do that. When his brother broke up with his girlfriend, he said his brother was happy now because he can do what he wants. I said if you want to be single just say, and he would say, that’s not what I meant. On the days we didn’t see each other he was always in communication, he would call in the morning, text or call lunch time and on his way home from work and in the evening, so a lot. But from what I’ve read, avoidants can be like that. When they’re not with you they ‘miss’ you and ‘want’you. But when you actually see each other they want to be separate from you. My ex was definitely like that, when I was with him he would sometimes say he was bore, or if we were watching things on tv or Netflix in different rooms he was say that was his perfect kind of day! Going away on holiday was always a drama, the first time we were planning a holiday he said , if you are laying by the pool I can always go off for a walk or do my own thing. Theses things seem trivial but it’s like he needed to get away from me. Thanks so much for your response. So, the bolded section above... not my experience AT ALL with my current DA boyfriend. I would be thrilled if he would do as you describe - keeping in continual communication on days you don't see each other. Instead, I've had to figure out over time that he would prefer minimal to no contact on days we're not together. I hate this pattern, as it results in me feeling lonely in the relationship, and disconnected from him. However, when we are actually together, he is focused on interacting with me and doesn't try to sneak off and do his own thing. I have come to believe that the way he tolerates all that "togetherness" when we do see each other, is by barely keeping in contact on the days we're not seeing each other. I guess each DA has their own way of keeping you at a distance - with mine, it's definitely by keeping our communication on days we're not together to small talk or just about making plans, and that's it. Very perfunctory and impersonal. By the time I finally see him, I'm usually starved for attention. I think some people would be okay with this kind of relationship - very minimal to no contact when you're not together - but for me it just doesn't work. I need more consistent communication with my significant other. I just do. Autonomy and independence are SO important to DAs - mine definitely seems to prefer a "separate togetherness" style of relationship, where we have completely separate lives and total independence from each other, but that to me is not what a serious relationship looks like. That is more of a dating relationship. My ex was definitely FA rather than DA, hence the good communication when not together but when together trying to get away from me. I think that everyone is different and I guess it what people are willing to accept. My experience with my ex was actually horrendous when I look back, not just the push pull but he was also emotionally, verbally and occasionally physically abusive. He also has a lot of narcissistic traits, and to be honest a lot of disordered thinking. It wasn’t until 6 months after breakup that the full impact of what happened hit me. I’m 19 months in and still things play on my mind. These boards have really helped me though. |
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Post by tnr9 on Jan 16, 2018 2:50:46 GMT
Thanks so much for your response. So, the bolded section above... not my experience AT ALL with my current DA boyfriend. I would be thrilled if he would do as you describe - keeping in continual communication on days you don't see each other. Instead, I've had to figure out over time that he would prefer minimal to no contact on days we're not together. I hate this pattern, as it results in me feeling lonely in the relationship, and disconnected from him. However, when we are actually together, he is focused on interacting with me and doesn't try to sneak off and do his own thing. I have come to believe that the way he tolerates all that "togetherness" when we do see each other, is by barely keeping in contact on the days we're not seeing each other. I guess each DA has their own way of keeping you at a distance - with mine, it's definitely by keeping our communication on days we're not together to small talk or just about making plans, and that's it. Very perfunctory and impersonal. By the time I finally see him, I'm usually starved for attention. I think some people would be okay with this kind of relationship - very minimal to no contact when you're not together - but for me it just doesn't work. I need more consistent communication with my significant other. I just do. Autonomy and independence are SO important to DAs - mine definitely seems to prefer a "separate togetherness" style of relationship, where we have completely separate lives and total independence from each other, but that to me is not what a serious relationship looks like. That is more of a dating relationship. My ex was definitely FA rather than DA, hence the good communication when not together but when together trying to get away from me. I think that everyone is different and I guess it what people are willing to accept. My experience with my ex was actually horrendous when I look back, not just the push pull but he was also emotionally, verbally and occasionally physically abusive. He also has a lot of narcissistic traits, and to be honest a lot of disordered thinking. It wasn’t until 6 months after breakup that the full impact of what happened hit me. I’m 19 months in and still things play on my mind. These boards have really helped me though. Sam...I am truly sorry....it took well over a year for me to process and comes to terms with my ex Narc. If you are broken up...just be prepared for him to try to get back in your good graces. My ex Narc tried to contact me via FB (we were not friends on FB the entire time we were dating...his insistence that we maintain separate lives/friends etc) and it was incredibly hard but I just had to ignore his messages of "don't you want to see me again" and "why won't you talk to me". This after he broke up with me via a text message while I was out of the country. I used to say that I was an old T shirt that my ex Narc wanted to take out from time to time because he had "good memories" of it....but then, once he took it out (started dating me again) he noticed that it wasn't new, it did not fit the way he wanted and it was no longer to his liking. I did not want to be that t shirt anymore. |
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sam
Junior Member
Posts: 60
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Post by sam on Jan 16, 2018 12:30:58 GMT
My ex was definitely FA rather than DA, hence the good communication when not together but when together trying to get away from me. I think that everyone is different and I guess it what people are willing to accept. My experience with my ex was actually horrendous when I look back, not just the push pull but he was also emotionally, verbally and occasionally physically abusive. He also has a lot of narcissistic traits, and to be honest a lot of disordered thinking. It wasn’t until 6 months after breakup that the full impact of what happened hit me. I’m 19 months in and still things play on my mind. These boards have really helped me though. Sam...I am truly sorry....it took well over a year for me to process and comes to terms with my ex Narc. If you are broken up...just be prepared for him to try to get back in your good graces. My ex Narc tried to contact me via FB (we were not friends on FB the entire time we were dating...his insistence that we maintain separate lives/friends etc) and it was incredibly hard but I just had to ignore his messages of "don't you want to see me again" and "why won't you talk to me". This after he broke up with me via a text message while I was out of the country. I used to say that I was an old T shirt that my ex Narc wanted to take out from time to time because he had "good memories" of it....but then, once he took it out (started dating me again) he noticed that it wasn't new, it did not fit the way he wanted and it was no longer to his liking. I did not want to be that t shirt anymore. Yes we are definitely broken up, 19 months ago! How funny, when I first met my ex he deactivated his Facebook account, or blocked me I don’t know! (We were never friends on Facebook) But just a few months ago I saw that he was back on there, we have a mutual friend, his aunt. My ex will definitely not try and contact me and I dont want him to. He has a new girlfriend, I did the post about the new girlfriend profile photo, never had one of me. I just sometimes really doubt myself and wonder if it was my fault that he was so nasty and i made him that way. As he moved on really quickly and like I said kept me really separate but is happy for people to know he’s with someone else. 😐 |
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