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Post by yasmin on Jan 15, 2018 18:59:06 GMT
As most know, I'm an FA close to secure and have only recently realised this. Up to now I had believed myself to be especially secure with attachments.
I was in therapy today going over something from the distant past when I went through a state of experiencing an unexplained illness. I'd characterise it as an anxiety thing with hives, rashes, stomach problems etc. Really bad though and at the time it went on for six months and I was barely functioning.
At the time I put it down to a period stress but nothing to do with relationships. I was very happily engaged at the time and was excited to get married.
My therapist was talking to me about this today and she asked if I still had any of these anxiety related illnesses. I said "no". Not for years. She asked when they'd stopped and I said after my fiance broke off our engagement.
She pointed out to me that I got engaged and got very sick and then he broke it off and I was magically healed.
At the time I was devastated that he broke it off but I guess the conversation today made me realise I didn't really want to marry him.
How did I not know I didn't want to marry him?
Anyone else just completely unaware of the FA stuff going on?
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Post by Deleted on Jan 16, 2018 16:22:12 GMT
YES! Well.... kind of?
I'm an FA who leans more AP (I tend to pick avoidants like my Dad or FAs like my Mum) my last serious relationship with an avoidant who was also a drug addict, I was living with him at the time - he was also my boss - so I mean you can only imagine haha
We were together for a couple of years, and let me tell you, I am not someone who suffers with illness really, but this was my second relationship in a row with an avoidant (my Mum is incredibly narcissistic in an all consuming way and I realised I picked a guy who was controlling like her, so I started picking guys more like my Dad I guess who I considered better tempered... oh my, if I could tell myself now, "oh honey.. no..")
At the beginning of our relationship, I noticed I came out with these weird spots all over my entire body, that were like big red blotches that turned dark purple - I went to the hospital and truly, they didn't have a clue what it was.
Halfway through our relationship I became incredibly down - I noticed that I had chronically chapped lips, and I mean really, really chapped and I was so stumped because I'd never had that in my life, so I went to the doctors and they did blood tests... they then told me that I had something called hyperhyroidism, which was apparently nothing to do with my lips being chapped, which they never worked out.
Hyperthyroidism fucked me up - I went from general anxiety to extreme anxiety, and I was AP with a DA partner... I can't even explain to you how ill I felt that year, I just knew I wanted to die - I had to go and see an endocrinologist, and they couldn't even tell me what CAUSES IT!
Since the break down of that relationship, I've had no bodily symptoms, I swear to god... no thyroid problem, no chapped lips, no blotches
I put it down to my stress response being out of whack 24/7
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Post by yasmin on Jan 17, 2018 0:57:39 GMT
That is SO weird. the day I moved in with my husband I came up in weird spots all over me! So itchy!! I got IBS too! Even though it was such a happy relationship maybe I was experiencing a desire to escape it.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 17, 2018 1:51:31 GMT
This reminds me though about how often we get the feeling of our activated attachment systems mixed up with what we think passion and true love is supposed to feel like... I guess we feel this raw intensity and we have no idea what it is, but there's an excitement to it?
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Post by yasmin on Jan 19, 2018 19:05:48 GMT
This reminds me though about how often we get the feeling of our activated attachment systems mixed up with what we think passion and true love is supposed to feel like... I guess we feel this raw intensity and we have no idea what it is, but there's an excitement to it? Yes, but feeling "in love" can be quite an anxious feeling for most people also so it can definitely be confusing. I have absolutely NO attraction to people who don;t chase and pursue me, so I got through my entire life until the age of 38 only dating secure or mildly AP men so I never felt anxious in a relationship. When I dated my first FA, I was of course sure he was secure /"normal" until things got closer and he started to behave strangely and at first I was turned off / mystified but once I got sucked deeply into the push-pull cycle I saw my very first anxious attraction reactions in myself. It felt totally horrible, by my attraction system interpreted this as wanting him desperately when really it was probably only the intermittent reinforcement he was giving. I don't LIKE being mistreated or rejected, so I don't think I'd ever date a DA but with a fellow FA it worked very well because he also had this very soft and needy side and it triggered me to play along. It was only when I stepped VERY far back that I saw my anxious behavior because when I was in it I thought it was totally normal!!! |
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Post by aha on Mar 11, 2018 7:45:56 GMT
I’m only now looking at my attachment patterns in my late 30’s. I recognised a few years ago that I gave up on people very early in dating or kept things entirely platonic even if I felt attraction. It was only on meeting a DA/FA (probably the latter or a combination of both) that I sat myself down and wrote down reasons I should not discount a potential relationship with him. Spending time with him was the safest I have ever felt with someone. He gave me a lot of distance but was very kind and charming when we did spend time together. In the end, when things between us were starting to look more serious, he bolted!
Since my teens, every time I open myself to the possibility of a relationship, I get really conscious of being let down - men not calling when they say they will, cancelling plans, and not being listened to when I make simple requests. As an example, I recently agreed (quite reluctantly) to meet someone through a friend. He texted Friday morning to ask if he could call in the evening, so I promised to let him know when I got home. He then sent me a number of texts, though previously said he didn’t like texting and I had agreed... so after an hour of intermittent texts, I asked him could he call tomorrow because I wished to sleep. He said of course, but the same thing happened the next day. I suggested a phone call would be more productive. He told me he couldn’t as he was out with friends. I don’t know why he didn’t mention this when I got in touch, or why being out precluded him from making a quick call. Surely, texting me was taking him away from conversations with his friends anyway?
This is an example of the type of thing that makes me feel very upset and I will actually lose sleep over. If there wasn’t a personal connection, I would stop contact but I have promised my friend to see him so feel I have to. I actually woke up tearful this morning which is unusual for me and feels entirely out of proportion. It is an example of why relationships are so difficult for me. Too much of this stress, I end relationships. Conversely, I might end things when I see signs that someone else views me as permanent in their lives, when I haven’t yet decided I want to be with them. I know this is mad and I have never managed any relationship beyond a few months!
And the FA/DA above, he has become my ‘one that got away’.
How can I move forward?
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