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Post by stavs on Jan 17, 2018 4:14:58 GMT
So when FA says the following, what do they really mean? Hopefully some FAs can give fine perspective. Intense I just can’t do this. You deserve better. I can’t give you what you want and need. You scare me with your high level of commitment. Hey Stavs...i know you want to make it work and I give you so much credit with sticking with her. But her statements don't appear to change regardless of what you do and I know it must be just killing you inside. It seems the only way to actually be with her is if you tone it way back. Is that something you even want to do? No easy answers here it seems. Had some conversation with her today about some things and dropped subtle notions of our future together, so as not to spook her of course. This kind of escalated a little bit and I got quite firm with her about not leaving her, and she could sense that I wasn't messing around with my words. I hit her with some pretty hard truths about how I treat her and that she won't find anyone that will give her what I give her, and admitted I was right. This is why I can't just walk away - I know the feelinsg are there, I just need to help her become more secure. The past week or so I've been feeling a lot more secure in my attitude and basically have had a kind of "i dont give a shit" attitude towards the whole thing. I've been tryign to fill my days with other things, and keep my mind focused on other tasks. I've backed off on initiating most conversations except for my good morning text, and even she has beat me to the punch a few times in the past week to this which is out of the oridinary. Where as we usually speak for hours at a clip on the phone, I've cut a few days out here and there. I've really been working on my own insecurities, and it's working slowly but surely. I'm not going to lie, but I have been getting a lot of interest from other women over the past 6 months, and it has certainly helped make me feel better about myself. It's not even just casual flirting, but real interest in me and knowing that I have options if I wanted them is certainly the ego boost I need. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 17, 2018 6:16:49 GMT
Hey Stavs...i know you want to make it work and I give you so much credit with sticking with her. But her statements don't appear to change regardless of what you do and I know it must be just killing you inside. It seems the only way to actually be with her is if you tone it way back. Is that something you even want to do? No easy answers here it seems. Had some conversation with her today about some things and dropped subtle notions of our future together, so as not to spook her of course. This kind of escalated a little bit and I got quite firm with her about not leaving her, and she could sense that I wasn't messing around with my words. I hit her with some pretty hard truths about how I treat her and that she won't find anyone that will give her what I give her, and admitted I was right. This is why I can't just walk away - I know the feelinsg are there, I just need to help her become more secure. The past week or so I've been feeling a lot more secure in my attitude and basically have had a kind of "i dont give a shit" attitude towards the whole thing. I've been tryign to fill my days with other things, and keep my mind focused on other tasks. I've backed off on initiating most conversations except for my good morning text, and even she has beat me to the punch a few times in the past week to this which is out of the oridinary. Where as we usually speak for hours at a clip on the phone, I've cut a few days out here and there. I've really been working on my own insecurities, and it's working slowly but surely. I'm not going to lie, but I have been getting a lot of interest from other women over the past 6 months, and it has certainly helped make me feel better about myself. It's not even just casual flirting, but real interest in me and knowing that I have options if I wanted them is certainly the ego boost I need. hey stavs, glad to hear this - I've exactly the same experience right now i.e., I don't give a shit anymore + scaling down the conversation very much without it being a protest behavior. Still a little nervous about things because I'm not sure if this is sustainable and if it will stick. but good luck with your situation!  |
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sam
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Post by sam on Jan 17, 2018 8:07:42 GMT
These sound familiar! My ex would say things like
I can’t give you what you want. Why does it have to go anywhere What do you want from meI don’t know what I wantI just want my freedom (we saw each other twice a week)! Honestly the list could go on and on. YUP! For me it was: I just didn't know how to move forward (kept saying that after we reunited and spoke about the discard) It just felt like a lot of effort I can't meet your needs right now and I don't know if I ever can I'm bad at this / I focus on work at the expense of my relationships I never settled down because it was never the right time I only answer to myself / Freedom is my highest value I'm just not sure if there's a future between us *Elusive ambiguous answers to anything implying labels or future plans* So many similarities! My ex also used to say that he knew I could do better than him, that he knew he was punching above his weight. Until the end when he said that I was toxic and if you took me out of the relationship and replaced me it would be so much better! |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 17, 2018 12:04:49 GMT
YUP! For me it was: I just didn't know how to move forward (kept saying that after we reunited and spoke about the discard) It just felt like a lot of effort I can't meet your needs right now and I don't know if I ever can I'm bad at this / I focus on work at the expense of my relationships I never settled down because it was never the right time I only answer to myself / Freedom is my highest value I'm just not sure if there's a future between us *Elusive ambiguous answers to anything implying labels or future plans* So many similarities! My ex also used to say that he knew I could do better than him, that he knew he was punching above his weight. Until the end when he said that I was toxic and if you took me out of the relationship and replaced me it would be so much better! Man... that is so harsh! I remember saying to my FA that I felt like I had emotional whiplash when he "dumped" me. It's like Matthew Hussey says "my ex was crazy = I cause sane people to do crazy shit" ... I feel guilty for all the crazy I stirred in other people, I definitely was not ready for relationships! I think it's helpful for me to remember that I really didn't know the toxicity was in me, I reacted to other people and gave them all the blame and I didn't know there was any other way. Like my FA recently said to me "well if it's not my fault then whose is it?" - the idea that no one had to be blamed and shamed just wasn't available to him, for probably his whole life |
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Post by tnr9 on Jan 17, 2018 12:12:27 GMT
YUP! For me it was: I just didn't know how to move forward (kept saying that after we reunited and spoke about the discard) It just felt like a lot of effort I can't meet your needs right now and I don't know if I ever can I'm bad at this / I focus on work at the expense of my relationships I never settled down because it was never the right time I only answer to myself / Freedom is my highest value I'm just not sure if there's a future between us *Elusive ambiguous answers to anything implying labels or future plans* So many similarities! My ex also used to say that he knew I could do better than him, that he knew he was punching above his weight. Until the end when he said that I was toxic and if you took me out of the relationship and replaced me it would be so much better! Sam...now I understand where the questions regarding the profile photo with the new gf originated from....I am terribly sorry he was so toxic to you. May I say...taking him out of the relationship is oodles better for you...whether you replace him or not. |
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sam
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Post by sam on Jan 17, 2018 13:36:41 GMT
So many similarities! My ex also used to say that he knew I could do better than him, that he knew he was punching above his weight. Until the end when he said that I was toxic and if you took me out of the relationship and replaced me it would be so much better! Sam...now I understand where the questions regarding the profile photo with the new gf originated from....I am terribly sorry he was so toxic to you. May I say...taking him out of the relationship is oodles better for you...whether you replace him or not. Oh what I meant was he said all of those things to me. He said I was toxic and if he took me out of the relationship it would be better for him. But you’re right, I’m so much better off without him. Things I’ve written on here are just the tip of the iceberg. From day one there were red flags. I once asked why he was never on my side and his response was...... because you’re a c**t! We had the police called because he was pushing me around. He once said I needed to be trained like a dog! That’s why I think he had a lot of narcissistic traits because he was emotionally abusive too. And looking back he was controlling but in a manipulative way not in a direct way as in stopping me doing things. I’ve read about trauma bonding and I’m pretty sure that’s what happened with me. When I first met him I was a happy, outgoing, confident person. I can fairly easily fall into Anxious, with the wrong person but never anything as extreme as this. I didn’t trust him, but he never gave me a reason to. When he broke up with me he actually said that he felt empty inside and as though something was missing in him, how he had just wanted a fun easy relationship and for me to make him feel important! I cane out of that relationship thinking ‘ who the hell am I). That’s why when I saw the profile pic, I thought maybe he has changed. He’s been with her for over a year. (We were together 4 years) But my logical brain says how can someone be so nasty and abusive, turn into a loving, kind, caring person without intensive therapy. But my emotional side says, maybe because I felt anxious it made him be like that. |
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sam
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Post by sam on Jan 17, 2018 13:40:35 GMT
Sam...now I understand where the questions regarding the profile photo with the new gf originated from....I am terribly sorry he was so toxic to you. May I say...taking him out of the relationship is oodles better for you...whether you replace him or not. Oh what I meant was he said all of those things to me. He said I was toxic and if he took me out of the relationship it would be better for him. But you’re right, I’m so much better off without him. Things I’ve written on here are just the tip of the iceberg. From day one there were red flags. I once asked why he was never on my side and his response was...... because you’re a c**t! We had the police called because he was pushing me around. He once said I needed to be trained like a dog! That’s why I think he had a lot of narcissistic traits because he was emotionally abusive too. And looking back he was controlling but in a manipulative way not in a direct way as in stopping me doing things. I’ve read about trauma bonding and I’m pretty sure that’s what happened with me. When I first met him I was a happy, outgoing, confident person. I can fairly easily fall into Anxious, with the wrong person but never anything as extreme as this. I didn’t trust him, but he never gave me a reason to. When he broke up with me he actually said that he felt empty inside and as though something was missing in him, how he had just wanted a fun easy relationship and for me to make him feel important! I cane out of that relationship thinking ‘ who the hell am I). That’s why when I saw the profile pic, I thought maybe he has changed. He’s been with her for over a year. (We were together 4 years) But my logical brain says how can someone be so nasty and abusive, turn into a loving, kind, caring person without intensive therapy. But my emotional side says, maybe because I felt anxious it made him be like that. Also thank you to everyone for responding on here, it has really helped me and I’m sure it helps anyone that is going through pain. It’s difficult to explain to people who haven’t experienced this to understand. ❤️ |
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Post by tnr9 on Jan 17, 2018 13:47:40 GMT
Sam...now I understand where the questions regarding the profile photo with the new gf originated from....I am terribly sorry he was so toxic to you. May I say...taking him out of the relationship is oodles better for you...whether you replace him or not. Oh what I meant was he said all of those things to me. He said I was toxic and if he took me out of the relationship it would be better for him. But you’re right, I’m so much better off without him. Things I’ve written on here are just the tip of the iceberg. From day one there were red flags. I once asked why he was never on my side and his response was...... because you’re a c**t! We had the police called because he was pushing me around. He once said I needed to be trained like a dog! That’s why I think he had a lot of narcissistic traits because he was emotionally abusive too. And looking back he was controlling but in a manipulative way not in a direct way as in stopping me doing things. I’ve read about trauma bonding and I’m pretty sure that’s what happened with me. When I first met him I was a happy, outgoing, confident person. I can fairly easily fall into Anxious, with the wrong person but never anything as extreme as this. I didn’t trust him, but he never gave me a reason to. When he broke up with me he actually said that he felt empty inside and as though something was missing in him, how he had just wanted a fun easy relationship and for me to make him feel important! I cane out of that relationship thinking ‘ who the hell am I). That’s why when I saw the profile pic, I thought maybe he has changed. He’s been with her for over a year. (We were together 4 years) But my logical brain says how can someone be so nasty and abusive, turn into a loving, kind, caring person without intensive therapy. But my emotional side says, maybe because I felt anxious it made him be like that. You should have told him you wanted the same from him....not exactly easy to be easy when someone is treating you that way. He certainly fits what I have experienced from my ex Narc. At the end I felt used up...like he had taken the best parts of me and left a hollow rind of the girl I once was. And no...they do not change...I can attest to that. |
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sam
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Post by sam on Jan 17, 2018 14:24:18 GMT
Oh what I meant was he said all of those things to me. He said I was toxic and if he took me out of the relationship it would be better for him. But you’re right, I’m so much better off without him. Things I’ve written on here are just the tip of the iceberg. From day one there were red flags. I once asked why he was never on my side and his response was...... because you’re a c**t! We had the police called because he was pushing me around. He once said I needed to be trained like a dog! That’s why I think he had a lot of narcissistic traits because he was emotionally abusive too. And looking back he was controlling but in a manipulative way not in a direct way as in stopping me doing things. I’ve read about trauma bonding and I’m pretty sure that’s what happened with me. When I first met him I was a happy, outgoing, confident person. I can fairly easily fall into Anxious, with the wrong person but never anything as extreme as this. I didn’t trust him, but he never gave me a reason to. When he broke up with me he actually said that he felt empty inside and as though something was missing in him, how he had just wanted a fun easy relationship and for me to make him feel important! I cane out of that relationship thinking ‘ who the hell am I). That’s why when I saw the profile pic, I thought maybe he has changed. He’s been with her for over a year. (We were together 4 years) But my logical brain says how can someone be so nasty and abusive, turn into a loving, kind, caring person without intensive therapy. But my emotional side says, maybe because I felt anxious it made him be like that. You should have told him you wanted the same from him....not exactly easy to be easy when someone is treating you that way. He certainly fits what I have experienced from my ex Narc. At the end I felt used up...like he had taken the best parts of me and left a hollow rind of the girl I once was. And no...they do not change...I can attest to that. When I met him, he told me he’d had been with someone on and off for 9 months and she had started off alright but turned into a right c**t, and that she did her thing and he did his (separate) and apparently she cheated on him. He also once told me he had called his mum a c**t! Honestly don’t get bigger red flags than that!!! Yes I felt the same, lonely and empty. I can’t see how anyone who is so vicious can change. On the surface they appear good, but at the core of them they are still horrible. So I guess the photo looks happy but I know the darker side to him and I bet she doesn’t know what he did to me. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 17, 2018 14:32:03 GMT
You should have told him you wanted the same from him....not exactly easy to be easy when someone is treating you that way. He certainly fits what I have experienced from my ex Narc. At the end I felt used up...like he had taken the best parts of me and left a hollow rind of the girl I once was. And no...they do not change...I can attest to that. When I met him, he told me he’d had been with someone on and off for 9 months and she had started off alright but turned into a right c**t, and that she did her thing and he did his (separate) and apparently she cheated on him. He also once told me he had called his mum a c**t! Honestly don’t get bigger red flags than that!!! Yes I felt the same, lonely and empty. I can’t see how anyone who is so vicious can change. On the surface they appear good, but at the core of them they are still horrible. So I guess the photo looks happy but I know the darker side to him and I bet she doesn’t know what he did to me. Well, that was the escape of your life!  He wont settle until he sees a woman behave like what he would consider a c* and even if she doesn't sink to that level, she's probably a snobby c*. Little does he know, his behaviour is probably eliciting the very protest behaviours in others, but he just sees the outcome and points a finger right? Its like prodding a wounded dog and blaming it for biting you because you just can't see how your own behaviour perpetuates the biting! |
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sam
Junior Member
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Post by sam on Jan 17, 2018 14:46:15 GMT
When I met him, he told me he’d had been with someone on and off for 9 months and she had started off alright but turned into a right c**t, and that she did her thing and he did his (separate) and apparently she cheated on him. He also once told me he had called his mum a c**t! Honestly don’t get bigger red flags than that!!! Yes I felt the same, lonely and empty. I can’t see how anyone who is so vicious can change. On the surface they appear good, but at the core of them they are still horrible. So I guess the photo looks happy but I know the darker side to him and I bet she doesn’t know what he did to me. Well, that was the escape of your life! He wont settle until he sees a woman behave like what he would consider a c* and even if she doesn't sink to that level, she's probably a snobby c*. Little does he know, his behaviour is probably eliciting the very protest behaviours in others, but he just sees the outcome and points a finger right? Its like prodding a wounded dog and blaming it for biting you because you just can't see how your own behaviour perpetuates the biting! Yes definitely! Exactly! He used to lie, mess me around , let his parents treat me badly, never made me a priority, then wonder why I used to feel so insecure and neglected and when I kicked up a fuss I was the mental one! Then I would get punished. I was dealing with a very messed up individual. Despite the pain, I know I’ve dodged a bullet. 😐 |
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He wont settle until he sees a woman behave like what he would consider a c* and even if she doesn't sink to that level, she's probably a snobby c*. Little does he know, his behaviour is probably eliciting the very protest behaviours in others, but he just sees the outcome and points a finger right? Its like prodding a wounded dog and blaming it for biting you because you just can't see how your own behaviour perpetuates the biting!