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Post by stavs on Jan 16, 2018 15:50:44 GMT
So when FA says the following, what do they really mean? Hopefully some FAs can give fine perspective.
Intense
I just can’t do this.
You deserve better.
I can’t give you what you want and need.
You scare me with your high level of commitment.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 16, 2018 16:06:55 GMT
I turn FA with availables (I'm working on it through therapy) - there's this intensity of overwhelm that can come from someone who feels like they're too... THERE. It's so hard to explain... it's like, if you pick and avoidant partner, you at least know to expect that they will pull away when it gets too much, so there's a feeling of safety in that - you don't "need" to learn where your boundaries should be, or you don't "need" to figure out what your needs are in regards to personal space. If you're FA with someone, it can feel like you know you need to get away, but you don't really know how long for... you just know that whatever is happening there and then between you is too much for you at that time, but you don't know where to put the boundaries... you think that it's just the wrong relationship and that instead of creating the right relationship, you will either magically find it in someone or you will force that person to meet only your needs. It took me a long time to admit I'm FA... I was not in denial, just bloody clueless in the face of it. My actions were hiding in plain sight I guess? I really truly believed myself that the problem was in the people I was dating, not in me... However, I lean more AP than DA - and so I'm not particularly a commitment-phobe since I seek the majority of my attachment from relationships, but I turn commitment-phobic with secures  it's just a terrifying fear that they're not the right person, because I become unhappy and instead of seeing that it's my lack of self love, I just pointed the finger my entire life... I feel very guilty now. Sometimes it's easier for us to push everyone away because we know we're so comfortable with being alone, it's so manageable, less moving parts... but then we crave connection, because we need it too, but then the paradox begins again. |
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Post by tnr9 on Jan 16, 2018 18:51:20 GMT
So when FA says the following, what do they really mean? Hopefully some FAs can give fine perspective. Intense I just can’t do this. You deserve better. I can’t give you what you want and need. You scare me with your high level of commitment. Hey Stavs...i know you want to make it work and I give you so much credit with sticking with her. But her statements don't appear to change regardless of what you do and I know it must be just killing you inside. It seems the only way to actually be with her is if you tone it way back. Is that something you even want to do? No easy answers here it seems. |
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Post by stavs on Jan 16, 2018 21:02:13 GMT
So when FA says the following, what do they really mean? Hopefully some FAs can give fine perspective. Intense I just can’t do this. You deserve better. I can’t give you what you want and need. You scare me with your high level of commitment. Hey Stavs...i know you want to make it work and I give you so much credit with sticking with her. But her statements don't appear to change regardless of what you do and I know it must be just killing you inside. It seems the only way to actually be with her is if you tone it way back. Is that something you even want to do? No easy answers here it seems. I’ve been toning back more lately. I’m letting her initiate more and plan to discuss some things Saturday as well. See how it goes. |
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Post by fatalcharm on Jan 16, 2018 22:31:24 GMT
So when FA says the following, what do they really mean? Hopefully some FAs can give fine perspective. Intense I just can’t do this. You deserve better. I can’t give you what you want and need. You scare me with your high level of commitment. Amazing how they all use the same exact phrases. I've heard 4 of these word for word. |
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sam
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Post by sam on Jan 16, 2018 23:37:42 GMT
So when FA says the following, what do they really mean? Hopefully some FAs can give fine perspective. Intense I just can’t do this. You deserve better. I can’t give you what you want and need. You scare me with your high level of commitment. These sound familiar! My ex would say things like I can’t give you what you want. Why does it have to go anywhere What do you want from me I don’t know what I want I just want my freedom (we saw each other twice a week)! Honestly the list could go on and on. |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 16, 2018 23:45:17 GMT
So when FA says the following, what do they really mean? Hopefully some FAs can give fine perspective. Intense I just can’t do this. You deserve better. I can’t give you what you want and need. You scare me with your high level of commitment. These sound familiar! My ex would say things like
I can’t give you what you want. Why does it have to go anywhere What do you want from meI don’t know what I wantI just want my freedom (we saw each other twice a week)! Honestly the list could go on and on. YUP! For me it was: I just didn't know how to move forward (kept saying that after we reunited and spoke about the discard) It just felt like a lot of effort I can't meet your needs right now and I don't know if I ever can I'm bad at this / I focus on work at the expense of my relationships I never settled down because it was never the right time I only answer to myself / Freedom is my highest value I'm just not sure if there's a future between us *Elusive ambiguous answers to anything implying labels or future plans* |
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Post by yasmin on Jan 17, 2018 0:54:08 GMT
I am FA but I don't have the "too intense" thing although my ex FA used it on me A LOT.
The other comments are things I'd say to someone who I liked, but not enough to give them whatever they wanted. Sorry if that's a bad answer but I each person is different.
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Post by tnr9 on Jan 17, 2018 1:15:18 GMT
My ex would say I was three steps ahead of him and that my passion level for him was greater than his passion level for me....translation on my side....I am not where you are ( as in how serious this is) and I love you, but not in the way you love me. I really wish looking back on things...that I was able to just back way off and take things day by day...but even then, I am not sure it would have changed things in the end.
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Post by tnr9 on Jan 17, 2018 1:26:52 GMT
I turn FA with availables (I'm working on it through therapy) - there's this intensity of overwhelm that can come from someone who feels like they're too... THERE. It's so hard to explain... it's like, if you pick and avoidant partner, you at least know to expect that they will pull away when it gets too much, so there's a feeling of safety in that - you don't "need" to learn where your boundaries should be, or you don't "need" to figure out what your needs are in regards to personal space. If you're FA with someone, it can feel like you know you need to get away, but you don't really know how long for... you just know that whatever is happening there and then between you is too much for you at that time, but you don't know where to put the boundaries... you think that it's just the wrong relationship and that instead of creating the right relationship, you will either magically find it in someone or you will force that person to meet only your needs. It took me a long time to admit I'm FA... I was not in denial, just bloody clueless in the face of it. My actions were hiding in plain sight I guess? I really truly believed myself that the problem was in the people I was dating, not in me... However, I lean more AP than DA - and so I'm not particularly a commitment-phobe since I seek the majority of my attachment from relationships, but I turn commitment-phobic with secures it's just a terrifying fear that they're not the right person, because I become unhappy and instead of seeing that it's my lack of self love, I just pointed the finger my entire life... I feel very guilty now. Sometimes it's easier for us to push everyone away because we know we're so comfortable with being alone, it's so manageable, less moving parts... but then we crave connection, because we need it too, but then the paradox begins again. I am wondering...is the lack of being able to speak to a boundary a result of having boundaries constantly crossed by a caregiver? I would imagine that would cause a child to shut down and to expect everyone to cross his/her boundaries. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 17, 2018 1:59:12 GMT
I turn FA with availables (I'm working on it through therapy) - there's this intensity of overwhelm that can come from someone who feels like they're too... THERE. It's so hard to explain... it's like, if you pick and avoidant partner, you at least know to expect that they will pull away when it gets too much, so there's a feeling of safety in that - you don't "need" to learn where your boundaries should be, or you don't "need" to figure out what your needs are in regards to personal space. If you're FA with someone, it can feel like you know you need to get away, but you don't really know how long for... you just know that whatever is happening there and then between you is too much for you at that time, but you don't know where to put the boundaries... you think that it's just the wrong relationship and that instead of creating the right relationship, you will either magically find it in someone or you will force that person to meet only your needs. It took me a long time to admit I'm FA... I was not in denial, just bloody clueless in the face of it. My actions were hiding in plain sight I guess? I really truly believed myself that the problem was in the people I was dating, not in me... However, I lean more AP than DA - and so I'm not particularly a commitment-phobe since I seek the majority of my attachment from relationships, but I turn commitment-phobic with secures it's just a terrifying fear that they're not the right person, because I become unhappy and instead of seeing that it's my lack of self love, I just pointed the finger my entire life... I feel very guilty now. Sometimes it's easier for us to push everyone away because we know we're so comfortable with being alone, it's so manageable, less moving parts... but then we crave connection, because we need it too, but then the paradox begins again. I am wondering...is the lack of being able to speak to a boundary a result of having boundaries constantly crossed by a caregiver? I would imagine that would cause a child to shut down and to expect everyone to cross his/her boundaries. Very accurate! In respects to my FA, I know that he has a very neurotic and controlling Dad, although he doesn't really go into it all - independence is incredibly important to him. In respect to myself, I grew up in a very codependent relationship with my mother who grew up in an incredibly abusive home in more ways than a few, and she turned out to be... well... you can only imagine. There were really no boundaries in my childhood in that way... I also had an FA Dad who I never really had boundaries with, simply because I didn't need them, he wasn't really around. In that way, I've only ever known engulfment or neglect off both my parents, and so I never knew where the "walls" were supposed to go... so I tend to navigate towards being a codependent in a narc/BPD relationship or I end up with avoidants who never give me enough I think these situations can either give you rigid boundaries or non-existent boundaries ... I run from relationships when I have a close partner because I don't know where to put the boundaries, and so it makes sense to me that other FAs might do the same thing |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 17, 2018 2:04:21 GMT
totally subconscious of course - just feel violated and uncomfortable in some way (no inner protection from clear inner boundaries) and run for the damn hills until we're at a safe distance and then we're like "hey, i've missed you" ... it's a bit fucked up
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Post by Deleted on Jan 17, 2018 2:38:18 GMT
I also have a curious thing to mention ... my FA often has this idea that I just KNOW what's on his mind. When he came to me before about a problem he hadn't voiced, and I asked why he hadn't, he said that he often forgets people can't just read his mind and thinks they already know. That made me wonder a lot about whether he was shut down as a child if he had a boundary that had been crossed - just did not feel able to voice it or that it was even a viable option to him
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Post by tnr9 on Jan 17, 2018 2:52:32 GMT
I also have a curious thing to mention ... my FA often has this idea that I just KNOW what's on his mind. When he came to me before about a problem he hadn't voiced, and I asked why he hadn't, he said that he often forgets people can't just read his mind and thinks they already know. That made me wonder a lot about whether he was shut down as a child if he had a boundary that had been crossed - just did not feel able to voice it or that it was even a viable option to him My ex's father was very strict as well and I also wonder if my ex shut down as a child because of it. It never crossed my mind before how intrusive his dad probably was and how unseen/unheard/unappreciated and unloved my ex probably felt. it makes me really sad for him. |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 17, 2018 3:25:57 GMT
I also have a curious thing to mention ... my FA often has this idea that I just KNOW what's on his mind. When he came to me before about a problem he hadn't voiced, and I asked why he hadn't, he said that he often forgets people can't just read his mind and thinks they already know. That made me wonder a lot about whether he was shut down as a child if he had a boundary that had been crossed - just did not feel able to voice it or that it was even a viable option to him My ex's father was very strict as well and I also wonder if my ex shut down as a child because of it. It never crossed my mind before how intrusive his dad probably was and how unseen/unheard/unappreciated and unloved my ex probably felt. it makes me really sad for him. I know what you're saying ... attachment injury origin stories are always so sad, because at the root of it, you know someone has been dismissed at their most vulnerable moment of their life by the person who was supposed to teach them they are unconditionally loveable and that love is safe and they deserve it. But we have to be careful not to rescue other people at the expense of our own needs ... it's one thing to try to save someone from their deep sense of neglect or isolation but its another to neglect ourselves in that process... we're no good in the water if we're both drowning  |
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it's just a terrifying fear that they're not the right person, because I become unhappy and instead of seeing that it's my lack of self love, I just pointed the finger my entire life... I feel very guilty now.
