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Post by kristyrose on Jan 27, 2018 4:13:06 GMT
Hi everyone, Yesterday I just spent some time crying and trying to be with how I'm feeling. I really appreciate the different points on view and advice on here. If I'm honest with myself, going NC would be to see if he will come back to me. I think I just need to first accept the reality of things. He is able to act as friends, take away the physical stuff and keep me around while he "lives his life"- meaning, he will hang out with me but find someone else and then stop talking to me. I'm just a source of comfort, not someone he can see himself being with anymore. This is very painful because his actions told such a different story. I'm trying to understand and realize that despite that, his perspective was different than mine. I felt romantic closeness, he just felt perhaps comfort but nothing more. I will honestly never know at this point what he felt, all I can do now is deal with the reality. He doesn't want me. I truly thought this talk would help bring us closer, but deep down I knew the risk in it ending things permanently. I have done NC with him twice, both times he came back and both times it was agony for me. I'm trying to figure out the best way forward and instead of declaring anything to him, I think I will just stand still for now and try to process what has happened. I feel like I was turned over my head and shaken around, I just need my bearings. He mentioned feeling trapped sometimes, now I feel trapped. This post on Reddit is magnificent and really helped me understand NC: www.reddit.com/r/ExNoContact/comments/5f6h6e/its_not_no_contact_that_has_them_begging_for_a/This is perfect! Thank u! Just what i need rt now |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 27, 2018 4:33:41 GMT
Here is another one on No Contact Kristyrose. She deals extensively with this relationship dynamic and no contact in her blog. incredible resource and she has books too. www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/breaking-up-and-moving-on-by-cutting-contact-part-1/This blog is written from the AP perspective and misses the mark on the inner workings of avoidants , but it’s still a great tool for working on the AP side of things. She doesn’t use those terms but its the same dynamic. |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 27, 2018 5:01:03 GMT
kristyrose, I think that the loss of contact is so difficult after you have spent so much time with another person. I am struggling with this too right now and even being avoidant, I have not been able to shut the door completely with my ex. I don't have the same struggle wanting to contact him, but we do remain in contact. I vascillate between it being painful to remain in contact and not wanting to cut it off completely. I do think though that perhaps I would heal faster if I did cut it off, at least for a period of time.
Only you can decide what is best for you. Take some time to process what is happening. For me, each day was different (still is but getting better) and sometimes each hour. Over time, I think the answer will become clear to you. I took each day and I focused on what I was feeling and thinking and did not think about what he was thinking or what he may or may not do. Each day, I think I come closer to knowing what I think and want. Do not let loneliness or the loss be your guide. It's really, really hard and I hope it gets easier for you soon.
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Post by kristyrose on Jan 27, 2018 19:19:57 GMT
Hi Lucy and everyone, Well the chat went horribly. I stuck my agenda of calling out how we are interacting, that we obviously still enjoy being with each other etc. and that I would like to just acknowledge and enjoy what we have now with no pressure and expectations. Well he had a different idea. He said that while he hasn't been dating at all since our break-up, he wants to be open to meeting new people and that his main goal is for us to stay friends. He basically denied that we have spent the past 9 months dating! He was very stoic and said we simply hung out, it was fun, but he doesn't want a relationship. He said he regards his friends very highly, that he wants to know if I can see myself as his friend. I said it would take NC and probably years to even consider that. He said, well I'm willing to take the risk of you taking a break while you decide if you want to be my friend. I was so shocked. I did not expect this. I thought if anything he would possibly agree to some terms of where we are at- not deny reality entirely! We have been going on dates, spending weekends at each other house, and he acts like we were just buddies after 2.5 yrs. I lost it and started crying. It was just too much. I told him I don't want to lose him, but obviously we want different things. We argued back and forth about stupid details like who texted who first and when i pointed out all the times he reached out when I tried to get space, he basically downplayed it and said maybe he was just bored essentially. It was crazy making and the past two days I'm just numb and hurt. I know I went along with it but I had hope. I told him how much I cherished the past 9 months he said he cherished our time as a couple ,but didn't feel the same as me about the 9 months. It was shocking! I know know he is avoidant, so tried to keep that in mind, but this was so cold as if I wasn't even there. I am at a total loss. I just joined this forum as a recently self-diagnosed AP, who just finished for the final time (I hope) with my FA after about six months. In retrospect, as a young man (early twenties) I was very AP but absolutely clueless about it - but somehow ended with someone slightly AP but more secure and remained married for 12 years. I'm now 43, divorced at 40, and have just spent the final two months of my relationship buried in researching attachment theory which has been truly eye-opening for me. Of course I thought knowing about my and my FA's driving emotions and attachment styles would help me navigate it better, but of course it did nothing of the sort; it only made me more anxious. I found myself unwittingly trying to be my ex's therapist - albeit passively - and not her partner as I delighted in the idea of sharing everything I had been learning about "us," and why our relationship was starting to disintegrate and how we could "fix" it. Being an AP this seemingly is a natural inclination - wanting to fix, trying to be open, talking too much perhaps, trying to be vulnerable but probably just coming across needy and triggering my FA's flight response. I've only read a few of your posts, but your relationship's progression sounds remarkably like mine, albeit compressed into six months. After a huge blow up where it was all over, again, I went no contact but told her she could call me if she really needed to (guilt on my side knowing about her abandonment issues.) Two days later I get a call at 7am asking if we could try again. She too seemed massively pressured by the idea of being tagged in a relationship, so instead we were going to be see each other exclusively for dates and to keep it "light and simple" -- yes -- a meaningless differentiation to me, but I agreed. Thankfully (yes) on our first date I drank way too much wine and got triggered by her pulling out her phone to text people a couple of times. I was/am in love with her, in as much as an AP can be with an FA, and I had a month's worst of suppressed frustrations after her last withdrawal (she basically went AWOL for two weeks after an incredibly intimate Christmas together). My outburst just served to help her gaslight me further as an "insecure jealous psycho", and she left the bar. A day later, we broke up for the last time (Jan 12th.) I have been waking up every day with butterflies since early December and I just want it to go away. We're still in contact now because I am "important" to her, and even though I know no-contact is what I need, I can't do it. The very fact I know her deepest insecurities and fears as an FA, and my being an AP means I am trapped in this cycle, even now. My greatest wish and also my biggest fear is that we'll get back together. I don't even know why I am responding to your post because I know I cannot help you. I think the key points I've been focusing on is that you cannot fix them. I most recently read these two articles, getting the most reassurance from pt2. Maybe they'll help you. www.goodtherapy.org/blog/ending-anxious-avoidant-dance-part-1-opposing-attachment-styles-0518174 www.goodtherapy.org/blog/ending-anxious-avoidant-dance-part-2-built-in-path-to-healing-0518175Look after yourself. Hi x0n, Welcome to the forum. It has been an incredibly helpful resource for me and I'm so grateful for the folks on here. As you read through others posts you will also see the pain and the lessons we are learning together. You do not need to worry about not helping me when you respond, we are all doing our best so a lot of the time sharing stories helps us know we are not alone. I feel the same in my situation, right now I haven't heard from my ex since I saw him thursday, though its only been a day, however I do know he is probably angry at me since we have now had 2 arguments in the past week. He always blames me and this last time he probably feels quite justified in not only breaking up with me last year, but not wanting a relationship with me now. I want so badly for him to reach out, and like you, want him to also stay away. I've done my fair share of research, read Jeb's book and others and know our pattern quite well. You are correct, it is a very painful trap and the sooner you get out, the better. But, that is way easier said than done. Because it's a trap, getting out takes so much energy and courage, it can see quite daunting. Take it day by day, read the posts on here, post as much as you need to and know you are not alone. Thank you for the articles, I will take a look. I also really liked the NC one, though NC is something I struggle with. |
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Post by kristyrose on Jan 27, 2018 19:34:37 GMT
kristyrose, I think that the loss of contact is so difficult after you have spent so much time with another person. I am struggling with this too right now and even being avoidant, I have not been able to shut the door completely with my ex. I don't have the same struggle wanting to contact him, but we do remain in contact. I vascillate between it being painful to remain in contact and not wanting to cut it off completely. I do think though that perhaps I would heal faster if I did cut it off, at least for a period of time. Only you can decide what is best for you. Take some time to process what is happening. For me, each day was different (still is but getting better) and sometimes each hour. Over time, I think the answer will become clear to you. I took each day and I focused on what I was feeling and thinking and did not think about what he was thinking or what he may or may not do. Each day, I think I come closer to knowing what I think and want. Do not let loneliness or the loss be your guide. It's really, really hard and I hope it gets easier for you soon. Hi Mary, I woke up feeling a bit better today. I have not heard from him since I sent an email Thursday night after our argument, I basically told him that I am in pain right now, that I am struggling to understand how we could be together for 9 months, yet have opposite thoughts/feelings on it. I apologized for being "off" but it was so hard to see him and know he doesn't want me. At any rate, we are never apart more than a week or 2 tops, so I've no idea how this will shake out. I have never sent him an email that is so direct and talks about my feelings so openly. I usually send him emails that are more logic based to appeal to how he likes to receive information. I left it open just telling him that spending time with him while he dates is something I cannot do, but that I have hope for us that we can find a way to be in each others lives in some way, just don't know how. He hates conflict, so 2 arguments in one week will no doubt make him angry and very put off by me and my heartfelt email. I woke up trying to focus on my day, taking it hour by hour. No contact is so incredibly hard and even my ex can't seem to do that either. In the end though, I don't know what else to do. I know what I want with him, he doesn't want the same, but what is so crystal clear is that we love being together. It is maddening and heartbreaking. I am going to keep taking it day by day for now. I literally cannot do anything else at this point. I am so sorry to hear you are in pain. I can tell you from experience the first time I did NC for 2 months, it was excruciating, but about 30 days in, it actually started to get better. The only reason I broke is because my ex kept reaching out and I mistakenly thought it was to get back together. It seems like if you can get through a certain period of pain, it starts to become tolerable and I do believe that is when the healing starts. Just something to think about, but I do get how hard it must be right now. Another thought, have you guys discussed being friends? How long since you have spoken or communicated? |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 27, 2018 23:49:33 GMT
kristyrose, I think that the loss of contact is so difficult after you have spent so much time with another person. I am struggling with this too right now and even being avoidant, I have not been able to shut the door completely with my ex. I don't have the same struggle wanting to contact him, but we do remain in contact. I vascillate between it being painful to remain in contact and not wanting to cut it off completely. I do think though that perhaps I would heal faster if I did cut it off, at least for a period of time. Only you can decide what is best for you. Take some time to process what is happening. For me, each day was different (still is but getting better) and sometimes each hour. Over time, I think the answer will become clear to you. I took each day and I focused on what I was feeling and thinking and did not think about what he was thinking or what he may or may not do. Each day, I think I come closer to knowing what I think and want. Do not let loneliness or the loss be your guide. It's really, really hard and I hope it gets easier for you soon. Hi Mary, I woke up feeling a bit better today. I have not heard from him since I sent an email Thursday night after our argument, I basically told him that I am in pain right now, that I am struggling to understand how we could be together for 9 months, yet have opposite thoughts/feelings on it. I apologized for being "off" but it was so hard to see him and know he doesn't want me. At any rate, we are never apart more than a week or 2 tops, so I've no idea how this will shake out. I have never sent him an email that is so direct and talks about my feelings so openly. I usually send him emails that are more logic based to appeal to how he likes to receive information. I left it open just telling him that spending time with him while he dates is something I cannot do, but that I have hope for us that we can find a way to be in each others lives in some way, just don't know how. He hates conflict, so 2 arguments in one week will no doubt make him angry and very put off by me and my heartfelt email. I woke up trying to focus on my day, taking it hour by hour. No contact is so incredibly hard and even my ex can't seem to do that either. In the end though, I don't know what else to do. I know what I want with him, he doesn't want the same, but what is so crystal clear is that we love being together. It is maddening and heartbreaking. I am going to keep taking it day by day for now. I literally cannot do anything else at this point. I am so sorry to hear you are in pain. I can tell you from experience the first time I did NC for 2 months, it was excruciating, but about 30 days in, it actually started to get better. The only reason I broke is because my ex kept reaching out and I mistakenly thought it was to get back together. It seems like if you can get through a certain period of pain, it starts to become tolerable and I do believe that is when the healing starts. Just something to think about, but I do get how hard it must be right now. Another thought, have you guys discussed being friends? How long since you have spoken or communicated? We have discussed being friends. He wants to get back together and I need time to heal, so being friends won't happen now, but possibly in the future. We are still in contact. I would be ok with no contact, but out of respect for him, I still respond. We are taking it one day at a time and he is getting help for his issues. The break up has nothing to do with attachment. It's possible we could reconcile if he gets help. I think just because 2 people love being together, it's not always for the best. I agree with you. It's maddening and heartbreaking. |
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Post by kristyrose on Jan 29, 2018 4:29:11 GMT
Hi Mary, I woke up feeling a bit better today. I have not heard from him since I sent an email Thursday night after our argument, I basically told him that I am in pain right now, that I am struggling to understand how we could be together for 9 months, yet have opposite thoughts/feelings on it. I apologized for being "off" but it was so hard to see him and know he doesn't want me. At any rate, we are never apart more than a week or 2 tops, so I've no idea how this will shake out. I have never sent him an email that is so direct and talks about my feelings so openly. I usually send him emails that are more logic based to appeal to how he likes to receive information. I left it open just telling him that spending time with him while he dates is something I cannot do, but that I have hope for us that we can find a way to be in each others lives in some way, just don't know how. He hates conflict, so 2 arguments in one week will no doubt make him angry and very put off by me and my heartfelt email. I woke up trying to focus on my day, taking it hour by hour. No contact is so incredibly hard and even my ex can't seem to do that either. In the end though, I don't know what else to do. I know what I want with him, he doesn't want the same, but what is so crystal clear is that we love being together. It is maddening and heartbreaking. I am going to keep taking it day by day for now. I literally cannot do anything else at this point. I am so sorry to hear you are in pain. I can tell you from experience the first time I did NC for 2 months, it was excruciating, but about 30 days in, it actually started to get better. The only reason I broke is because my ex kept reaching out and I mistakenly thought it was to get back together. It seems like if you can get through a certain period of pain, it starts to become tolerable and I do believe that is when the healing starts. Just something to think about, but I do get how hard it must be right now. Another thought, have you guys discussed being friends? How long since you have spoken or communicated? We have discussed being friends. He wants to get back together and I need time to heal, so being friends won't happen now, but possibly in the future. We are still in contact. I would be ok with no contact, but out of respect for him, I still respond. We are taking it one day at a time and he is getting help for his issues. The break up has nothing to do with attachment. It's possible we could reconcile if he gets help. I think just because 2 people love being together, it's not always for the best. I agree with you. It's maddening and heartbreaking. Hi Mary, I see. Indeed it sounds so painful what you're dealing with. Whatever the reason, I really hope he gets the help he needs and you continue to have good days while you are healing. I think you are quite brave for being so open on here and for offering up advice, and also seeking support. Sending you a warm hug and hope for a restful evening. |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 29, 2018 4:35:47 GMT
We have discussed being friends. He wants to get back together and I need time to heal, so being friends won't happen now, but possibly in the future. We are still in contact. I would be ok with no contact, but out of respect for him, I still respond. We are taking it one day at a time and he is getting help for his issues. The break up has nothing to do with attachment. It's possible we could reconcile if he gets help. I think just because 2 people love being together, it's not always for the best. I agree with you. It's maddening and heartbreaking. Hi Mary, I see. Indeed it sounds so painful what you're dealing with. Whatever the reason, I really hope he gets the help he needs and you continue to have good days while you are healing. I think you are quite brave for being so open on here and for offering up advice, and also seeking support. Sending you a warm hug and hope for a restful evening. Thanks kristyrose! I know my situation will work out for the best, whichever way it ends up. I hope you are feeling better today. |
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Post by kristyrose on Jan 29, 2018 4:43:27 GMT
It was an up and down day for sure, made harder by his stonewalling- however, I'm hanging in there and doing OK! :-)
thank you!
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Post by Deleted on Jan 29, 2018 4:54:46 GMT
I'm glad to hear that you are doing alright. I'm with you on the ups and downs. Earlier today, I wanted to curse him out and tonight, I want to crawl into bed with him, lol. What a roller coaster.
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Post by kristyrose on Jan 29, 2018 5:00:44 GMT
I'm glad to hear that you are doing alright. I'm with you on the ups and downs. Earlier today, I wanted to curse him out and tonight, I want to crawl into bed with him, lol. What a roller coaster. awww... i so hear you!! Saturday night aka drunken text night, I missed him so much I wanted to forget the past 2 weeks and just act like all was well and having him sleep over. Today, I felt some anger at his silence, but quickly reminded myself that he gets overloaded with too much conflict, and we have had a lot in the past 2 weeks coupled with my long email and texts- i think i may actually be triggering him, so I'm just going to back off completely. I do really hope things will work out for you both though. It sounds like there is some hope in there down the road. |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 29, 2018 5:04:17 GMT
I'm glad to hear that you are doing alright. I'm with you on the ups and downs. Earlier today, I wanted to curse him out and tonight, I want to crawl into bed with him, lol. What a roller coaster. haha my emotions and impulses have been pretty mellow today, even after he called friday night. reading and posting here is keeping me keen on acting in my best interests and i’m cooler than i have ever been dealing with this breakup. it’s been a roller coaster in the past and i am outgrowing it. let’s see what happens if he stays in touch, i am just sitting back and hanging out here haha |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 29, 2018 5:07:33 GMT
Thank you. I'm not ruling out a reconciliation if he gets it together, so we'll see. I hope you get your resolution as well, whichever way you want it to go. We just need to take good care of ourselves in the meantime  I've been eating way too many cookies, it must be my replacement for sex, lol. |
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Post by madamebovary on Jan 29, 2018 5:11:04 GMT
The thing is that he thinks you're going to accept what he offers so unless you go no contact then he doesn't have anything to lose I am late to this and just reading through. KristyRose, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. This idea of “just being friends” is something my DA is also obsessed with. Instead of just ending it, or committing to it. When I tell him he’s treating me like a FWB or a f*ckbuddy, so why don’t we just call it that, he gets all bent and says “that’s not fair, we’re so much more” but... that’s not at all how he behaves. He refuses to text daily or even every few days and only wants to see each other a couple times a month. I know we both have kids and jobs and exes and everything, but COME ON. |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 29, 2018 5:11:19 GMT
i went into a little bit of hopeful fantasy today but reeled it in pretty fast because i just don’t want to go in circles.
breaking up is hard, and i don’t want to keep failing at it and having to do it again.
if reconciliation is right i will know. until he shows me something i need to take a second look at i want to keep my eyes on the road and keep going the right direction for myself .
i just don’t want to suffer senselessly any more. why should i.
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