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Post by Deleted on Jan 29, 2018 5:19:48 GMT
Lots of support and love for both of you, and any of you lurkers out there.
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Post by kristyrose on Jan 29, 2018 17:58:47 GMT
The thing is that he thinks you're going to accept what he offers so unless you go no contact then he doesn't have anything to lose I am late to this and just reading through. KristyRose, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. This idea of “just being friends” is something my DA is also obsessed with. Instead of just ending it, or committing to it. When I tell him he’s treating me like a FWB or a f*ckbuddy, so why don’t we just call it that, he gets all bent and says “that’s not fair, we’re so much more” but... that’s not at all how he behaves. He refuses to text daily or even every few days and only wants to see each other a couple times a month. I know we both have kids and jobs and exes and everything, but COME ON. Hi Madame, Oh yes I totally understand how this feels. Its a way I think for them to keep us in their lives in a way that is both manageable and comfortable. For us, it just hurts. I hope you are feeling better today, and just taking it one day at a time. |
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Post by kristyrose on Jan 29, 2018 18:01:16 GMT
i went into a little bit of hopeful fantasy today but reeled it in pretty fast because i just don’t want to go in circles. breaking up is hard, and i don’t want to keep failing at it and having to do it again. if reconciliation is right i will know. until he shows me something i need to take a second look at i want to keep my eyes on the road and keep going the right direction for myself . i just don’t want to suffer senselessly any more. why should i. That's one of my biggest problems. I let my mind drift into the what-ifs...what if he misses me and comes back again? maybe this time he will realize he can't be without me? on and on until I also realize its been 9 months so if he were going to change his mind, it would have happened by now. What I see, are two people who share the same goals, being in each others lives, with completely opposite ideas of what that looks like and both stubbornly trying to convince the other. |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 29, 2018 18:11:42 GMT
i have no desire to try to make a horse drink by now, thank goodness.
I just want to be happy. all that doesn’t make me happy at all!!
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Post by kristyrose on Jan 29, 2018 20:00:44 GMT
Yes, I hope as the days pass I can care less about what he's thinking. He knows how much stonewalling hurts me as I've brought it up in the past as a deal breaker- so perhaps he is just cutting off contact the easiest way he knows how. See? I still care what he thinks!
haha
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Post by Deleted on Jan 29, 2018 20:26:05 GMT
well i’m in contact with mine which is good i guess because abandonment gets triggered in me with No Contact so it’s better for me to just be very boundaried.
If i wasn’t immersing myself in my own self care i know i would be struggling more.
it isn’t that i don’t have feelings but i am not acting on any of them other than coming to read or post here.
One day at a time and i like good days better than bad ones so i am trying to help that along.
it’s been a long road to get this far and i just want to keep going because the cycle hurts.
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Post by kristyrose on Jan 29, 2018 21:07:06 GMT
Absolutely!
I am trying to do the same. Not focus on his silence, but instead focus on the calmness I am grateful to be feeling today, I know there are tough days to come, more pain, but I can finally see a tiny bit of light at the end of the tunnel.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 29, 2018 21:10:40 GMT
Absolutely! I am trying to do the same. Not focus on his silence, but instead focus on the calmness I am grateful to be feeling today, I know there are tough days to come, more pain, but I can finally see a tiny bit of light at the end of the tunnel. we’ll get through it. i am so glad you are feeling better today. i am in a good place but i know it’s up and down for a while longer. I am conflicted and i hate that place but i accept that it’s just where i am, and i don’t have to act on anything. i really am just practicing patience with my feelings, with time, with things i can’t control. I might be going batshit in a day or two but i will make sure i keep it real with you guys here 😖😙 |
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Post by kristyrose on Jan 29, 2018 21:11:37 GMT
Awww me too tgat! Batshit indeed!
But we are here for you! THAT you can count on.
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Post by kristyrose on Feb 1, 2018 20:14:19 GMT
I am sorry to hijack this thread but also am in need of support going through what sounds remarkably similar to x0ff and kristyrose - except condensed into an even shorter amount of time. Our involvement has been 6 months total but only 2 months of proper time together which has just been a goddamn relationshi*! We have been on the merry go round 3x and it’ll be the death of me if I let him back in for take 4. I drive myself insane considering all the possibilities of what my ‘ex’ (if you can even call him that!) is suffering from psychologically...I definitely feel he has some avoidant attachment or disorder as his behaviour and push/pull cycle fits to a tee. I am struggling with first week of NC now and the only comfort I take from the headache and heartache I have endured with him is that I’m recognising I need to bail this early (which already has been too long already) before I get in any deeper. I didn’t realise you could feel so much in such little time for someone who wasn’t even really ‘there’. Like kristyrose, the last straw for me was hearing him tell me he had no feelings for me a week after being in my bed and begging for proper relationship - AGAIN. It is a knife to the heart to hear that and be the recipient of such cruel words and behaviour. I often wonder if he ever cared about me at all at this point. Hi Amblin, First, deep breaths. Indeed this kind of behavior is not only crazy making, it causes a lot of confusion and heartache. You have come to the right place in understanding more about attachment styles. Are you familiar with your own? It really helps to start there, and then of course to understand what your partner might have, which sounds on the Avoidant spectrum. This is easier said than done, believe me, but the less invested you are time wise, the more I suggest getting out. I have held on far too long in the hopes things would change, they never did and they never will. My ex is 45 yrs old and his longest relationships are about 6 months- he even does the push/pull with his friends. I love him dearly and he is actually a really good person, but I cannot help him. It's like drowning and trying to save the person next to you who is also drowning- it just doesn't work. Keep posting on here and if you haven't had a chance yet, i suggest reading some of the others posts to get a better idea of what we have all gone through. There are so many wonderful folks on here of all different attachment styles, so the conversation is rich and ripe with understanding. |
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