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Post by Deleted on Jan 27, 2018 16:22:05 GMT
I grew up with a narc mother, so I learned early that conflicts never end in resolution or compromise. Fighting back only meant more conflict and pain, therefore I used to avoid fights or conflict as much as possible. Then having a serious relationship with a narc compounded this belief. I only learned recently that fights can end in compromise, problem solving and understanding. I never knew this before! It changed my whole way of thinking. Before, I would avoid the conflict, because I thought if we fought it would mean the end of the relationship. It was truly eye opening that conflict could be constructive.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 27, 2018 16:43:24 GMT
Ive recently had talks with my DA and he’s said a couple of things that stood out to me:
Conversations that are emotionally involved for either or both parties are considered serious conversations, even if it was just talking about exes or expectations or things we like or didn’t like about each other. It doesn’t even have to be conflict, but conflict will certainly fall into this category.
These conversations are draining for him, even if it was neutral and positive and/or resolved positively.
He would often act sleepy or state that he is sleepy or tired or unwell, sort of before the conversation ends, and there’s never a hug and make up moment. It’s just the conversation stops there and sometimes never resolves or have a conclusion. He has also said that me continuing the conversation when he’s obviously tired is not paying attention to his needs (to which I responded that he’s continued talking and he’s free to tell me he’s tired. Seriously!)
The conversations have to be repeated several times till there’s a clear resolution as he seems to have processed it very slowly over time and then made it into a logical outcome. He always seem to sense when I’m at my breaking point before he gives in and then talks. Which is something I also pointed out.
He said to cue him by saying explicitly i need a serious conversation which he then has to switch on a special set of brains to deal with. He needs to get into a frame of mind in order to answer me seriously, otherwise he just dismissed or doesn’t take my questions seriously.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 27, 2018 17:01:17 GMT
anxious, my ex DA was very similar.
Once we were talking about something positive his therapist was helping him with. He voluntarily shared it, and asked for my input.
As i was sharing, he literally started to nod off.
I asked him if he was too sleepy to continue and he said no, he liked what i was sharing.
So i just kept sharing.
What i understand about him is he easily feels pressured and controlled even by supportive opinions. His depth and capacity for philosophical thinking, his compassion and deep concern for others, is masked behind such behaviors and it really is taxing to him.
In situations of conflict he may need days to be ready to re engage because he overthinks and then shuts down.
His childhood was very difficult also and he was absolutely engulfed by his parents.
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Post by bedlam71 on Jan 27, 2018 21:38:42 GMT
It's confusing to me as to why someone wouldn't want to problem solve and work through conflict. My ex would do some major stonewalling and nothing would ever get resolved. She was content with leaving things without any plan or closure. To me, it appeared as if she just didn't give a crap. She would get physically ill after our arguments though, so I guess something was going on. Emotional flooding, alexithymia, trying to maintain control. I guess it is very scary to her when I put my thoughts and emotions out there. She has a hx of sexual trauma and never received treatment for it. Her family is pretty conflict avoidant too.
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Post by serene13 on Jan 27, 2018 23:03:00 GMT
I'm wondering if anyone's ever had this experience: After seeing my DA/FA for the first time in about 7 months, we had a good time casually talking and joking about stuff. I must have felt semi-comfortable because I brought up the situation that caused him to distance and appeared to be the thing that caused the extended time since seeing each other. I admitted that it was tough on me and that it hurt. He said sorry and it appeared as if he kind of went into a kind of trance - like the discussion of it caused a physical reaction. It lasted a few moments, long enough for me to notice but not to comment on. He had a visible physical and mental reaction to the discussion of the thing that made him retreat. It's something that stays with me... even though it happened months ago. We stayed in touch for awhile until he couldn't anymore and then completely disappeared  . |
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Post by guest on Jan 28, 2018 19:35:19 GMT
I'm wondering if anyone's ever had this experience: After seeing my DA/FA for the first time in about 7 months, we had a good time casually talking and joking about stuff. I must have felt semi-comfortable because I brought up the situation that caused him to distance and appeared to be the thing that caused the extended time since seeing each other. I admitted that it was tough on me and that it hurt. He said sorry and it appeared as if he kind of went into a kind of trance - like the discussion of it caused a physical reaction. It lasted a few moments, long enough for me to notice but not to comment on. He had a visible physical and mental reaction to the discussion of the thing that made him retreat. It's something that stays with me... even though it happened months ago. We stayed in touch for awhile until he couldn't anymore and then completely disappeared . I've seen that too serene13, after my Ex broke up with me the first time (afterwards we started dating but she only referred to me as her "non-boyfriend") we had slept together a couple times but I felt that she had one foot out the door so I went on a date, her friend saw us out, when i asked my ex if that made her jealous she spaced out for a bit before saying it didn't. I know the look you're talking about. |
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Post by serene13 on Jan 28, 2018 21:20:39 GMT
I'm wondering if anyone's ever had this experience: After seeing my DA/FA for the first time in about 7 months, we had a good time casually talking and joking about stuff. I must have felt semi-comfortable because I brought up the situation that caused him to distance and appeared to be the thing that caused the extended time since seeing each other. I admitted that it was tough on me and that it hurt. He said sorry and it appeared as if he kind of went into a kind of trance - like the discussion of it caused a physical reaction. It lasted a few moments, long enough for me to notice but not to comment on. He had a visible physical and mental reaction to the discussion of the thing that made him retreat. It's something that stays with me... even though it happened months ago. We stayed in touch for awhile until he couldn't anymore and then completely disappeared . I've seen that too serene13, after my Ex broke up with me the first time (afterwards we started dating but she only referred to me as her "non-boyfriend") we had slept together a couple times but I felt that she had one foot out the door so I went on a date, her friend saw us out, when i asked my ex if that made her jealous she spaced out for a bit before saying it didn't. I know the look you're talking about. Dang, bip, it was an interesting moment! I noticed it, paused, and had to stop myself from asking what was wrong. I had already discovered the attachment differences by that point and had learned some stuff. All of it had been an eye-opening experience for me. All of my serious relationships had been with non-avoidant, secure guys - the only other people in my life that I can guess have been avoidant were a good childhood friend and perhaps my mother. Anyway - I logged it in my memory and the moment ended. |
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