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Post by bedlam71 on Jan 20, 2018 16:47:49 GMT
None of us really like conflict; however, it seems avoidants are extremely averse to it. Because of this it causes even more conflict because nothing ever gets resolved. My ex FA/DA combo hated arguing and described it as traumatic sometimes. Can someone help me understand this?
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Post by yasmin on Jan 20, 2018 17:00:26 GMT
One of the most intimate interactions between two people is the resolution of conflict. It's a way of growing closer.
It also opens you to criticism.
Many that's it?
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Post by bedlam71 on Jan 20, 2018 17:26:01 GMT
It definitely makes one vulnerable. I don't think I asked my question right though. I want to understand more about how the avoidant experiences conflict. Does that makes sense?
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Post by compassionate on Jan 21, 2018 3:14:55 GMT
I think my ex is an FA. He told me he hated conflicts but i guess I didn’t take it seriously enough because I thought to myself “of course most prople don’t like conflicts”. We had some small arguments.. maybe on average once a month when we were together for 6 months.. basically just talking but no yelling. Then one day we had a more serious one Because I ran away from him and asked him not to follow me. Then all of a sudden he just broke up with me. I was shocked because all those months before that one incident, we had a lot of fun and intimacy together. He told me he loved me and snuggled me passionately just A few days before that incident; he didn’t say i love you very often but i was the first person he said that to. So even now I still had no clue how he can just change to the opposite just after one conflict incident. I still cannot accept it and its been hurting me deeply.
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Post by compassionate on Jan 21, 2018 3:17:19 GMT
One of the most intimate interactions between two people is the resolution of conflict. It's a way of growing closer. It also opens you to criticism. Many that's it? Thats what i thought too. But i learned my lesson and ruined a great telationship. I guess it really depends. Not everyone can handle it positively. |
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Post by tnr9 on Jan 21, 2018 3:58:31 GMT
One of the most intimate interactions between two people is the resolution of conflict. It's a way of growing closer. It also opens you to criticism. Many that's it? Thats what i thought too. But i learned my lesson and ruined a great telationship. I guess it really depends. Not everyone can handle it positively. Ok...I need to correct an incorrect statement you have made. You certainly did not ruin a great relationship based on one argument with a request for some space. He could have allowed you that space and approached you at another time for clarification..but he didn't. He had as much a choice in how that interaction ended up and he chose to react out of his own insecurities and fear instead of partnering with you on solutions. Believe me...I know that spiraling thought that says "if only I had done things differently, a different outcome could have been achieved."...Perhaps...but perhaps all you would have done is deferred his decision to a different date. Conflict happens...you can't tippy toe around another person's attachment style. We are all human and will oftentimes make mistakes...but it is the mutual understanding, love and respect of both people, along with a willingness to show up authentically that determines whether those mistakes are just little bumps in the road or huge obstacles. Welcome to the boards.  |
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Post by compassionate on Jan 21, 2018 5:19:03 GMT
Thats what i thought too. But i learned my lesson and ruined a great telationship. I guess it really depends. Not everyone can handle it positively. Ok...I need to correct an incorrect statement you have made. You certainly did not ruin a great relationship based on one argument with a request for some space. He could have allowed you that space and approached you at another time for clarification..but he didn't. He had as much a choice in how that interaction ended up and he chose to react out of his own insecurities and fear instead of partnering with you on solutions. Believe me...I know that spiraling thought that says "if only I had done things differently, a different outcome could have been achieved."...Perhaps...but perhaps all you would have done is deferred his decision to a different date. Conflict happens...you can't tippy toe around another person's attachment style. We are all human and will oftentimes make mistakes...but it is the mutual understanding, love and respect of both people, along with a willingness to show up authentically that determines whether those mistakes are just little bumps in the road or huge obstacles. Welcome to the boards. Thank you so much for your kind words :”( it all happened so sudden and i’ve been blaming myself for creating that argument that pushed him away. He said he couldn’t handle conflicts and cant shake the idea that i’m not the right one. I don’t even have a chance to try to be the right one because he told me he doesn’t believe conflicts can be resolved. I’m glad that I found this board. I feel shocked, helpess, miserable, but found some support here :”) thank you again |
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Post by trickyone on Jan 21, 2018 9:23:40 GMT
Strangely my FA ex expected lots of conflict and seemed to think less of me because I wasn't constantly calling him out on his behaviour. He had a volatile relationship with his previous girlfriend and a hyper controlling, critical mother so I guess that's what he expected from me.
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Post by tnr9 on Jan 21, 2018 13:19:57 GMT
Ok...I need to correct an incorrect statement you have made. You certainly did not ruin a great relationship based on one argument with a request for some space. He could have allowed you that space and approached you at another time for clarification..but he didn't. He had as much a choice in how that interaction ended up and he chose to react out of his own insecurities and fear instead of partnering with you on solutions. Believe me...I know that spiraling thought that says "if only I had done things differently, a different outcome could have been achieved."...Perhaps...but perhaps all you would have done is deferred his decision to a different date. Conflict happens...you can't tippy toe around another person's attachment style. We are all human and will oftentimes make mistakes...but it is the mutual understanding, love and respect of both people, along with a willingness to show up authentically that determines whether those mistakes are just little bumps in the road or huge obstacles. Welcome to the boards. Thank you so much for your kind words :”( it all happened so sudden and i’ve been blaming myself for creating that argument that pushed him away. He said he couldn’t handle conflicts and cant shake the idea that i’m not the right one. I don’t even have a chance to try to be the right one because he told me he doesn’t believe conflicts can be resolved. I’m glad that I found this board. I feel shocked, helpess, miserable, but found some support here :”) thank you again But there is a difference between telling someone that conflicts cause him/her fear and working together to find a solution and simply saying because I cannot handle conflicts and we have had conflicts, you are not "the right one". Consider for a moment what an impossible situation this guy has set up for his partner. He is asking someone to meet an ideal that he likely has in his head and when that ideal is not met..poof...he leaves. Who knows what other criteria he has lurking behind that curtain. No....you only own your side of things...you don't own his. |
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Post by tnr9 on Jan 21, 2018 13:34:11 GMT
Strangely my FA ex expected lots of conflict and seemed to think less of me because I wasn't constantly calling him out on his behaviour. He had a volatile relationship with his previous girlfriend and a hyper controlling, critical mother so I guess that's what he expected from me. Interesting...my ex(don't know what attachment style is) had a very controlling father. I think his mom was complicit and he tends to have more of a jokey relationship with her. |
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Post by compassionate on Jan 21, 2018 17:09:39 GMT
Thank you so much for your kind words :”( it all happened so sudden and i’ve been blaming myself for creating that argument that pushed him away. He said he couldn’t handle conflicts and cant shake the idea that i’m not the right one. I don’t even have a chance to try to be the right one because he told me he doesn’t believe conflicts can be resolved. I’m glad that I found this board. I feel shocked, helpess, miserable, but found some support here :”) thank you again But there is a difference between telling someone that conflicts cause him/her fear and working together to find a solution and simply saying because I cannot handle conflicts and we have had conflicts, you are not "the right one". Consider for a moment what an impossible situation this guy has set up for his partner. He is asking someone to meet an ideal that he likely has in his head and when that ideal is not met..poof...he leaves. Who knows what other criteria he has lurking behind that curtain. No....you only own your side of things...you don't own his. That’s why I was so shocked when he broke it off :”( because everything else seemed to be great, and that’s what he said too at the end, not sure if he’s just trying to make me feel better. I tried to have a calm conversation with him but he said it’s draining him because he’s confused and doesn’t want to think about the conflict. He said the last incident showed that there’s possibily we would have more conflicts in the future, and he couldn’t shake it off and is afraid to get into more conflicts in our relationship. I tried to let him know we can work things out but he said that the idea that I am not “the one” ate at him. He said he had something similar with his ex but didn’t know how to end it, so he just settled until his ex told him she felt he’s not trying and initiated to end it. I read online that FA has a strong belief about “the one” too. You are right... i cannot be 100% perfect and i will make mistake again in the furture to turn him off.. just a matter of time  Just wish he would at least let me try ONCE to show him we can work on it together, instead of no sign then all of a sudden “you’re not the right one because conflicts cannot be resolved, and i don’t wanna string you along”. Thank you tnr9 |
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Post by Jaeger on Jan 21, 2018 23:44:36 GMT
Strangely my FA ex expected lots of conflict and seemed to think less of me because I wasn't constantly calling him out on his behaviour. He had a volatile relationship with his previous girlfriend and a hyper controlling, critical mother so I guess that's what he expected from me. Speaking of strangely, my ex seemed to resent me for not fighting with her (verbally, that is. I'd been kickboxing for a good 12 years by this point, so I doubt she liked her chances there  ). Actually cited it as one of the reasons for the eventual breakup. Apparently, not having fights made me less of a man, in her eyes. Perhaps drama and struggle is a means to gauge how committed (hooked) someone is, in their eyes. |
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Post by Jaeger on Jan 21, 2018 23:55:15 GMT
But there is a difference between telling someone that conflicts cause him/her fear and working together to find a solution and simply saying because I cannot handle conflicts and we have had conflicts, you are not "the right one". Consider for a moment what an impossible situation this guy has set up for his partner. He is asking someone to meet an ideal that he likely has in his head and when that ideal is not met..poof...he leaves. Who knows what other criteria he has lurking behind that curtain. No....you only own your side of things...you don't own his. That’s why I was so shocked when he broke it off :”( because everything else seemed to be great, and that’s what he said too at the end, not sure if he’s just trying to make me feel better. I tried to have a calm conversation with him but he said it’s draining him because he’s confused and doesn’t want to think about the conflict. He said the last incident showed that there’s possibily we would have more conflicts in the future, and he couldn’t shake it off and is afraid to get into more conflicts in our relationship. I tried to let him know we can work things out but he said that the idea that I am not “the one” ate at him. He said he had something similar with his ex but didn’t know how to end it, so he just settled until his ex told him she felt he’s not trying and initiated to end it. I read online that FA has a strong belief about “the one” too. You are right... i cannot be 100% perfect and i will make mistake again in the furture to turn him off.. just a matter of time Just wish he would at least let me try ONCE to show him we can work on it together, instead of no sign then all of a sudden “you’re not the right one because conflicts cannot be resolved, and i don’t wanna string you along”. Thank you tnr9 Mistakes are a means to grow closer, if they are seen and treated as such. The thing is, in these cases they are seen as a sign of incompatibility and a cue to move on. There can be no growth with a mindset like this. In fact, in terms of mindsets regarding relationships, there is a lot of 'fixed mindset' on display with avoidants (https://www.brainpickings.org/2014/01/29/carol-dweck-mindset/ for those interested) In short, any relationship where there is a zero-tolerance attitude to making mistakes has very, very limited potential to grow and a lot of (anxious) partners find this out the hard way by bending over backwards to be what they perceive their avoidant partner to want them to be, only to be broken up with a little further down the line. This is a pattern, this time it's you, next time it will be someone else. Some avoidants will learn that they have had a large part in their relationships never working out and working towards a degree of change. It is my opinion that most will never reach this point, and even the ones that do are unlikely to change to such a degree that I would be able to have a relationship with them that I would consider to be fulfilling. |
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Post by compassionate on Jan 22, 2018 6:54:46 GMT
That’s why I was so shocked when he broke it off :”( because everything else seemed to be great, and that’s what he said too at the end, not sure if he’s just trying to make me feel better. I tried to have a calm conversation with him but he said it’s draining him because he’s confused and doesn’t want to think about the conflict. He said the last incident showed that there’s possibily we would have more conflicts in the future, and he couldn’t shake it off and is afraid to get into more conflicts in our relationship. I tried to let him know we can work things out but he said that the idea that I am not “the one” ate at him. He said he had something similar with his ex but didn’t know how to end it, so he just settled until his ex told him she felt he’s not trying and initiated to end it. I read online that FA has a strong belief about “the one” too. You are right... i cannot be 100% perfect and i will make mistake again in the furture to turn him off.. just a matter of time Just wish he would at least let me try ONCE to show him we can work on it together, instead of no sign then all of a sudden “you’re not the right one because conflicts cannot be resolved, and i don’t wanna string you along”. Thank you tnr9 Mistakes are a means to grow closer, if they are seen and treated as such. The thing is, in these cases they are seen as a sign of incompatibility and a cue to move on. There can be no growth with a mindset like this. In fact, in terms of mindsets regarding relationships, there is a lot of 'fixed mindset' on display with avoidants (https://www.brainpickings.org/2014/01/29/carol-dweck-mindset/ for those interested) In short, any relationship where there is a zero-tolerance attitude to making mistakes has very, very limited potential to grow and a lot of (anxious) partners find this out the hard way by bending over backwards to be what they perceive their avoidant partner to want them to be, only to be broken up with a little further down the line. This is a pattern, this time it's you, next time it will be someone else. Some avoidants will learn that they have had a large part in their relationships never working out and working towards a degree of change. It is my opinion that most will never reach this point, and even the ones that do are unlikely to change to such a degree that I would be able to have a relationship with them that I would consider to be fulfilling. I agree with you! Thank you for your comment : ) it means a lot to me beacause this is what i need now to understand, accept and move on. |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 27, 2018 16:03:11 GMT
Hi, as an avoidant i actually don’t have an aversion to conflict now that i understand and employ healthy ways to engage it.
Not saying i am perfect at it, but conflict feels safe to me for the most past if the rules of engagement reflect care and respect for the individuals involved.
most of the conflict i experienced in my life prior to finding recovery from dysfunction involved a lot of emotional, psychological abuse. These things can be as subtle as interrupting, distorting, minimizing, or as blatant as outright verbal and emotional assault. Conflict in my life also sometimes resulted in physical violence against me. For a long time i avoided conflict for these reasons because i dreaded what might happen to me.
I dare say most individuals here with attachment disorders suffered the same painful consequences from conflict that wasn’t handled in a healthy and respectful way, throughout their lives.
Often, when we experience this we learn unhealthy ways of handling conflict, and even if our intentions are good, many of us (i am thinking the readers included) engage in conflict styles that are hurtful, even abusive. Not intentionally, but because we feel threatened or unheard or otherwise emotionally triggered.
Healthy conflict resolution is a skill that takes practice and openness to being mistaken and willingness to adjust, without having to go into self-flaggelation triggered by shame.
It’s something lots of people struggle with, especially if they don’t have insight into their own difficulties with conflict.
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Just wish he would at least let me try ONCE to show him we can work on it together, instead of no sign then all of a sudden “you’re not the right one because conflicts cannot be resolved, and i don’t wanna string you along”. Thank you tnr9 
). Actually cited it as one of the reasons for the eventual breakup. Apparently, not having fights made me less of a man, in her eyes. Perhaps drama and struggle is a means to gauge how committed (hooked) someone is, in their eyes.