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Post by tnr9 on Jan 21, 2018 22:34:42 GMT
Last week, after I saw my ex (and he left early), I was actually ok.....today was a completely different matter. He arrived a bit late and I actually got up from my table and got him the book we are going through...which I would not have done for anyone else. At the end...he spoke to a mutual friend and then came over to me. He said he needed to repay me for the book....I told him I did not pay the fee but that I would cover the cost. He insisted on paying for it (which makes sense as we are not dating) and then went to talk to yet another mutual friend. I then broke down in tears (which hopefully he did not see)...I think I felt a combination of embarrasment and shame. So much for my plan to come across as "ok" with him being there. I don't know when he left...but I spent the next 4 hours talking to various friends trying to regain my composure.
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Post by kristyrose on Jan 22, 2018 6:40:23 GMT
tnr9,
oh no! I am so sorry to hear this. I'm glad you had other people to talk to and be with during that time, though I know the pain you must be feeling. I hope you were able to get home and take good care of yourself. I like to get under my weighted blanket with my dog and a cup of tea.
Sending you lots of hugs.
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Post by tnr9 on Jan 22, 2018 10:21:50 GMT
Thanks Kristyrose....I will be honest, I am not sure I can stay in this community and see him week after week after week. Yesterday's incredibly short interaction threw me for a tailspin. He had every right to speak up for himself and say he was going to pay for the book...but it is my reaction that is causing me concern...it is way more than the situation called for...so there was certainly something else going on with me. The thing is...I know my ex....I know it is incredibly important that he define himself...so I don't fully understand why I felt compelled to even go and get the book for him....he could have figured it out and gotten to for himself, or just not had the book. Why did I feel the need to "caretake" when I know it must come off as intrusive and smothering to him. The other thing I could have done is just taken the money from him and paid back the guy who purchased the books. Again, I would have avoided the very awkward exchange. But as I am thinking about this further, his response did not just come across as a "hey that is generous of you to offer, but I have got this covered" but more of a "You are overstepping my boundary". It was the kind of snappish reaction I have seen him give to his mother....and I am not his mother. So, upon reflection, his reaction even seems more than the situation called for as well. It just wasn't a very good moment...and if that is my reaction to something so small...I am concerned about what happens when he starts chatting up other girls. Just feeling really uncomfortable right now.
While I was n that unfortunately triggered mindset...I made a second mistake of seeking assurance from my very DA friend. I apologized (completely out of being triggered) for how I had not been a very good friend when my ex and I were dating and her response was that we had our "season" but that did not make me a bad friend...then she stated matter of factly, that I need to be doing things like exercise and taking classes. In hindsight, I should not have spoken to her at that time because she reminds me a lot of my mom....and I end up resenting the advice as wanting to "fix me" versus wanting to be with me. I should have recognized that taking to her would only make me feel worse.
Grateful to be able to get this out and be more curious and accepting versus blaming myself.
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