Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jan 23, 2018 2:50:26 GMT
Hi all, I've got a question for all:
I've raised my concerns with his distancing strategies for the past few months, and pointed out that he was somewhat mean to me over a period of time (it's never outright mean or nasty, but things like being impatient, no space for my emotions, making barbed remarks (that he says were just bad jokes). I explained that I am raising another conversation (had 2 others about something else) as I'm struggling to feel safe with him again and engage in the positive interactions that he's been bringing to the table. I would like to understand, not problem solve.
In essence, he said to tell him when I feel like things are going wrong, and he will tell me why. He did not really offer me much explanation, short of that he doesn't really remember doing those things, and if he did it was not with the intention of hurting me, and he doesn't think he is a bad person. There was a little bit of self disclosure that he always loses things every couple of years, but the conversation didn't move from there. He ended off with saying that if I don' let go of the past hurts, we can't really be ok - this I agree with, but my issue is I can't seem to let it go! I have a fear that it'll occur again (this trauma I experienced during the last emotional disconnect) and a general doubt that this is a (rather unsatisfying) relationship I need to keep in my life even though I like it.
My question is - when your DA offers a solution (call me out on it when it happens), do you take it?
|
|
|
|
Post by Lucy1 on Jan 23, 2018 17:34:32 GMT
Dont quite understand what the question is, sorry!
I think you need to decide if you can deal with the way he is or not. You may be able to make slight improvements over time, but in my experience heavy conversations all the time wont get you anyway.
Its good he told you point out to him when he is hurting you (is that what you meant), but you can not expect miracles. If he is a FA/DA then he is so for a reason and its ingrained in him.
I do know how past hurt keeps affecting us, but he is right by saying you need to decide if you are able to move on beyond it or not. Problem is once there has been a cut...a wound will re-open much quicker than if no cut had ever been there
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jan 24, 2018 1:26:46 GMT
Thanks Lucy1 for replying!
I guess the real question is do you (and how) rebuild trust after a push-pull cycle?
You're right that once there's been a cut, there's a wound. He's offering a solution so that we move forward, but I'm realizing I don't trust him nor his solution nor the relationship. It's almost impossible to move forward when there's just absolutely no trust.
I've also come to realize that the dynamics we have now are insufficient to make up for the structure (long distance, see him once a month, and now I am relocating which makes it even harder to meet). This trip, he's making effort to spend time with me as I'm relocating but I'm finding it almost repulsive and fake!
|
|
lucy
New Member
Posts: 30 
|
Post by lucy on Jan 24, 2018 13:32:20 GMT
Anxious,
It sounds to me like you have already made a decision and cant fully acknowledge it.
Trust takes time. But it also takes a conscious decision to try to trust someone again.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jan 24, 2018 16:30:10 GMT
Anxious, It sounds to me like you have already made a decision and cant fully acknowledge it. Trust takes time. But it also takes a conscious decision to try to trust someone again. Yes Lucy, I haven’t gotten there yet. I recognise that I probably left the convo for so long that I’m holding too much hurt now. We just had another good talk - for real this time - he was much more open. Nonetheless, I’m relocating and the proof is in the pudding. I want to have a higher standard of what’s acceptance in terms of action and effort, rather than just what is said in the moment of positivity. Still leaning towards the “run!!” But like you said rightly, Lucy, it’ll take time and a conscious decision to trust. And that conscious decision depends on the dynamics following the talks. Thanks Lucy, for saying it out so clearly; really helps me in thinking through this. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jan 27, 2018 12:11:01 GMT
“The more you care about yourself, the more they will. The irony is once you have yourself back, you no longer want them back which is exactly the point when they return, if they do.” I got this from this post that’s from another thread. It’s such an excellent way of putting things! The more I cared about my needs and pushed for talks and answers, the more he responded. The irony is while he responded and I felt momentarily satisfied. I no longer cared as much as to whether he did or how he did or what he did respond with. It’s still sad as I can’t fully bring myself to end it yet. There’s still parts of me that go maybe there’s hope, and maybe things will go better. And only time can tell.. www.reddit.com/r/ExNoContact/comments/5f6h6e/its_not_no_contact_that_has_them_begging_for_a/ |
|
lucy
New Member
Posts: 30
|
Post by lucy on Jan 27, 2018 16:24:01 GMT
Hi Anxious, yes actually quite a good article. Mentioned some good points like NC only good if you do it for yourself. And about putting yourself first etc.
I have done a lot of work in the last 6weeks or so of trying to put myself first. Its slowly getting easier. Still not sure where my ex DA and I are now ...not friends...but not in a relationship either. And I am starting to care bit less. I know I still have a heck of a long way to go. And yes, the more I find happyness and distance myself the more he wants to be with me.
I texted with my mum today again about my plans to adopt a child and she is getting quite excited. It is something I have thought about for many years. In fact I told my ex about it when we met. My plans to become a single mum. Anyway. Trying to look forward again and sorting stuff to be able to start the process and actually feeling a bit again like there is hope in my future. Not emotionally ready to start yet though..
Dont get me wrong. Still check my phone all the time, and still want him back, cry every day, he is first though in the morning and last at night..but also starting to be realistic... and putting myself first. Still a lot of healing to do...
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jan 27, 2018 16:42:20 GMT
Hi all, I've got a question for all: I've raised my concerns with his distancing strategies for the past few months, and pointed out that he was somewhat mean to me over a period of time (it's never outright mean or nasty, but things like being impatient, no space for my emotions, making barbed remarks (that he says were just bad jokes). I explained that I am raising another conversation (had 2 others about something else) as I'm struggling to feel safe with him again and engage in the positive interactions that he's been bringing to the table. I would like to understand, not problem solve. In essence, he said to tell him when I feel like things are going wrong, and he will tell me why. He did not really offer me much explanation, short of that he doesn't really remember doing those things, and if he did it was not with the intention of hurting me, and he doesn't think he is a bad person. There was a little bit of self disclosure that he always loses things every couple of years, but the conversation didn't move from there. He ended off with saying that if I don' let go of the past hurts, we can't really be ok - this I agree with, but my issue is I can't seem to let it go! I have a fear that it'll occur again (this trauma I experienced during the last emotional disconnect) and a general doubt that this is a (rather unsatisfying) relationship I need to keep in my life even though I like it. My question is - when your DA offers a solution (call me out on it when it happens), do you take it? The impatience, the barbed comments, the not remembering are all breaking down the trust. Read Gottman's 4 Horsemen theory of communication. It sounds like "contempt" is present here. According to the theory, no relationship can survive if contempt is present. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jan 27, 2018 16:53:34 GMT
Hi all, I've got a question for all: I've raised my concerns with his distancing strategies for the past few months, and pointed out that he was somewhat mean to me over a period of time (it's never outright mean or nasty, but things like being impatient, no space for my emotions, making barbed remarks (that he says were just bad jokes). I explained that I am raising another conversation (had 2 others about something else) as I'm struggling to feel safe with him again and engage in the positive interactions that he's been bringing to the table. I would like to understand, not problem solve. In essence, he said to tell him when I feel like things are going wrong, and he will tell me why. He did not really offer me much explanation, short of that he doesn't really remember doing those things, and if he did it was not with the intention of hurting me, and he doesn't think he is a bad person. There was a little bit of self disclosure that he always loses things every couple of years, but the conversation didn't move from there. He ended off with saying that if I don' let go of the past hurts, we can't really be ok - this I agree with, but my issue is I can't seem to let it go! I have a fear that it'll occur again (this trauma I experienced during the last emotional disconnect) and a general doubt that this is a (rather unsatisfying) relationship I need to keep in my life even though I like it. My question is - when your DA offers a solution (call me out on it when it happens), do you take it? The impatience, the barbed comments, the not remembering are all breaking down the trust. Read Gottman's 4 Horsemen theory of communication. It sounds like "contempt" is present here. According to the theory, no relationship can survive if contempt is present. Totes, I felt gaslighted and small and disrespected! I mean, I’m not an idiot - I know when I’m being lied to or treated barely. The thing is, once he came back from his “time out”, he seems to be back to normal. No bitch behavior as I now call it. During the time out, I just mirrored him and withdrew all affection, worked on my grieving and accepting the relationship might not work out afterall. right now he’s behaving well and normally, but the spell’s been broken. We’ve recently had new talks where i brought up new issues and he was a lot more positive and forthcoming and cooperative. To be honest, I think deep down inside I’m just biding my time to get ready to exit the relationship - if he manages to change my mind during this time, good on him, but until I see real consistent change (which I think is hard given the Long-er distance), I’m going to be wary of him. Afterall, who was it that said “when they show you who they are, believe it”? |
|
