I think right now, you're making everything about him and what he feels and what he wants and you need to accept that with every person the only thing you can control is yourself; so think about what you're willing to accept and what you're not and stand 100% firm on that. This is good for him and for you. If you want a relationship that's committed, stand 100% firm on that, if you're genuinely happy with friendship then stand 100% firm on that (friendship doesn't include intimate texting, too much closeness, hanging out 1 on 1 or sex) but the point is to make a decision and completely stick to it.
Don't make excuses for him saying he does things out of guilt or doesn't seem aware. I promise you, he IS aware. He knows calling it "just friends" is hurtful to you, he knows you want a relationship, he knows you have a relationship and he's pretending it isn't do he can treat you badly and then say, "oh come on Kristy, we're just friends". I am not saying he's a bad guy, but he is 100% wrong here and he is behaving selfishly and hurting a lovely woman who obviously cares a lot about him.
He's looking out for himself.
You're looking out for him too.
Who's looking out for Kristyrose here?
I promise you that if you start looking out for Kristyrose more this WON'T drive him away, it will make him respect you and it will make him realise you don't get to be someone's boyfriend and pretend you're not. If he does want to be with you, he will understand that it means commitment or at least basic respect of calling a spade a spade and if he doesn't then did you want to waste time anyway caring so much for someone that is looking for other options? If he truly cares about you as a friend (as he's saying) then he will come back asking you to be friends with him and offering you the respect a friend gives to you - friends don't have sex with you and then call it "hanging out". Friends care about each other and work to the other person's greatest good.
I know it's hard to be brave and walk away, but honestly, it's the only hope you have of getting what you want from this person because right now over a period of 9 months you've taught him that he can take whatever he wants, whenever he wants without consequences so now you have to teach him what life is like without you. Sometimes people (whether avoidant or not) need to learn the value of someone and not to take them for granted.
You're an amazing girl, and you have so many qualities which make you lovable and a great potential partner. If you can start feeling the belief of that and the confidence then you just won't care any more about his reasons for behaving like a douche; you'll just be able to take it at face value and decide that whatever the reason, you don't want a BF who behaves like a douche. You deserve to be treated with love every day and have the guy your with posting on a forum asking what he can do to make you happy.
I've been (still am) in the same position as you have been and it was hard but I DID just walk away from the guy. He didn't just forget me or move onto someone else - he was devastated about it, and he respected me doing it and it made him see he'd been behaving badly. No - he's not ready or willing to give me a relationship but he IS willing to do whatever it takes to have me in his life as a friend, and if that means actually behaving like one then he will do it. He's avoidant, yes, but he's also capable of reasoning and seeing that he needs to treat friends well.
Yasmin, I need to seriously copy this post and email it to myself to look at each day!
Thank you for the support and for tactfully pointing out what I do not truly want to see. A friend of mine said a very similar thing last night about how my moving away from him, taking care of myself and cutting him out, will only serve to help me heal. I did wonder actually, if my ex didn't respect me given how I have behaved the past 9 months as well. I have gone along with our tacit agreement to not speak out about my own needs and acknowledge what I felt was real. I am glad I had to conversation even though it's ultimately ending my time with him. I do not want to be his friend, it would take a lot of time to forgive him and myself. I wanted to explore a relationship again from a place of honesty. I actually fooled myself into thinking that was what we could do. We didn't fight, he opened up more, there was a genuine care and affection between us. It all feels like a lie. I do not think he will come back this time, I do not even know what his true feelings for me are. On the surface, he looked like a guy who was as crazy about me as I was about him.
