A question I’ve seen broached a couple times...

I hear what you’re saying, but that doesn’t seem to take into account the fact that they’re avoidant. There are tons and tons of examples on this site where an avoidant ex was triggered and left and came back. Your advice would be perfect if my ex was normal, but the fact that they think that ghosting is an appropriate response in this situation is proof that their thinking is off.

Ghosting isn’t a neutral thing. It’s just a way for the avoidant to get whaf they want (not having to deal with something painful or unpleasant) at the expense of everyone else. I’ve had an ex refuse to deal with something that was so painful for me that it literally put me in the hospital. It would have taken a five minute conversation to clear up, but they refused. I had to pin them down and force them to talk about it, and in a few minutes it was cleared up. Granted, they liedbthrough their teeth to avoid responsibility, but the point was that they were so weak and selfish that they let me become physically ill rather than have a brief conversation.

From your statement, if she has decided she doesn’t want to deal with me at all, then my question is still cogent. Since there wasn’t any reason to not speak to me, and in fact she did for a few months after the breakup, then the only reason she would be ghosting me now is if talking to me triggers her avoidant tendencies, which would mean there is still some emotion there.

On the other hand, if she has “moved on”, then talking to me wouldn’t be a big deal. I’m not sure how well you read my post, but she isn’t even responding to things that would only require a civil and polite thanks. I haven’t overwhelmed her with communication. She has gotten plenty of space, to the tune of 2 texts in 8 months. IF she had moved on, then why wouldn’t she respond? It would mean nothing to her. Instead, she is ignoring polite communication and really looks rude and inconsiderate to anyone who knows what is going on. I’m not sure how anyone would see this as an appropriate response.

So again, your advice would make a lot of sense if we took the avoidant factor out it. But then again, if that wasn’t cogent, then she wouldn’t be ghosting me in the first place.

I agree 100% that it’s cowardly, but I do want to make a distinction. There is a difference between “having feelings for someone” and “having emotion attached to someone.” The former implies that they are ghosting bc they still have romantic feelings, and I have no doubt this does happen. Some people make a decision, and decide they are standing by it, right or wrong.

However, that is a distinction from emotion. If your ex didn’t have some emotion attached to the person, then he would have no reason to ghost. It is negative emotion for the time being, but clearly you don’t ghost on people if talking to them presents no negativity for you.

I think this is a valuable thought because a lot of us feel very discarded and unimportant when one of our exes ghosts on us. I mean, ghosting is completely denying your existence. It is what you do to someone who is threatening or violent. It is not what you do to someone whose caring about you makes you uncomfortable.

It has given me some comfort to think of it that way. She’s not talking to me, and that hurts, but that must mean that the idea of talking to me hurts her too, and that means I’m NOT disposable and unimportant. It means I meant something to them and they can’t handle it, so they’re using a cruel defense mechanism to hide behind.

Also, I’ve never actually met anyone, avoidant or not, who gets Over their feelings for someone and is able to just discard them and “move on”, as an earlier poster suggested. In my experience, if a relationship didn’t end badly, your ex will almost inevitably have some warm feelings for you and will probably at least consider getting back together. I’ve never dated a dismissive avoidant, and that seems to be their thing, but generally people aren’t that callous.

Anyway, I do appreciate your feedback, and I get why everyone seems to be urging me away from this idea. I get how it seems like I’m desperately waiting and hoping my ex will come back. I assure you I’m not. I’ve dated a lot since the breakup, I guarantee more than she has, and I’ve improved myself and done what I can to move on. I realize that I do still have unresolved feelings, though, and part of it is being made to feel worthless. This train of thought hells me to negate that and make me feel better about myself. I won’t lie and say that I don’t want her to come back, but I don’t have all my eggs in that basket. I do need to deal with it, in some way, and I’m working on what that should be. But for now, being able to think that being ignored means I’m not just some loser to her, but that she can’t deal with what went down so she falls back on her old familiar train of avoidance, makes me feel a bit better, and I honestly don’t think the logic is flawed.