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Post by tnr9 on Jan 24, 2018 13:11:15 GMT
My ex left something at my place...it isn't something he needs and the last time I saw him he said "We will deal with that later". I have been holding onto this "thing" like it is a promisary note, instead of seeing it as a way to keep me in his life. A good friend has said I need to give that thing back to him...as long as I have it...he has control and thinks he can come back whenever he wants. I have been reluctant to give it back (obviously I prefer the story I tell myself over the reality of my friend) but I think it is time I made as clean of a break as I can. He has told me his truth...he only wants a friendship and I have to finally decide if that is even ok with me. In truth, this has been my last ditch effort to see a potential of reconciliation (holding on to that item) so I know by doing this...it is going to make me swirl for a while. I won't be at the singles group this Sunday..so I plan to take it the Sunday after that.
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Post by kristyrose on Jan 24, 2018 22:54:06 GMT
Hi tnr9,
Oh the pain of returning stuff. When my ex broke up with me, I had my best friend go to his house and return a box of all of this things as well as pick up mine. Honestly, I cried the whole time this was happening, but I knew I didn't have the strength to do it myself and I didn't want my ex to see how much pain I was in.
I recommend either sending it to him if you can, or giving it to someone who can give it to him. TRUST ME.
it does 2 things:
1. It sends a message that YOU are moving on
2. It keeps your pain more private and it can be a small boost for the sore ego
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Post by Deleted on Jan 24, 2018 23:14:07 GMT
trn9 i really applaud your ability to be honest with yourself about your motives because i think becoming aware and alert to the stories we tell ourselves helps to free us from the patterns that keep us stuck!
You’ll totally empower yourself by “catching yourself in the act” of a protective behavior and making a different, conscious choice.
That’s the hard work and you’re doing it. I’m still working on that myself. We can all inspire each other, i hope.
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Post by leavethelighton on Feb 16, 2018 0:53:27 GMT
Did you end up giving it back? My concern wouldn't so much be him having control in that he can return at any time as the object being so symbolic and carrying so much emotional weight that in a way it could control you as you keep thinking about the object, whether/when/how to return it, what you would do if he comes for it etc. etc. etc. I'd give it back and move on.
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Post by madamebovary on Feb 26, 2018 7:12:08 GMT
My ex left something at my place...it isn't something he needs and the last time I saw him he said "We will deal with that later". I have been holding onto this "thing" like it is a promisary note, instead of seeing it as a way to keep me in his life. A good friend has said I need to give that thing back to him...as long as I have it...he has control and thinks he can come back whenever he wants. I have been reluctant to give it back (obviously I prefer the story I tell myself over the reality of my friend) but I think it is time I made as clean of a break as I can. He has told me his truth...he only wants a friendship and I have to finally decide if that is even ok with me. In truth, this has been my last ditch effort to see a potential of reconciliation (holding on to that item) so I know by doing this...it is going to make me swirl for a while. I won't be at the singles group this Sunday..so I plan to take it the Sunday after that. Unfortunately, I think your friend is right. I hate that my DA leaves things open-ended and sends mixed messages but he’s doing the same thing. He’s keeping the upper hand. My friend said I have to move past him (even if he texts me every now and then to say “I like you so much I’m just SO BUSY”) and basically pretend he’s dead. That’s the only way I’ll get away from that romantic hope when he purposely leaves an emotional door open that he thinks I’ll bever shut on my own. |
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Post by cricket on Feb 26, 2018 19:53:53 GMT
My ex left something at my place...it isn't something he needs and the last time I saw him he said "We will deal with that later". I have been holding onto this "thing" like it is a promisary note, instead of seeing it as a way to keep me in his life. A good friend has said I need to give that thing back to him...as long as I have it...he has control and thinks he can come back whenever he wants. I have been reluctant to give it back (obviously I prefer the story I tell myself over the reality of my friend) but I think it is time I made as clean of a break as I can. He has told me his truth...he only wants a friendship and I have to finally decide if that is even ok with me. In truth, this has been my last ditch effort to see a potential of reconciliation (holding on to that item) so I know by doing this...it is going to make me swirl for a while. I won't be at the singles group this Sunday..so I plan to take it the Sunday after that. Unfortunately, I think your friend is right. I hate that my DA leaves things open-ended and sends mixed messages but he’s doing the same thing. He’s keeping the upper hand. My friend said I have to move past him (even if he texts me every now and then to say “I like you so much I’m just SO BUSY”) and basically pretend he’s dead. That’s the only way I’ll get away from that romantic hope when he purposely leaves an emotional door open that he thinks I’ll bever shut on my own. Have you read the book He said she said? It's about commitment phones and our roles we play. It helped me reading thru so many stories that were like mine or worse off. Your situation sounds so much like my other ex that was commitment phobe not so much DA but I don't know where the line is for that. |
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