For avoidants to speak to please:Compartmentalization

After reading your posts, I get it now.  It is about the need for space and I think we do need more space than others and that's ok.  You also found out that some people may not engage with you enough.  I think what you are talking about is a couple steps further out from needing a girl's night out.  You want some time and space just for you while still having that deep connection with your partner.  I don't see it as a problem if it's a happy medium.  I think there are many independent people out there that would be very happy with that. 

Here is what I have learned about that over my life.  Having only had relationships with men that didn't want me to have any time and space alone, I thought that's what relationships were about, being tied at the hip.  If I didn't give them all my time, they were upset.  I started to think that relationships weren't for me, because of this rather than looking at the fact that I was dating the wrong people for me.  

With my last partner, he was able to meet me with my time and space needs.  Over time, I began to realize that all the time and space I thought had to fight for in the past, I didn't need as much in this relationship.  There were other factors, but this combination with other factors, made me more secure and I wanted to spend more time with him and let him into more parts of my life.  It was a strange learning process.    

I think you have realized this already.  You are looking for that person that will meet you with time and space needs, yet fulfill your emotional needs.  I think these 2 things are separate yet a lot of people see them as intertwined.  My last partner was able to see them as separate as well.  We were deeply emotionally connected, but we still could have time apart and have our own "spaces".  It didn't mean that we were any less connected than other couples.  

Thank you so much for that feedback, Mary.  We are on the same page with that understanding. 
Prior to this last relationship I had only been involved with very toxic partners who were insecure and jealous and suspicious of my every motivation. 
It amounted to character assasination of me over simple benign things.
Now, my last avoidant was more avoidant than me and the space was more than i liked but part of that was just down to the level of emotional availability and the space was just a symptom.  So, i agree there is a happy medium and it will depend on many factors and the dynamic of the relationship.

And yes, the concoctions! I have many funny stories about that.  imagine what could happen when two young girls discover that mulberries stain your skin dark purple.  Imagine what could happen.  😂

Madamebivary, thank you so much for moving the comment.
I am really happy that what we are sharing here among ourselves is helping people outside!
I am going to post in the DA question and answer forum soon and would love to engage further conversation there.

I think this can work really good this way! ❤️

tgat, I'm really glad you posted this question. It has clarified for me that the emotional connection is a separate issue for me than the time and space. I think I was on my way to this conclusion, but now it's more clear what I am looking for, so thank you!

This just struck me today as I was driving. We (or maybe just me) are compartmentalizing this forum. We talk here amongst ourselves, figure things out, and then completely fine answering questions or whatever in the other side of this forum. It must be just how my brain works.

The internal work i am doing here on this support forum is the most critical for me, and settling my own heart and mind around my own issues with the support of other avoidants is what makes me even able to go share in the Q&A...

this section here is about my own healing and recovery and the chalkboard illustration definitely fits how i felt before the shift on the forum.



This time here on this support forum is incredibly important to me as i really want to continue growing and healing.

Thanks so much for being here Mary!!! This has been one of the most helpful experiences for me!