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Post by goldilocks on Feb 11, 2018 10:48:14 GMT
You want some time and space just for you while still having that deep connection with your partner. I don't see it as a problem if it's a happy medium. I think there are many independent people out there that would be very happy with that. ... I think you have realized this already. You are looking for that person that will meet you with time and space needs, yet fulfill your emotional needs. I think these 2 things are separate yet a lot of people see them as intertwined. My last partner was able to see them as separate as well. We were deeply emotionally connected, but we still could have time apart and have our own "spaces". It didn't mean that we were any less connected than other couples. Deep emotional connection requires an open heart, but it does not require being joined at the hip. If a partner cannot experience deep connection without being together constantly, he is not very healthy. When conflating the two, a relationship could even exist of two people being together constantly, but not bringing their whole heart into the moment. Seems healthier to spend one day a week together being fully present and open hearted. |
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Post by goldilocks on Feb 11, 2018 11:13:26 GMT
I used to have seperate social circles and not want them to mix, but I am far more relaxed about it now.
Actually in childhood, I had very few friends at first, and later on was transforming so much that the old friends no longer fit me after a few years. I was also ashamed of my previous unhealthier self. Some friendships were also not very healthy. Each block of time was spend either mostly alone or with a friend or a few friends. I preferred one on one friendships to groups.
I'm still good friends with the friends I made in college when I started getting healthier. Although I have also grown a lot in the last decade, I am fully accepting of the woman I was back then.
I'm comfortable with my friends meeting each other, yet I don't surprise them with it. In turn, I'd also prefer to know if others are invited if I was to visit a friend.
I do keep my work friends mostly in the work sphere, because I want to remain professsional in my relationship with them and I want my private life to be protected from work stress. I guess I have a work sphere, an acquintance sphere, a family sphere and a general intimate sphere. When I know a person is safe and respectful of bounderies, I am happy to include in my general intimate sphere. At that point I am happy to introduce to my friends.
In a relationship, I
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Post by Deleted on Feb 11, 2018 14:22:43 GMT
You want some time and space just for you while still having that deep connection with your partner. I don't see it as a problem if it's a happy medium. I think there are many independent people out there that would be very happy with that. ... I think you have realized this already. You are looking for that person that will meet you with time and space needs, yet fulfill your emotional needs. I think these 2 things are separate yet a lot of people see them as intertwined. My last partner was able to see them as separate as well. We were deeply emotionally connected, but we still could have time apart and have our own "spaces". It didn't mean that we were any less connected than other couples. Deep emotional connection requires an open heart, but it does not require being joined at the hip. If a partner cannot experience deep connection without being together constantly, he is not very healthy. When conflating the two, a relationship could even exist of two people being together constantly, but not bringing their whole heart into the moment. Seems healthier to spend one day a week together being fully present and open hearted. goldilocks, this is as i see it. my ex DA and i saw each other once a week but during that time, were totally present together and it was all about taking care of and enjoying each other. Just being together, and doing some of the things we enjoyed. The level of physical and emotional intimacy was high. it was very meaningful time for both of us. And it was mutually chosen, mutually participated in, it was awesome. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 11, 2018 17:22:52 GMT
I used to have seperate social circles and not want them to mix, but I am far more relaxed about it now. Actually in childhood, I had very few friends at first, and later on was transforming so much that the old friends no longer fit me after a few years. I was also ashamed of my previous unhealthier self. Some friendships were also not very healthy. Each block of time was spend either mostly alone or with a friend or a few friends. I preferred one on one friendships to groups. I'm still good friends with the friends I made in college when I started getting healthier. Although I have also grown a lot in the last decade, I am fully accepting of the woman I was back then. I'm comfortable with my friends meeting each other, yet I don't surprise them with it. In turn, I'd also prefer to know if others are invited if I was to visit a friend. I do keep my work friends mostly in the work sphere, because I want to remain professsional in my relationship with them and I want my private life to be protected from work stress. I guess I have a work sphere, an acquintance sphere, a family sphere and a general intimate sphere. When I know a person is safe and respectful of bounderies, I am happy to include in my general intimate sphere. At that point I am happy to introduce to my friends. It's interesting that some of your friends no longer fit. I am a person that keeps friends forever (not so much boyfriends). Unless my friends do something completely outrageous, I remain friends, sometimes to my detriment. |
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Post by goldilocks on Feb 11, 2018 17:49:02 GMT
I'm really talking about the friends I had in high school, when I felt very unhappy and had poor social skills. I've kept all the good friends I have made in college, and we have all grown together. I've also moved to a different city, and most of my later friends are nearby. The ones back in my hometown have to be worth the investment of time and mutually willing to travel to me in order for the friendship to remain viable.
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Post by goldilocks on Feb 11, 2018 18:01:32 GMT
goldilocks, this is as i see it. my ex DA and i saw each other once a week but during that time, were totally present together and it was all about taking care of and enjoying each other. Just being together, and doing some of the things we enjoyed. The level of physical and emotional intimacy was high. it was very meaningful time for both of us. And it was mutually chosen, mutually participated in, it was awesome. That sounds lovely! I think the most important thing is being able to communicate how often you can be together in a whole hearted way. Then you only have to share the time you truly do want to share. Perhaps the opposite "Being together while the DA is checked out" results from a lack of ability or confidence to communicate needs or a lack of respect once communicated. In our society, the assumption is that once you live together, any alone time must be negotiated. An AP partner may even take the request as a rejection or insult. Then the DA partner will feel the need to steal alone time. If the AP forces the DA to be together physically, what option is left other than checking out? |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 11, 2018 18:41:44 GMT
AP/DA relationship is just pure toxin, and it only comes together during unawareness.
i never felt the need to check out with my avoidant partner lol. we were sympatico as far as we didn’t need the other to tell us we are ok and lovable and make us feel worthy.
we didn’t have opposite needs.
AP and DA are incompatible because of their opposite needs and it will be a stupid long torture session of being triggered and acting out on both sides.
that’s it in a nutshell as far as i can tell.
it’s pure shit. haha.
no partner is more wrong than the other it’s jist a ridiculous pairing.
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