lucy
New Member
Posts: 30 
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Post by lucy on Jan 30, 2018 22:34:53 GMT
My emotions are a constant jo-jo. Its like running on a treadmill and constantly being pushed back. Like stepping forward and getting pushed back all the time. Sometimes I can see how far I have already come. Some others I feel like im back at square one.
Ive done great progress over the last few years in becoming more secure. Certainly still have some AP tendencies though. Which my DA brings out very well.
We are currently (...good question...) 'semi-together' . He doesnt want to see anyone at the moment. But we arent just friends either. And he said he didnt want to be friends with benefits. Makes no sence right!?! He is much better, since we are only 'semi'. Texts me every day. Even has invited me over several times. Though the last 4months in our relationship it was always me taking the iniciative. Havent actually seen him in near 2 weeks, for several reasons. I think he wanted me to come over tonight, but he didnt state it clearly and I have too much pride nowadays to ask. Anyway. feeling low tonight, as I am frustrated with the whole situation and wish for a magic wand to make it all well. Tired of attachment styles and all that f@#/ . Just want him to come over and hold me. So so tired! I know i'll be a bit better again soon, just drained. It's like a game of Snake&Ladder. I do so well a lot of the time, and then some little thing will set me off and I am back down. Grrr
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Post by madamebovary on Jan 31, 2018 1:14:09 GMT
Ooooh, guuuurl... I feel you. I was just telling a friend that I’m swinging back and forth between crying over my DA relationship (I’m pretty sure I’m AP, definitely in THIS relationship that’s where I land) and wanting to never feel anything again and just “f*ck the pain away” (super healthy, I’m sure!).
My DA also does that wonderful thing where our relationship is: we hang out, we have sex, we sometimes text (although he can go days without communicating), we eat meals together and talk about the future BUT... he doesn’t call us anything. He says “special friend.” But when I point out that we’re really “fwb” or, sometimes when he’s very non-communicative, more like “f*ckbuddies”, he gets angry and says “that’s not fair, we’re so much more than that.” But... we aren’t. So let’s call a spade a spade.
We are NC right now and after over a week of anxiety and sadness, I’m swinging into something like I can feel myself walling off my feelings again, for self-protection. I know I’m still preoccupied though cause I’m thinking about him all the time. I’m just actively trying to NOT feel anything. Ugh... all I can offer is sympathy and hugs.
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lucy
New Member
Posts: 30
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Post by lucy on Jan 31, 2018 10:49:48 GMT
Thanks Madame,
Im feeling bit better this morning.
I am ok ish most of the time, and then something little will set me off, and I get very low. Yesterday it was when I heard his text message come through, and I instantly felt a sence of calm, that he had texted. Just that he had texted. Not even the context. I didnt even read it for another half an hour until I made myself finish a job first. It made me think though of how much I still need his contact to keep me calm despite all the hard work I have done.
Anyway, we are having food and a film tonight, so I can get myself a quick fix. I still dont know if this is worth fighting for or to run for the hills. So I tell myself to keep it easy and give it all time...and focus on myself and my future on my own in the mean time.
But its easier said than done...
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Post by madamebovary on Jan 31, 2018 14:35:22 GMT
Thanks Madame, Im feeling bit better this morning. I am ok ish most of the time, and then something little will set me off, and I get very low. Yesterday it was when I heard his text message come through, and I instantly felt a sence of calm, that he had texted. Just that he had texted. Not even the context. I didnt even read it for another half an hour until I made myself finish a job first. It made me think though of how much I still need his contact to keep me calm despite all the hard work I have done. Anyway, we are having food and a film tonight, so I can get myself a quick fix. I still dont know if this is worth fighting for or to run for the hills. So I tell myself to keep it easy and give it all time...and focus on myself and my future on my own in the mean time. But its easier said than done... Lucy, I would suggest, if I may, that while you’re working inward, If you’re still deciding on whether you want to keep doing this with him, keep things very breezy and light (which it sounds like you’re doing). I know it probably goes against everything you *want* to do. My sister recently called me an “intimacy junkie,” telling me I need to get my “fix” at all costs. When you said you were getting your “fix” tonight with film and food, I know exactly what you mean. For me, though, I was always pushing to know him more and on a deeper level (before I realized he was avoidant). When I did understand that’s what he was...it was more like being around a scared animal. I had to think “okay... don’t make any sudden moves that are gonna freak him out” meaning... don’t get too heavy, too committal, too intense. Until all of those things become more second nature to me, it IS like being an addict... going one day, one moment, at a time. The other thing I read, and now I can’t remeber where but I’ll try to find it, is that our urgent need to be reassured is like a child throwing a tantrum and it’s not their job to soothe us, it’s ours. So we need to learn some SELF-soothing in those moments. It doesn’t let the avoidant off the hook for their own behavior, but his work is his own, that part isn’t our job. Anyway... if you want to keep seeing him while you’re deciding if you can do this for the long haul (and I totally get that), just keep things light and breezy and watch for his cues as far as how comfortable he is... just like you would a frightened rabbit (which is what I used to say about my avoidant). Unfortunately, if you want to keep enjoying his company, you’ll probably have to move at his pace, as ours is usually too quick for them. If you ever want to commiserate about this, feel free. And as one of the other members told me, it’s better to come here and vent when you feel like you wanna text him a million times. Good luck! 🍀 |
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