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Post by Deleted on Jan 31, 2018 13:27:14 GMT
This thread is for avoidants to express what they value in a relationship and what they offer their partners in the relationship. We will easily expand this to what a relationship looks like in balance, from the avoidant (working to secure) perspective.
Here is a place to talk about your strengths and capacity for love as you understand love.
Thank you in advance to all avoidants who post here, and to those who support us by standing back to listen and let us really search this topic out amongst ourselves.
When the sun shines on a plant it grows, and when we put our awareness onto our best qualities, they grow also.
Thank you!
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Post by leavethelighton on Feb 18, 2018 0:43:38 GMT
I would say in relationships where I've been avoidant, I still had faith/hope in challenges improving, and the good being sustained. I also think it's helpful to recognize the way your avoidant-seeming partner does still show commitment, effort, love, etc. even if it isn't the way you want (ex: the acts they put into it even if they don't reciprocate your language). For example, when I've been in relationships--romantic or not-- where I was struggling to say the loving things the other person may have wanted, or where it's been hard to take the lead role in a physical aspect of a relationship-- I would still show my desire to maintain the relationship through other means like gestures, acts of labor, interest in shared time, and whatever other efforts I could give. And then it means a lot if the other person shows faith and hope too.
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Post by goldilocks on Feb 19, 2018 23:05:34 GMT
Currently, I test as more secure than avoidant yet still have some dismissive processes and habits that I am working on.
I am willing to be a noble champion for Love, to seek out beauty in someone's character and appreciate it.
(in my partner once I have found someone who is a match for me)
I can take good care of myself and many things are almost as easy to do for two as for one.
For example, I've decorated my apartment is a soothing and relaxing way. My friends feel like it is an oasis when I entertain at home and I am happy to share this with a lover.
I am always willing to learn and grow, even when others would have given up all hope.
For someone who has come from an avoidant place, I can spend quite a bit of time together. Two dates a week can be done if he lives nearby and we really like eachother. I have succesfully spent weeklong holidays with secure longterm boyfriends. That said, I feel like I am being suffocated at the thought of spending more than a few days with someone who has AP tendencies. It really depends on the person, but I do think that I could live with someone.
My empathy is well developed and I have good awareness of my internal processes. I'm also willing to offer suggestions about how to make it work with me. For example, having a day alone in the middle of a holiday. (I feel more attraction and desire after someone has been away.)
Random small acts of kindness are my specialty; writing a sweet card, bringing his favorite sweets. I enjoy cuddling and sex once in a relationship.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 19, 2018 23:52:02 GMT
Currently, I test as more secure than avoidant yet still have some dismissive processes and habits that I am working on. I am willing to be a noble champion for Love, to seek out beauty in someone's character and appreciate it. (in my partner once I have found someone who is a match for me) I can take good care of myself and many things are almost as easy to do for two as for one. For example, I've decorated my apartment is a soothing and relaxing way. My friends feel like it is an oasis when I entertain at home and I am happy to share this with a lover. I am always willing to learn and grow, even when others would have given up all hope. For someone who has come from an avoidant place, I can spend quite a bit of time together. Two dates a week can be done if he lives nearby and we really like eachother. I have succesfully spent weeklong holidays with secure longterm boyfriends. That said, I feel like I am being suffocated at the thought of spending more than a few days with someone who has AP tendencies. It really depends on the person, but I do think that I could live with someone. My empathy is well developed and I have good awareness of my internal processes. I'm also willing to offer suggestions about how to make it work with me. For example, having a day alone in the middle of a holiday. (I feel more attraction and desire after someone has been away.) Random small acts of kindness are my specialty; writing a sweet card, bringing his favorite sweets. I enjoy cuddling and sex once in a relationship. this touched me deeply. i would describe myself much the same way, i think you picked better words. i would add, for myself, that i truly believe that food cooked while pondering and reflecting on what i love and cherish about the person who will enjoy it, is good medicine, it really nourishes body and heart. so, i like to cook for people i love. i had to stop for many years because i was in deep pain but i am back, giving this from my heart.  maybe i will come up with my own way to describe what i have to offer. thank you for the inspiration! |
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Post by goldilocks on Feb 20, 2018 6:13:06 GMT
You are most welcome :-)
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