Post by joyfulone on Jun 24, 2016 18:37:08 GMT
I'm still wondering about a very strange breakup, and was searching for answers online when I came across this site & forum. So far it's been very helpful in giving me some perspective on things.
I have an anxious/preoccupied past, and over the years I've been working hard to become more grounded and confident in relationships and restrain myself from putting too much pressure on others. When I started this relationship, I was very open about that tendency, and explicitly asked - multiple times - that he tell me if I'm overstepping my bounds, even though I try to monitor myself very carefully on that front. Sometimes we all need a little feedback! He in turn mentioned that he had some past struggles with symptoms of AvPD (Avoidant Personality Disorder), which I didn't know much about at the time, but he seemed like he was coping well from my vantage point.
In any case, the first 2/3 of the relationship went swimmingly. We spent a lot of time together laughing and talking, and I never once felt insecure about the status of our relationship or our feelings for each other. I trusted him 100%, and tried to be open and honest with him in all things. He seemed to be doing the same. I made sure to communicate that I was open to constructive criticism/feedback and that I was open to renegotiating the relationship as things moved along.
I should mention that it was a long-distance relationship, since I had recently moved to England and he was back in America. We had been friends previously, so I trusted him as a person. He was actually the one to seek me out and flirt with me and then suggest we move the friendship forward. I should also mention that he was poly, and had a primary partner, and that I was also totally fine with this as long as we kept everything out in the open and discussed things plainly, which is essentially the cornerstone of any poly situation. His primary partner knew about me and approved of the situation.
The first red flag was when I went home for Christmas. I was spending all Christmas in a different state with family, but I looked at ticket prices and saw that it would be a quick, easy, inexpensive trip to go visit him for a couple days. He seemed to panic, telling me that he wasn't prepared for a visit and that, since he was having some financial issues, he'd be too stressed to really be good company. I respected that, with no hurt feelings, but looking back it probably should've made me wonder. We postponed our 'romantic meetup' until May, when I was planning on visiting America again.
The second red flag was when someone else - a mutual acquaintance - initiated a relationship with him, and he agreed...without telling me about it. I found out that they were dating via the mutual friend, and I was angry and upset that he hadn't been open with me about this. I spoke to my ex about it, and he told me that this mutual acquaintance had pressured him into dating and that he secretly didn't feel attracted to them, and that he had just 'forgotten' to tell me about the whole thing. He seemed so contrite that I believed him, because everyone makes mistakes, right? So I forgave him and we moved on and forgot about it. But those were the only two problems I noticed - other than that, we never argued or had any disagreements.
A month or so later, however, he very suddenly disappeared. Knowing that I needed to give him space and not let my anxiety dictate my reactions, I sent him only a few messages over the span of two months, asking him if he was alright and requesting that he please attempt to communicate every so often, just to keep things healthy and alive. He declined, and refused to communicate unless his primary partner literally forced him. Finally, he sent me a short note saying that the relationship was over, and then disappeared again. I sent him only a couple more messages over the span of three months, simply asking for some kind of explanation/closure, which he ignored.
Anyway, I finally heard something from him this week, simply because he was furious that I had written something about the relationship on my blog (while mentioning zero names). He reprimanded me for not simply 'moving on,' and accused me of 'playing the victim' and smothering him. He further told me that he didn't have to explain anything to me, but that if I really wanted an explanation, the reason he had totally pulled a disappearing act was because he was afraid to face my 'emotional dependence' on him. He told me that he was afraid that if he'd been open with me, I would have accused him of treating me poorly and assigning the full blame to him, so he avoided that by...treating me poorly. In fact, he fully admitted that he'd hoped that his bad treatment would 'make me hate him,' and that I would leave him and never look back.
So, is he a Dismissive-Avoidant, suffering from AvPD, just a jerk...or possibly a combination? Is common for this type of person to be externally committed and agreeable for months on end, only to suddenly do a 180? Part of me wants to agree with him and blame myself, but when I step back and look at my reactions objectively, I was more than patient and willing to work with him, and I'd like to think that I handled my anxious/preoccupied tendencies well. Is there any hope for him ever acknowledging that he messed up without blaming me in the same breath?
I have an anxious/preoccupied past, and over the years I've been working hard to become more grounded and confident in relationships and restrain myself from putting too much pressure on others. When I started this relationship, I was very open about that tendency, and explicitly asked - multiple times - that he tell me if I'm overstepping my bounds, even though I try to monitor myself very carefully on that front. Sometimes we all need a little feedback! He in turn mentioned that he had some past struggles with symptoms of AvPD (Avoidant Personality Disorder), which I didn't know much about at the time, but he seemed like he was coping well from my vantage point.
In any case, the first 2/3 of the relationship went swimmingly. We spent a lot of time together laughing and talking, and I never once felt insecure about the status of our relationship or our feelings for each other. I trusted him 100%, and tried to be open and honest with him in all things. He seemed to be doing the same. I made sure to communicate that I was open to constructive criticism/feedback and that I was open to renegotiating the relationship as things moved along.
I should mention that it was a long-distance relationship, since I had recently moved to England and he was back in America. We had been friends previously, so I trusted him as a person. He was actually the one to seek me out and flirt with me and then suggest we move the friendship forward. I should also mention that he was poly, and had a primary partner, and that I was also totally fine with this as long as we kept everything out in the open and discussed things plainly, which is essentially the cornerstone of any poly situation. His primary partner knew about me and approved of the situation.
The first red flag was when I went home for Christmas. I was spending all Christmas in a different state with family, but I looked at ticket prices and saw that it would be a quick, easy, inexpensive trip to go visit him for a couple days. He seemed to panic, telling me that he wasn't prepared for a visit and that, since he was having some financial issues, he'd be too stressed to really be good company. I respected that, with no hurt feelings, but looking back it probably should've made me wonder. We postponed our 'romantic meetup' until May, when I was planning on visiting America again.
The second red flag was when someone else - a mutual acquaintance - initiated a relationship with him, and he agreed...without telling me about it. I found out that they were dating via the mutual friend, and I was angry and upset that he hadn't been open with me about this. I spoke to my ex about it, and he told me that this mutual acquaintance had pressured him into dating and that he secretly didn't feel attracted to them, and that he had just 'forgotten' to tell me about the whole thing. He seemed so contrite that I believed him, because everyone makes mistakes, right? So I forgave him and we moved on and forgot about it. But those were the only two problems I noticed - other than that, we never argued or had any disagreements.
A month or so later, however, he very suddenly disappeared. Knowing that I needed to give him space and not let my anxiety dictate my reactions, I sent him only a few messages over the span of two months, asking him if he was alright and requesting that he please attempt to communicate every so often, just to keep things healthy and alive. He declined, and refused to communicate unless his primary partner literally forced him. Finally, he sent me a short note saying that the relationship was over, and then disappeared again. I sent him only a couple more messages over the span of three months, simply asking for some kind of explanation/closure, which he ignored.
Anyway, I finally heard something from him this week, simply because he was furious that I had written something about the relationship on my blog (while mentioning zero names). He reprimanded me for not simply 'moving on,' and accused me of 'playing the victim' and smothering him. He further told me that he didn't have to explain anything to me, but that if I really wanted an explanation, the reason he had totally pulled a disappearing act was because he was afraid to face my 'emotional dependence' on him. He told me that he was afraid that if he'd been open with me, I would have accused him of treating me poorly and assigning the full blame to him, so he avoided that by...treating me poorly. In fact, he fully admitted that he'd hoped that his bad treatment would 'make me hate him,' and that I would leave him and never look back.
So, is he a Dismissive-Avoidant, suffering from AvPD, just a jerk...or possibly a combination? Is common for this type of person to be externally committed and agreeable for months on end, only to suddenly do a 180? Part of me wants to agree with him and blame myself, but when I step back and look at my reactions objectively, I was more than patient and willing to work with him, and I'd like to think that I handled my anxious/preoccupied tendencies well. Is there any hope for him ever acknowledging that he messed up without blaming me in the same breath?