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Post by BreakingTheSpell on Feb 3, 2018 9:10:02 GMT
My avoidant side needs this alone time, else I get overwhelmed. Interestingly, it doesnt happen with romantic partners, but with family members when we find each other under the same roof for a prolonged period of time. I was involved in a LDR with an avoidant man, with whom I couldn't talk more than 10 minutes on the phone during the evenings, because I was "invading or depriving him of his daily alone time". Even though we were not in the same city most of the month, he still needed his entire evening to be alone... It sounded ridiculous because I didn't understand what the heck he did during his alone time, and being fearful myself I started suspecting he had an affair. Today, I dont think that was the case. It is still difficult to understand how he could spend hours and hours in a social gathering and be fine with it, but no one-on-one interaction on the phone. I guess the answer is about the level of intimacy. I started this thread because I found an article on this topic, which I leave here: www.mishpaha.org.il/kvatzim/pdf/Tatkin-Addiction-to-Alone-Time.pdfThe article also includes personality disorders, NPD, APD, so take it with a grain of salt. The author has been mentioned frequently on this forum, he authored the books Wired for love, etc. If it helps you understand why you need your alone time so much, this awareness is another step closer to being more secure. DAs styles are as needy of their alone time, as APs are needy of closeness. We are all needy at the end of the day. |
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Post by ocarina on Feb 3, 2018 10:11:41 GMT
Thank you for sharing this - one of the most interesting things I have read about my own style of romantic attachment for a long time! I have the childhood background that many avoidants share but the added complication of being quite possibly somewhere along the autistic spectrum - I have two autistic children and have always been somewhat unusual. I now find it difficult to separate my need for alone time which is as a result of ASD with avoidant need for alone time.To save tying myself in knots about it I am learning to just sit with the urges more and recognise the feelings and then decide whether or not to act. In my younger days the urge was so strong that I would pretty much just act on flight or fight impulse and exit the building.
It's also interesting that the author shares ideas about ADD sharing similar neural pathways to avoidant behaviours - I recognise that in a form of zoning out which almost involves conscious disengagement when conflict or anything else uncomfortable gets in the way of my usually pleasant and calm internal state. This used to drive my mother mad when as a child I failed to react to her furious outbursts.
I wonder how much the whys of all this matter in the end? Maybe it's good to know there is a reason and then go on to examine the behaviours and learn to effectively rewire from here.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 3, 2018 14:55:14 GMT
It's definitely interesting. Thank you for posting it.
I wouldn't say I am addicted to alone time, but I definitely need it. For me , understanding the whys has helped me tremendously. Being so oblivious in the past, it helps me get more in touch with my own needs and feelings. It's a process either way.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 3, 2018 15:03:36 GMT
Interesting, i wouldn’t use the word addicted at all for my enjoyment of alone time.
My chosen vocation brings me in very close physical and emotional contact with people, and i am still raising kids at home, so i believe my alone time is a critical and healthy balance for those engaging situations.
i know i don’t want to change it, it totally works for me.
It’s more important for me to focus on what’s going on between my ears whether alone or engaging and make sure i’m in a healthy place there.
Thanks for sharing!
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Post by yasmin on Feb 3, 2018 19:57:33 GMT
I find it extremely difficult to cope without long periods of isolation. Even with friends and family. I was like this as a child.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 5, 2018 18:28:40 GMT
I wouldn't say addicted, it's more of a fundamental need, to recharge, to get in touch with myself, to have my own space.
I think this need arises due to the abusive stepmother constantly coming at me, as well as the abusive behavior from the ex NPD spouse who couldn't "connect" with me except in a negative way. I felt so much relief just being away from those two persons constantly judging, criticizing and intruding in an aggressive and abusive manner into my life that I started to prefer my own company.
I've heard of spouses who feel completely at ease with each other such that they can enjoy companionable silence in the same space. I would love to experience that one day, to be with another peaceful contented presence.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 5, 2018 19:46:49 GMT
I wouldn't say addicted, it's more of a fundamental need, to recharge, to get in touch with myself, to have my own space. I think this need arises due to the abusive stepmother constantly coming at me, as well as the abusive behavior from the ex NPD spouse who couldn't "connect" with me except in a negative way. I felt so much relief just being away from those two persons constantly judging, criticizing and intruding in an aggressive and abusive manner into my life that I started to prefer my own company. I've heard of spouses who feel completely at ease with each other such that they can enjoy companionable silence in the same space. I would love to experience that one day, to be with another peaceful contented presence. this is how my ex DA and i were together and it was bliss. |
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Post by yasmin on Feb 5, 2018 20:20:44 GMT
I felt that with my ex FA too. His presence was so unobtrusive I felt very relaxed and "home" when I was with him. It really brought out the peaceful side of me being around him.
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Post by ocarina on Feb 5, 2018 21:09:46 GMT
I wouldn't say addicted, it's more of a fundamental need, to recharge, to get in touch with myself, to have my own space. I think this need arises due to the abusive stepmother constantly coming at me, as well as the abusive behavior from the ex NPD spouse who couldn't "connect" with me except in a negative way. I felt so much relief just being away from those two persons constantly judging, criticizing and intruding in an aggressive and abusive manner into my life that I started to prefer my own company. I've heard of spouses who feel completely at ease with each other such that they can enjoy companionable silence in the same space. I would love to experience that one day, to be with another peaceful contented presence. Absolutely my ex and I - we were so incredibly peaceful together - such a relief to find and I still miss this part of our relationship. The difficulties really came when we were apart and the extreme lack of contact/ last minute arrangements which broke the peace so to speak. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 5, 2018 21:12:11 GMT
I wouldn't say addicted, it's more of a fundamental need, to recharge, to get in touch with myself, to have my own space. I think this need arises due to the abusive stepmother constantly coming at me, as well as the abusive behavior from the ex NPD spouse who couldn't "connect" with me except in a negative way. I felt so much relief just being away from those two persons constantly judging, criticizing and intruding in an aggressive and abusive manner into my life that I started to prefer my own company. I've heard of spouses who feel completely at ease with each other such that they can enjoy companionable silence in the same space. I would love to experience that one day, to be with another peaceful contented presence. Absolutely my ex and I - we were so incredibly peaceful together - such a relief to find and I still miss this part of our relationship. The difficulties really came when we were apart and the extreme lack of contact/ last minute arrangements which broke the peace so to speak. that’s where we broke down as well. My ex was more extremely avoidant and i have moved into a different place in my life and like a better balance. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 5, 2018 21:36:33 GMT
Oh that's so wonderful, I can't really remember this type of companionable silence, except for occasional outings with a boyfriend who seemed secure, from a long time ago.
I think it's perfect to feel relaxed just BEING, with both at ease near each other, say reading together, preferably in a lovely garden or next to a lake or river. This is honestly my dream lazy afternoon.
With exDA it was very nervous - he would seem like he needed to take care of a lot of things, to be alone, and I didn't know what to do while hanging out. I actually just needed a good book or my laptop with me, hmmm...
I think having lived a lot of my life dealing with NPDs really forced me very much into my interior world, to the point where I became introverted. It isn't a natural state for me, as I can party, laugh and joke hard with those I love and trust.
I have no idea why I'm a magnet for NPDs. I was reading Ross Rosenberg's Human Magnet, but it still doesn't offer a clear answer even though the part about growing up with abusive family members is spot on. It could be that the normal healthy sorts would feel instantly uncomfortable with NPDs and keep a distance, while I am open and welcoming of their charms and initial warmth, and the NPD behavior feels "familiar". All I can do is to try to better hone my red flags spotting skills. For example, watch out for people who say "I don't care!" alot. I mistook that to be a fun, carefree attitude, but in fact they really don't care about anything except that which concerns them. With each new disappointment, I become even more cautious and avoidant, I fear!
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Post by goldilocks on Feb 10, 2018 18:09:05 GMT
I need alone time to process my feelings, organise my thought and recharge. It's a normal need as long as it is no impediment to having an active social life.
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