Post by nic on Feb 3, 2018 16:08:16 GMT
I love connecting with people on the surface. Im very social,relatively successful, good looking and fun to be with. Im the social butterfly at a party and make friends easily. I connect on the surface and appear to have it together. And I do..as long as nobody is too reliant on my emotions. So I really don't.. Ive had my share of OK relationships and toxic ones too. Im always the breaker-upper. Before I get into my current situation I want to mention my previous relationship of one year. I had THE most amazing man in my life. Nurturing, considerate, confidant, successful and so supportive and loving. I would cry to myself because the feelings were at times so deep I couldnt handle them. I broke up with him. The real reason this lasted so long is that he put no expectations on me. I did not invite him to gatherings with my friends or infuse him in my life but I'd spend weekends with him and go to all his gatherings. I found a reason (i wasnt attracted to him) and left. I did not tell him this of course. I told him there was something missing that I couldn't put my finger on.
Fast forward.. A guy I work with once a week had been flirting and trying to get me to hang out for the past 2 years, one of which I was in a relationship. I was friendly but didnt even see him as a love interest. Until one day I did.. I guess being single again helped. He said he didnt want anything serious and I didnt know what I wanted either so what the hell. It's been over a year now with this man on and off, back and forth and going absolutely nowhere. He still doesnt want a relationship and to be honest if he did, he doesnt do the things that would keep me happy anyway, yet Im hooked! He fills my head with so much BS by telling me (not showing me) how much he loves me. He does things that make it appear like we are together like kissing me if we are at a get together (although its been a while) or posting a picture of us to Snapchat. He has such a big group of friends he hangs out with and im never included any more. If we're on, i see him once a week usually at his house for an intimate night where he professes his love and admits he needs to stop pushing me away and make me his girlfriend, with no prodding by me. Then a week goes by with barely any communication until the cycle begins again. He tells me there is no one else and there is no evidence of anyone else but its hard to believe since he doesnt want a commitment. Ive left things of mine like jewelry and its always still there on the nightstand the next time i return unhidden. I have left so many times i dont even believe myself anymore when I say I'm done. The last time was a few weeks ago. I felt strong enough to stick with it and twoo weeks later his father landed in the hospital in a coma and he used that to tell me he needed me by his side. He did cry so I guess it was legit but here I am again. And here we are again. Its been a week and last night he had a get together with coworkers. Instead of inviting myself I wanted to see if he woul invite me. My response to what he was doing was "sounds like fun!" To that he gave no response. A couple hours later I prodded with "I was waiting for my invite". A couple hours after that his response was "you don't need an invite". Which would have been a GREAT response hours ago. But now its 11 pm... So I could have showed up. But I was annoyed that he didn't think of me to begin with. My biggest problem with our non-relationship relationship Is that I don't feel like he considers me or includes me in his life the way I want to be. We are not in a relationship. But it's been over a year and to me he IS my guy. Part of the madness is I LIKE that we have distance. He doesnt demand much from me. But this is too much distance and too much push/pull and I find the only relaxed moment I have are when we have our once a week together.
My whole point is that he is treating me the way that I usually treat relationships. And now I have become this anxious-attached person that cant walk away!! He has no idea of the anxiety and the amount of talking down I have to do to myself to not let this crazy out of control person that I feel like inside come out. I am always cool calm and collective. But right now and for the past year I am anything but. I want to get away because it hurts to love someone like this. Yet I love someone like this! I can't even tell you why. It sounds so crazy but I believe that he loves me..i feel it when we are together. When I leave he becomes anxious and tells me he cant be without me yet he can't do anything to sustain it. I want to move on. I don't even need a guy in my life. Ive ever been that type to need a guy. But I can't get this dude out of my head! I just want peace. And I want him to disappear from my brain. Boy have the tables turned on me! Is there any advice on letting go of this attachment? I recognize that I need to work on myself. But I can't even do that until I get him out of my head.
Fast forward.. A guy I work with once a week had been flirting and trying to get me to hang out for the past 2 years, one of which I was in a relationship. I was friendly but didnt even see him as a love interest. Until one day I did.. I guess being single again helped. He said he didnt want anything serious and I didnt know what I wanted either so what the hell. It's been over a year now with this man on and off, back and forth and going absolutely nowhere. He still doesnt want a relationship and to be honest if he did, he doesnt do the things that would keep me happy anyway, yet Im hooked! He fills my head with so much BS by telling me (not showing me) how much he loves me. He does things that make it appear like we are together like kissing me if we are at a get together (although its been a while) or posting a picture of us to Snapchat. He has such a big group of friends he hangs out with and im never included any more. If we're on, i see him once a week usually at his house for an intimate night where he professes his love and admits he needs to stop pushing me away and make me his girlfriend, with no prodding by me. Then a week goes by with barely any communication until the cycle begins again. He tells me there is no one else and there is no evidence of anyone else but its hard to believe since he doesnt want a commitment. Ive left things of mine like jewelry and its always still there on the nightstand the next time i return unhidden. I have left so many times i dont even believe myself anymore when I say I'm done. The last time was a few weeks ago. I felt strong enough to stick with it and twoo weeks later his father landed in the hospital in a coma and he used that to tell me he needed me by his side. He did cry so I guess it was legit but here I am again. And here we are again. Its been a week and last night he had a get together with coworkers. Instead of inviting myself I wanted to see if he woul invite me. My response to what he was doing was "sounds like fun!" To that he gave no response. A couple hours later I prodded with "I was waiting for my invite". A couple hours after that his response was "you don't need an invite". Which would have been a GREAT response hours ago. But now its 11 pm... So I could have showed up. But I was annoyed that he didn't think of me to begin with. My biggest problem with our non-relationship relationship Is that I don't feel like he considers me or includes me in his life the way I want to be. We are not in a relationship. But it's been over a year and to me he IS my guy. Part of the madness is I LIKE that we have distance. He doesnt demand much from me. But this is too much distance and too much push/pull and I find the only relaxed moment I have are when we have our once a week together.
My whole point is that he is treating me the way that I usually treat relationships. And now I have become this anxious-attached person that cant walk away!! He has no idea of the anxiety and the amount of talking down I have to do to myself to not let this crazy out of control person that I feel like inside come out. I am always cool calm and collective. But right now and for the past year I am anything but. I want to get away because it hurts to love someone like this. Yet I love someone like this! I can't even tell you why. It sounds so crazy but I believe that he loves me..i feel it when we are together. When I leave he becomes anxious and tells me he cant be without me yet he can't do anything to sustain it. I want to move on. I don't even need a guy in my life. Ive ever been that type to need a guy. But I can't get this dude out of my head! I just want peace. And I want him to disappear from my brain. Boy have the tables turned on me! Is there any advice on letting go of this attachment? I recognize that I need to work on myself. But I can't even do that until I get him out of my head.
