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Post by ocarina on Feb 4, 2018 9:40:02 GMT
Again I am not sure if this is particularly an FA thing, but it's something that has been a real handicap in a bizarre way over the years. I am able to give people what they want in a relationship - and be their very own perfect woman - it wins admiration but it blocks real intimacy - in that I very rarely feel that my partner ses the real me, instead they fall for an image of me which I then can't let go of.
This is something I have unconsciously practiced so much over the years that i find it very very difficult to let go of the behaviour - it's exhausting and not authentic and means I end up feeling unloved - or at least my real self feels unloved.
Has anyone else experienced this and how do I deal with it?
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Post by BreakingTheSpell on Feb 4, 2018 12:39:25 GMT
I dont know if it is a particularly FA thing or not, but I have experienced it too, and I am FA. It's actually the story of my life.
I seem to sweep guys off their feet with many attributes, they admire me, and then I need to keep that image somehow. But that is not me, the real me has injuries and needs, which I never show during the courting phase. I put myself under pressure to look like the perfect woman, it drains my energy. The longer the relationship, the more energy it drains. At some point, my real self starts showing and guys cannot understand what is suddenly "wrong" with me.
I didnt know until recently that it is the consequence of my attachment injury, that I am actually not flawed, that it is not irreversible. So, ever since I noticed, I deal with it by showing my true colors from scratch. Those who want to remain close, can do so, those who dont like the true me, can walk out the door. I must say I am a bit isolated since I took that attitude. Seems that, for some people, you need to show availability and care and interest constantly, else you are forgotten. I wont do it out of pressure not to be rejected or forgotten. I only care about the people I feel like caring.
Not saying this is the magic solution, but this is how I am dealing with it at the moment.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 4, 2018 12:45:15 GMT
I dont know if it is a particularly FA thing or not, but I have experienced it too, and I am FA. It's actually the story of my life. I seem to sweep guys off their feet with many attributes, they admire me, and then I need to keep that image somehow. But that is not me, the real me has injuries and needs, which I never show during the courting phase. I put myself under pressure to look like the perfect woman, it drains my energy. The longer the relationship, the more energy it drains. At some point, my real self starts showing and guys cannot understand what is suddenly "wrong" with me. I didnt know until recently that it is the consequence of my attachment injury, that I am actually not flawed, that it is not irreversible. So, ever since I noticed, I deal with it by showing my true colors from scratch. Those who want to remain close, can do so, those who dont like the true me, can walk out the door. I must say I am a bit isolated since I took that attitude. Seems that, for some people, you need to show availability and care and interest constantly, else you are forgotten. I wont do it out of pressure not to be rejected or forgotten. I only care about the people I feel like caring. Not saying this is the magic solution, but this is how I am dealing with it at the moment. hehe, i see this issue as i do make up - i don't really like wearing make up because i don't want my dates to actually think i look a particular way and then get shocked when i wash my face! i don't want them to be shocked when they wake up the next day (and then blame me for it)! If they want the best sides of me, they should be able to take me bare-faced and unadorned.  |
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Post by yasmin on Feb 4, 2018 13:41:36 GMT
Yes, this is the story of my life also. I have said these exact words to friends so many times and it's very hard to escape the trap of it. for me it has been a lifelong pattern and then when all is said and done you don't feel very loved at all.
I think it's a kind of avoidance. The person you are allowing into the relationship is not the real you, only parts of the real you. I am not sure it's even for validation (because that's not real) but more to keep some kind of distance and to only love within the framework of a fantasy. It's like acting out a soap opera where your risk is diminished.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 4, 2018 14:36:00 GMT
this is a wonderful thread. i have experienced something very similar, with perhaps different needs as a DA but believe it or not, DAs can be people pleasers and it really does block intimacy and authenticity. Part of my tremendous growth in my last relationship was getting real with myself and my partner about that. it actually brought us closer, and was a big leap in becoming secure, for me. As he and i are continuing to interact and share a little bit about our individual processes, it helps him be more authentic also . He has a big problem with people pleasing. If he and i do get to a place of healthy reconciliation it would be a really amazing match haha! Thank you for sharing your insightful selves  |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 4, 2018 14:37:15 GMT
Yes, this is the story of my life also. I have said these exact words to friends so many times and it's very hard to escape the trap of it. for me it has been a lifelong pattern and then when all is said and done you don't feel very loved at all. I think it's a kind of avoidance. The person you are allowing into the relationship is not the real you, only parts of the real you. I am not sure it's even for validation (because that's not real) but more to keep some kind of distance and to only love within the framework of a fantasy. It's like acting out a soap opera where your risk is diminished. this last paragraph is spot on for me yasmin |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 4, 2018 15:28:38 GMT
For me, the not having needs, is very real to me, since I'm not in touch with myself. Its' "I don't care if you like me, because I don't need you". But I block intimacy by not talking about myself a whole lot. I steer the conversation towards the other person. My conscious mind tells me I don't want a relationship, so if I lose him along the way, I think I am better off. I too, feel that people don't see the real me, but I feel like I am being my real self, just not revealing a whole lot until much much later.
Oddly, I had a lot of admirers as well, but because I was the one that was "hard to get", I avoid conflict and I'm a good listener. I can listen to other people's problems for hours and never talk about my own. Somehow, these are seen as good things rather than blocking intimacy (which they actually are). I think I actually got validation for being avoidant, so I didn't know I had a problem.
Is it that you are not being your real self or is it just not revealing parts of you? Or maybe it's the same thing?
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Post by yasmin on Feb 4, 2018 16:08:01 GMT
For me, the not having needs, is very real to me, since I'm not in touch with myself. Its' "I don't care if you like me, because I don't need you". But I block intimacy by not talking about myself a whole lot. I steer the conversation towards the other person. My conscious mind tells me I don't want a relationship, so if I lose him along the way, I think I am better off. I too, feel that people don't see the real me, but I feel like I am being my real self, just not revealing a whole lot until much much later. Oddly, I had a lot of admirers as well, but because I was the one that was "hard to get", I avoid conflict and I'm a good listener. I can listen to other people's problems for hours and never talk about my own. Somehow, these are seen as good things rather than blocking intimacy (which they actually are). I think I actually got validation for being avoidant, so I didn't know I had a problem. Is it that you are not being your real self or is it just not revealing parts of you? Or maybe it's the same thing? How true, because some avoidant characteristics can be perceived as very attractive. For example: Men often tell me they love that I am patient and don't scream and shout or chase them like other women. They think this is "chilled" and a sign I have my shit together. Really it's just me being unwilling to show my tears to anyone - which is a very avoidant behavior and a hiding of my deepest self and emotions within a situation that has very much hurt me. A kind of conflict avoidance because I pretend there isn't a conflict! Inside someone can have ripped my heart out, but I won't show them or even communicate it. I will just quietly mark it down as a sign that they are someone who is going to hurt me and I disengage my heart. These conversations have been so good for me in the way that they have helped me flip my seemingly positive characteristics and see them as the defence mechanisms that they are. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 4, 2018 16:44:32 GMT
For me, the not having needs, is very real to me, since I'm not in touch with myself. Its' "I don't care if you like me, because I don't need you". But I block intimacy by not talking about myself a whole lot. I steer the conversation towards the other person. My conscious mind tells me I don't want a relationship, so if I lose him along the way, I think I am better off. I too, feel that people don't see the real me, but I feel like I am being my real self, just not revealing a whole lot until much much later. Oddly, I had a lot of admirers as well, but because I was the one that was "hard to get", I avoid conflict and I'm a good listener. I can listen to other people's problems for hours and never talk about my own. Somehow, these are seen as good things rather than blocking intimacy (which they actually are). I think I actually got validation for being avoidant, so I didn't know I had a problem. Is it that you are not being your real self or is it just not revealing parts of you? Or maybe it's the same thing? How true, because some avoidant characteristics can be perceived as very attractive. For example: Men often tell me they love that I am patient and don't scream and shout or chase them like other women. They think this is "chilled" and a sign I have my shit together. Really it's just me being unwilling to show my tears to anyone - which is a very avoidant behavior and a hiding of my deepest self and emotions within a situation that has very much hurt me. A kind of conflict avoidance because I pretend there isn't a conflict! Inside someone can have ripped my heart out, but I won't show them or even communicate it. I will just quietly mark it down as a sign that they are someone who is going to hurt me and I disengage my heart. These conversations have been so good for me in the way that they have helped me flip my seemingly positive characteristics and see them as the defence mechanisms that they are. Do you consciously know that you are hurt ? The problem for me is I am so out of touch that I don't even know that I am hurt. It has to be so over the top before I feel it. I think this "armor" is what makes me DA. In my 20s, I thought they were good characteristics. In my 30s, I started realizing I had a problem. Now I am really working to realize more and change them. These discussions have really made me think on things and I appreciate them so much. |
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Post by ocarina on Feb 4, 2018 18:20:19 GMT
For me, the not having needs, is very real to me, since I'm not in touch with myself. Its' "I don't care if you like me, because I don't need you". But I block intimacy by not talking about myself a whole lot. I steer the conversation towards the other person. My conscious mind tells me I don't want a relationship, so if I lose him along the way, I think I am better off. I too, feel that people don't see the real me, but I feel like I am being my real self, just not revealing a whole lot until much much later. Oddly, I had a lot of admirers as well, but because I was the one that was "hard to get", I avoid conflict and I'm a good listener. I can listen to other people's problems for hours and never talk about my own. Somehow, these are seen as good things rather than blocking intimacy (which they actually are). I think I actually got validation for being avoidant, so I didn't know I had a problem. Is it that you are not being your real self or is it just not revealing parts of you? Or maybe it's the same thing? Absolutely me too -not having needs is much safer. Avoiding conflict isn't healthy but it seems to be attractive to partners especially those who are also conflict avoidant. For me I think it's not revealing parts of myself rather than not being myself although there is some overlap. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 4, 2018 18:26:08 GMT
For me, the not having needs, is very real to me, since I'm not in touch with myself. Its' "I don't care if you like me, because I don't need you". But I block intimacy by not talking about myself a whole lot. I steer the conversation towards the other person. My conscious mind tells me I don't want a relationship, so if I lose him along the way, I think I am better off. I too, feel that people don't see the real me, but I feel like I am being my real self, just not revealing a whole lot until much much later. Oddly, I had a lot of admirers as well, but because I was the one that was "hard to get", I avoid conflict and I'm a good listener. I can listen to other people's problems for hours and never talk about my own. Somehow, these are seen as good things rather than blocking intimacy (which they actually are). I think I actually got validation for being avoidant, so I didn't know I had a problem. Is it that you are not being your real self or is it just not revealing parts of you? Or maybe it's the same thing? Absolutely me too -not having needs is much safer. Avoiding conflict isn't healthy but it seems to be attractive to partners especially those who are also conflict avoidant. For me I think it's not revealing parts of myself rather than not being myself although there is some overlap. i was just thinking almost exactly this. for me it’s not about validation it’s been about avoiding conflict. but as i got more emotionally available i became less tolerant of this in myself, and started being more authentic. Turns out, for me and my partner, i was creating conflict in myself and changing the external behaviors didnt creat conflict it seemed to make us closer. |
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Post by ocarina on Feb 4, 2018 18:26:10 GMT
How true, because some avoidant characteristics can be perceived as very attractive. For example: Men often tell me they love that I am patient and don't scream and shout or chase them like other women. They think this is "chilled" and a sign I have my shit together. Really it's just me being unwilling to show my tears to anyone - which is a very avoidant behavior and a hiding of my deepest self and emotions within a situation that has very much hurt me. A kind of conflict avoidance because I pretend there isn't a conflict! Inside someone can have ripped my heart out, but I won't show them or even communicate it. I will just quietly mark it down as a sign that they are someone who is going to hurt me and I disengage my heart. These conversations have been so good for me in the way that they have helped me flip my seemingly positive characteristics and see them as the defence mechanisms that they are. Do you consciously know that you are hurt ? The problem for me is I am so out of touch that I don't even know that I am hurt. It has to be so over the top before I feel it. I think this "armor" is what makes me DA. In my 20s, I thought they were good characteristics. In my 30s, I started realizing I had a problem. Now I am really working to realize more and change them. These discussions have really made me think on things and I appreciate them so much. Yet again Yasmin this is me - the world can be falling around me and I will continue to appear calm and collected. Men love that I come with no drama and I can internally talk my way out of emotional turmoil and appear to be cool with just everything. Outwardly cool but inwardly often just plain numb. I like that i am rational and live life with a degree of equanimity but there is a balance to be had when I purposefully tune out and ignore pain and pretend to myself that I can deal with everything and anything. It blocks intimacy by not allowing others to support or to really see how their actions have hurt me. It also, i believe, has led me to store pain internally which resurfaces inevitably. I occasionally find myself becoming very emotional some time after the event sometimes in response to some tiny trigger. It's very peculiar. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 4, 2018 18:32:40 GMT
Do you consciously know that you are hurt ? The problem for me is I am so out of touch that I don't even know that I am hurt. It has to be so over the top before I feel it. I think this "armor" is what makes me DA. In my 20s, I thought they were good characteristics. In my 30s, I started realizing I had a problem. Now I am really working to realize more and change them. These discussions have really made me think on things and I appreciate them so much. Yet again Yasmin this is me - the world can be falling around me and I will continue to appear calm and collected. Men love that I come with no drama and I can internally talk my way out of emotional turmoil and appear to be cool with just everything. Outwardly cool but inwardly often just plain numb. I like that i am rational and live life with a degree of equanimity but there is a balance to be had when I purposefully tune out and ignore pain and pretend to myself that I can deal with everything and anything. It blocks intimacy by not allowing others to support or to really see how their actions have hurt me. It also, i believe, has led me to store pain internally which resurfaces inevitably. I occasionally find myself becoming very emotional some time after the event sometimes in response to some tiny trigger. It's very peculiar. i’ve been practicing buddhist styles of mindful meditation and insight meditation for about 4 years and not only was it the ticket out of severe PTSD, it has made me able to be much more in touch with a broader awareness that does allow for being very present emotionally and calm as well. Because i don’t have specific outcomes in mind for my peace or contentment. It is a view of equanimity, which for me doesn’t mean total detachment to the events or people, it means detachment from an expectation or outcome. My ex did tell me that i was one of the calmest people he ever met, but for me this came through the practice of being mindful and present and not checking out. It’s a big part of my daily practice of self care to tune in to myself and the people around me. |
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Post by ocarina on Feb 4, 2018 19:16:44 GMT
I am a longterm meditator and Buddhist and it has also helped me immensely although I think there is also a danger that the detachment which meditation brings can be used by someone with avoidant tendencies to basically zone out of the emotional realm - the ability to observe and let it pass through without getting caught up and acceptance of things as they are has led me to tolerate things that were not acceptable rather than remove myself from the situation. Again it's part of the "I can deal with everything" syndrome which shows up in my life alot.
My ex partner learnt to meditate while we were together and he too found it life changing - that and yoga which I love.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 4, 2018 20:33:59 GMT
I am a longterm meditator and Buddhist and it has also helped me immensely although I think there is also a danger that the detachment which meditation brings can be used by someone with avoidant tendencies to basically zone out of the emotional realm - the ability to observe and let it pass through without getting caught up and acceptance of things as they are has led me to tolerate things that were not acceptable rather than remove myself from the situation. Again it's part of the "I can deal with everything" syndrome which shows up in my life alot. My ex partner learnt to meditate while we were together and he too found it life changing - that and yoga which I love. i can see that this kind of detachment would be an escape for an avoidant. In my case, my situation was so severe and life threatening that the opposite was true for me- comfort came in fully engaging. I was dissociated for a long time just to survive extreme violence and actually functioned very well in the compartments of my life, due to the ability to fully detach. The bottom all fell out of that at one tragic point and a 180 degree turn saved my life. I feel there is literally nothing i cannot handle but i much prefer to go into things honestly and emotionally available to them. But i think this grew out of literally facing the potential end of my life over and over again and having to get very clear and present to find my way out, and live. |
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