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Post by yasmin on Feb 5, 2018 16:11:54 GMT
Interesting exercise in therapy this week to identify what I actually want from a relationship - being FA I reject most relationships - but this was so interesting because it helps gives clarity on what you actually want and compare that with what a partner is providing.
My list of top 10 needs in a relationship are:
1. Passionate physical chemistry (hot sex!!!)
2. Affection (I need a lot of touch)
3. Deep emotional intimacy
4. Spontaneity and adventure (I am easily bored)
5. Intellectual challenge (someone I can talk to about big conceptual ideas)
6. Playfulness (someone where we just have a laugh)
7. Individuality (space for us both to have our own lives)
8. Trust and mutual integrity
9. Loyalty and fidelity
10. Good Communication (we can talk about stuff without arguing or stonewalling)
Interesting as an avoidant that security, stability, emotional support, acceptance, togetherness, shared goals, commitment etc. are NOT on my list. I am very happy to provide these things to others, but they are not my core needs.
What are your core needs and attachment style? would love to hear from Secures, APs, DAs and FAs on this!
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Post by Deleted on Feb 5, 2018 16:31:53 GMT
Here is my list. I stole a couple from your list, yasmin. Commitment is not on my list either, but I think that loyalty does speak to commitment. This is an interesting exercise! Thank you for posting.
1. Stability
2. Communication (be able to talk about anything without judgment, direct speaking, no hinting)
3. Passionate physical chemistry (hot sex!!!)
4. Understanding that we don't always operate from the same perspective
5. Intellectual (someone who is book smart and street smart)
6. Playfulness (someone where we just have a laugh)
7. Individuality (space for us both to have our own lives and periods of alone time is respected)
8. Trust and mutual integrity
9. Loyalty and fidelity
10. Kind words
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Post by Deleted on Feb 5, 2018 16:58:23 GMT
Did someone say pie?
it’s on the list.
jkjk i will be back to this. it might not be any different from mary’s!
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Post by alpenglow on Feb 5, 2018 17:33:43 GMT
Very interesting topic!
AP here, very similar needs to those listed (in no particular order)
1. Consistency
2. Communication (be able to talk about anything without judgment, direct speaking, no hinting)
3. Intimacy (affection and hot sex)
4. Acceptance/openness
5. Intellect/curiosity (someone I can talk to about big conceptual ideas)
6. Sense of humour
7. At least one strong shared interest (it's a need, but not really a value)
8. Trust and mutual integrity
9. Loyalty and fidelity
10. Passion (passionate about something)
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Post by Jaeger on Feb 5, 2018 20:46:38 GMT
A good exercise, though my take is that nobody has 10 NEEDS. You might have that or more WANTS, but there's a difference between the two. For me, there are around 2 - 4 needs. The rest are nice to have but I could be happy without them. In my experience happiness and contentment are less about having what you want and more about wanting what you have. The better you prioritize, the more you can fit your choices to what you want to achieve. Prioritizing 10 points is actually prioritizing none of them.
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Post by yasmin on Feb 5, 2018 21:15:57 GMT
I think the point of the exercise is to try and clarify what you actually want from a relationship, rather than what you think you want. For example it's pretty traditional for women to want stability, security, commitment, dependability, affirmation, emotional support - so I have had a lot of partners who provided that because they seemed like "good partners". But they didn't give me what MY actual desires and needs were of spontaneity, independence, adventure, intellectual stimulation. So it's been a really interesting exercise for me to do. to be honest - I don't think I could be truly happy with a partner who didn't give me all 10! But then there are 7.5 billion people on the planet so why not aim for someone who does! ha ha
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Post by Deleted on Feb 5, 2018 21:17:28 GMT
A good exercise, though my take is that nobody has 10 NEEDS. You might have that or more WANTS, but there's a difference between the two. For me, there are around 2 - 4 needs. The rest are nice to have but I could be happy without them. In my experience happiness and contentment are less about having what you want and more about wanting what you have. The better you prioritize, the more you can fit your choices to what you want to achieve. Prioritizing 10 points is actually prioritizing none of them. So, what are your 2- 4 needs? |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 5, 2018 21:22:42 GMT
I think the point of the exercise is to try and clarify what you actually want from a relationship, rather than what you think you want. For example it's pretty traditional for women to want stability, security, commitment, dependability, affirmation, emotional support - so I have had a lot of partners who provided that because they seemed like "good partners". But they didn't give me what MY actual desires and needs were of spontaneity, independence, adventure, intellectual stimulation. So it's been a really interesting exercise for me to do. to be honest - I don't think I could be truly happy with a partner who didn't give me all 10! But then there are 7.5 billion people on the planet so why not aim for someone who does! ha ha totally |
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Post by Jaeger on Feb 5, 2018 21:25:29 GMT
So, what are your 2- 4 needs? 1. Communication 2. Mutual respect 3. Empathy 4. Growth mindset These are made up of different aspects and may have a different meaning for everyone, but here they are. |
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Post by yasmin on Feb 5, 2018 21:30:26 GMT
So, what are your 2- 4 needs? 1. Communication 2. Mutual respect 3. Empathy 4. Growth mindset These are made up of different aspects and may have a different meaning for everyone, but here they are. You'd be completely fulfilled in a sexless relationship? Maybe I am needy, because pretty much all of mine are dealbreakers if someone wanted me to love them for a lifetime. Doing without those things would change me in ways I don't think I'd like. It's great though, I am going to use this to look for different sorts of partners and try and match needs. I am great at giving emotional support, teamwork, commitment, nurturing but I just don't actually want any of those things from a partner. I'd actually be completely happy living separate lives and seeing the guy once a month as long as he gave me these 10 things, so it's an exercise in understanding yourself that I've found soooo helpful today. |
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Post by Jaeger on Feb 5, 2018 21:41:02 GMT
1. Communication 2. Mutual respect 3. Empathy 4. Growth mindset These are made up of different aspects and may have a different meaning for everyone, but here they are. You'd be completely fulfilled in a sexless relationship? Maybe I am needy, because pretty much all of mine are dealbreakers if someone wanted me to love them for a lifetime. Doing without those things would change me in ways I don't think I'd like. It's great though, I am going to use this to look for different sorts of partners and try and match needs. I am great at giving emotional support, teamwork, commitment, nurturing but I just don't actually want any of those things from a partner. I'd actually be completely happy living separate lives and seeing the guy once a month as long as he gave me these 10 things, so it's an exercise in understanding yourself that I've found soooo helpful today. Sex is nice to have, and though I find it flows forth naturally from the priorities I have, there are more important things to me. Vice versa, sex with someone who doesn't respect me or lacks empathy and good communication is ultimately very unfulfilling for me, going by my experiences with it. So no, it's not about the sex itself for me, but what it signifies. I find that as I experience more, I'm better able to pinpoint the things that truly matter in making and keeping me happy, and it tends to shrink the list more and more over time. |
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Post by ocarina on Feb 5, 2018 22:00:43 GMT
OOOOOOh liking this - here we go ten needs:
1. Peace and contentment
2. Physical attraction and long lasting chemistry
3. Commitment ie the ability not to bolt when things go wrong and willingness to work through problems
4. Intellectual compatibility
5. Willingness to live a curious life
6. Acceptance and mutual respect
7. Adventurous spirit - wild outdoors
8. Compassion
9. Fidelity/ loyalty
10. Willing to think outside the box - independent thinker
Communication should be in there too but I am not allowed 11!
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Post by yasmin on Feb 5, 2018 22:15:52 GMT
I love this exercise!
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Post by Deleted on Feb 5, 2018 22:20:54 GMT
1. Communication 2. Mutual respect 3. Empathy 4. Growth mindset These are made up of different aspects and may have a different meaning for everyone, but here they are. You'd be completely fulfilled in a sexless relationship? Maybe I am needy, because pretty much all of mine are dealbreakers if someone wanted me to love them for a lifetime. Doing without those things would change me in ways I don't think I'd like. It's great though, I am going to use this to look for different sorts of partners and try and match needs. I am great at giving emotional support, teamwork, commitment, nurturing but I just don't actually want any of those things from a partner. I'd actually be completely happy living separate lives and seeing the guy once a month as long as he gave me these 10 things, so it's an exercise in understanding yourself that I've found soooo helpful today. Man, I am needy cause I need the sex and more than once a month lol. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 5, 2018 23:14:09 GMT
You'd be completely fulfilled in a sexless relationship? Maybe I am needy, because pretty much all of mine are dealbreakers if someone wanted me to love them for a lifetime. Doing without those things would change me in ways I don't think I'd like. It's great though, I am going to use this to look for different sorts of partners and try and match needs. I am great at giving emotional support, teamwork, commitment, nurturing but I just don't actually want any of those things from a partner. I'd actually be completely happy living separate lives and seeing the guy once a month as long as he gave me these 10 things, so it's an exercise in understanding yourself that I've found soooo helpful today. Man, I am needy cause I need the sex and more than once a month lol. true dat and i like to call it healthy in my prime haha and for this to happen, i need stability and everything else you listed, mary! such a happy and doable mish mash of awesome things, i think i can co create it with the right partner. i have a date (first meet) by the way, this week. i am going to be keeping it real and going through it eyes open and honestly- get ready for some posting probably lol!! |
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