Just read your book and wished I'd had it 20 years ago

Hey Jeb:

I just finished reading your book (Avoidant: How to Love (or Leave) a Dismissive Partner) a few months ago along with Stan Tatkin's book (Wired for Love) . It took that long for me to process everything I learned and how to use it. As you will have guessed, since I am in the "anxious pre-occupied" thread, that is "my type". And I have been married for almost 24 years to a dismissive-avoidant. I wish I'd known about your work 20 years ago. It would have saved me so much angst and anxiousness. The more I need reassurance the more he pulls away....but I no longer have to go down the same damn road to frustration and fulfillment. Using my new-found knowledge I can actually turn the tables and bring up solutions without emotion and without anger. After all, my spouse is human, lovable in his own quirky way, and we have managed to make this far without divorcing!

The best tools that I learned from both you and Stan are:

1). Learn to self-sooth

2). Learn to be persistent at getting your point across, even if it is as difficult as sitting in his lap while he is programming and asking for a hug.

3). Keep a keen sense of humor. If you can laugh at the absurdity of some of the situations (and there are many) life ain't all bad.

4). Don't let my spouse get away with manipulating the scene to his conclusion. Jump around mentally when the familiar buttons get pushed. Respond differently.

5). Make specific requests "lets go to the play at 3:00 pm on Thursday". Avoidant types respond better to this.

6). Don't let the many small rejections throughout the day go unnoticed but don't let them build up and make you resent the person. Place yourself squarely in their way once a day and ask for hugs, kisses, or attention. Just do it.

7). Don't give up when I get a rejection. Sometimes this is a test and sometimes it is a forgetfulness thing. Don't assume each rejection is a genuine repulsion.

8). Bolster my own self-esteem. Stop making my spouse bolster me (See #1).

9). Don't allow his (strong) opinions or anger to change my mind. He is just as wrong just as often as I am but forgets when he is wrong, like all people.

10). I can't read his mind and he can't read mine. No matter how long we have lived together. Ask why he said that or what outcome he hopes to have.

11). Shut up and listen.