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Post by darlene on Jun 27, 2016 15:57:52 GMT
I am trying to get overa breakup with my boyfriend of 5 years. I am one of only 2 long term relationships he's had. The other was in his early 30's that lasted almost 2 years. Everything between her and me was a few dates to 6 months. He is 46 now, never been married or even considered it as far as I know. After contacting me numerous times after I left him and actting like he wanted me back, as soon as I started to talk to him and consider trying again he just disappeared! I know he is now in a new relationship and I feel so foolish for allowing myself to be drawn in again only to be once again rejected. This was how our entire relationship was, constantly hot and cold. Extremely emotionally distant, most often sullen and angry toward everything really. Refusing to talk about our relationship or anything regarding my feelings or his. Constantly creating distance between us by Internet/ gaming addiction, not sleeping in the same bed often, walking ahead of me at all times, and withholding sex and affection often. Makes it impossible to have any kind of meaningful connection.
Since I found out he was seeing someone else he has contactedme 3 times by text and email. Just meaningless text about nothing really but I don't understand the reason to contact me at all. I haven't responded.
My question for Jeb is, how likely is it that someone with his age and relationship history and displaying every single characteristic listed in your book with the exception of cheating as being dismissive avoidant, to change his relationship patterns? I guess I just am struggling to find some information to let me know I did the right thing leaving because as foolish as it is I still love him and think of him constantly.
Please help! I would welcome also anyone's else's feedback.
Thank you for reading
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Post by Jeb Kinnison on Jun 27, 2016 20:50:17 GMT
I think you know the answer already! No, he won't change. He seeks you out when you haven't reached out to him only because he's entirely in control then. Any positive response from you sets him back to the desire to get away. You did the right thing, now just ignore any further contact attempts and find someone who wants to be close.
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peter
New Member
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Post by peter on Jun 28, 2016 3:59:57 GMT
Hey Darlene,
My ex-girl has been doing the same thing to me for months now. She'll seek out attention (over something trivial), I ignore for a bit, and when I finally give in and try to move toward her a bit, she jets. It is intensely frustrating, but thanks to Jeb and everything else I've read on AT, I find it to be very unlikely that she will ever change. It's upsetting because I love her but that doesn't change the reality of the situation. She isn't capable of having a real connection.
I'm mostly secure but I do have some preoccupied tendencies. My efforts to work through all this with her have failed as she just seems incapable of dealing with real closeness. I suspect that your situation is very similar, unfortunately. Like Jeb said you (and I) are better off finding someone who can be close to you like you want and deserve.
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Post by darlene on Jun 28, 2016 14:57:52 GMT
Thank you Jeb for your book and response. After so many years and emotional investment ( on my part) it's a hard truth to accept. Difficult to know he just moved on to someone else so easily.
Thanks again,
Darlene
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Post by darlene on Jun 28, 2016 15:00:49 GMT
Thank you Peter,
Your relationship does sound familiar to me. I think for the most part we all are somewhat anxious/. preoccupied because I think a totally secure person wouldn't put up with the mixed messages for very long
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Post by Jenn on Jun 30, 2016 22:28:18 GMT
I am trying to get overa breakup with my boyfriend of 5 years. I am one of only 2 long term relationships he's had. The other was in his early 30's that lasted almost 2 years. Everything between her and me was a few dates to 6 months. He is 46 now, never been married or even considered it as far as I know. After contacting me numerous times after I left him and actting like he wanted me back, as soon as I started to talk to him and consider trying again he just disappeared! I know he is now in a new relationship and I feel so foolish for allowing myself to be drawn in again only to be once again rejected. This was how our entire relationship was, constantly hot and cold. Extremely emotionally distant, most often sullen and angry toward everything really. Refusing to talk about our relationship or anything regarding my feelings or his. Constantly creating distance between us by Internet/ gaming addiction, not sleeping in the same bed often, walking ahead of me at all times, and withholding sex and affection often. Makes it impossible to have any kind of meaningful connection. Since I found out he was seeing someone else he has contactedme 3 times by text and email. Just meaningless text about nothing really but I don't understand the reason to contact me at all. I haven't responded. My question for Jeb is, how likely is it that someone with his age and relationship history and displaying every single characteristic listed in your book with the exception of cheating as being dismissive avoidant, to change his relationship patterns? I guess I just am struggling to find some information to let me know I did the right thing leaving because as foolish as it is I still love him and think of him constantly. Please help! I would welcome also anyone's else's feedback. Thank you for reading |
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missv
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Post by missv on Jul 3, 2016 16:24:13 GMT
Coming back to this site is so helpful. It is easy to forget the emotional turmoil involved in trying to get closer to someone dismissive, and I ponder too about my old relationship being different if I ever get another chance.
Thank you for sharing your story Darlene, I am pleased to know I am not alone in still experiencing strong feelings for someone that is now part of my past. I can't imagine he will be too different in any future relationship. If he didn't wish to get close to you, then he is unlikely to wish that with another person, so really his only option will be someone who shares his fear of intimacy. It sounds like that was not enough for you, and why should it be!
Remember people with DA are likely to bring out the anxiety is anyone, so even if you are usually secure, you will experience anxiety and do more of the work in order to close the gap. People with PA will stick around indefinitely even if the relationship does not meet their needs as they think any relationship is better than none. So do not think too much about the new partner, but recognise that his problems are no longer yours,
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Post by strong on Jul 21, 2016 0:43:09 GMT
I am trying to get overa breakup with my boyfriend of 5 years. I am one of only 2 long term relationships he's had. The other was in his early 30's that lasted almost 2 years. Everything between her and me was a few dates to 6 months. He is 46 now, never been married or even considered it as far as I know. After contacting me numerous times after I left him and actting like he wanted me back, as soon as I started to talk to him and consider trying again he just disappeared! I know he is now in a new relationship and I feel so foolish for allowing myself to be drawn in again only to be once again rejected. This was how our entire relationship was, constantly hot and cold. Extremely emotionally distant, most often sullen and angry toward everything really. Refusing to talk about our relationship or anything regarding my feelings or his. Constantly creating distance between us by Internet/ gaming addiction, not sleeping in the same bed often, walking ahead of me at all times, and withholding sex and affection often. Makes it impossible to have any kind of meaningful connection. Since I found out he was seeing someone else he has contactedme 3 times by text and email. Just meaningless text about nothing really but I don't understand the reason to contact me at all. I haven't responded. My question for Jeb is, how likely is it that someone with his age and relationship history and displaying every single characteristic listed in your book with the exception of cheating as being dismissive avoidant, to change his relationship patterns? I guess I just am struggling to find some information to let me know I did the right thing leaving because as foolish as it is I still love him and think of him constantly. Please help! I would welcome also anyone's else's feedback. Thank you for reading |
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acho
New Member
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Post by acho on Sept 3, 2016 14:05:02 GMT
Short answer: He never will.
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