Post by dann98 on Feb 5, 2018 20:23:58 GMT
Hey guys,
I'm hoping to get some insight on my relationship with a girl (very old friend, started dating few months back) that has withdrawn quite badly over the past month or so. I've looked a lot into attachment theory and I am fascinated by it, and it is due to reading a lot and spending time in therapy that I'm in this relationship now. I usually run for the hills at the first sign somebody is attracted to me either by finding fault with the person who pursues me, or finding the said person so perfect it just seems like an unattainable ideal.
Anyways, I knew this girl was into me for quite some years, but I've always kind of dismissed her without realizing the lack of attraction I felt was actually just the subconscious fear that it might actually work, and we don't want that, do we? I was finding all sorts of ridiculous reasons for not liking her, like I don't like the shoes she wears, or I don't like the music she's listening to, or I kid you not, I don't like her driving style. She always seemed warm and available and I was sooo hating that before we were together, as she struck me as the "needy and dependent" type and it sort of made me sick. But why did it make me sick? Well obviously because I was hating myself so much I just couldn't stand anyone showing me love because I felt I didn't deserve it.
So a few months back, we just started seeing each other more often as friends, and it was during this time that I managed to see through my fears and actually be able to slowly let her in. If it weren't for her persistence at my every attempt at rejection, and me being self aware, it wouldn't have happened, so I just said to myself that such a consistent and caring person might just be the secure partner I need.
So we slowly start dating, and in the first two to three weeks she just shows every trait of an AP, kind of panicking at the smallest conflict and me, every trait of a DA. She wants to bring food at my place, calling me consistently, giving me so much attention, wanting to hang out... things that just felt off and controlling to me. I was actually feeling less attracted when she was like this, but I knew I was subconsciously applying distancing strategies so I just put myself out there even when it felt so hard and counterintuitive.
Fast forward another few weeks and I find myself becoming AP about our relationship with fears of abandonment and rejection sweeping me off my feet. It's in this phase that we start disclosing more personal stuff, I tell her about how I'm feeling in the moment, about my fear of abandonment and rejection and how I'm feeling panic that she'll leave me and how I don't understand what she sees in me when there are so many emotionally consistent and functional men out there. She is very secure and reassuring with my fears, tells me she understands and that she is so glad I'm telling her all this as she feels even closer to me than ever. We're also disclosing a lot of our childhood traumas, I've been raised by a very impulsive and emotionally unstable mother and a physically abusive and emotionally manipulating father. She tells me about her family, her clinical depression, how she was always compared to her younger sister and how she always felt that she wasn't "good enough", that she hates herself and believes she doesn't deserve anything in life. One day she comes telling me she can't fathom what I see in her, that there's so much "bad things" living inside of her, and that she's so afraid she'll hurt me. She also says she feels guilt over insignificant things and that she's so afraid she'll disappoint and betray. I'm just being calm and reassuring to her and she seems ok, although this was a period where a lot of red flags were raised on her side that had pointed at where the relationship was headed.
Another few weeks into the relationship we're at a party and long story short a guy tries to hit on her. She's not responding, although she seemed overly friendly with the guy but then again, she's friendly with a lot of guys. I start panicking badly and we're having an argument the next morning with me in full panic mode. I think the argument just blew an emotional fuse inside of her, she didn't know how to emotionally process what happened, as she started being emotionally withdrawn within a few days and a few short arguments later. She's raising walls all around, not being emotionally present, not willing to communicate, rarely showing empathy or compassion, becomes ironic at times; she hardly lets me hold her in my arms and when she does she just wants to get away and puts her arms between us; not pushing away, nor pulling in. Sleepovers are quite rare now. The argument had come by after a very intimate period between us, and with her fears of not disappointing or betraying I think I made her hate herself even more.
She had shown avoidant tendencies throughout the relationship timeline, but I pinpointed them on a bad day, or bad mood or whatever; one constant thing I've noticed is her fierce independence and not feeling at ease relying on others. Also, she seemed to put me on hold for the most insignificant reasons in the last period before our conflict. Maybe I'm misreading due to being overly sensitive though.
She's consistent with phone calls though; even if we don't see each other as often, don't chat as often, we still talk every day. We're not playing games and we're not manipulating each other and we try to be as nice to each other as we can, although resentment builds on both sides, or at least on my side. But she seems less and less interested in how I feel and how the relationship is going with each passing day. I managed to coax a few words out of her some time ago, and she's told me she doesn't know who she is right now and what she wants, whether we're right for each other or not and all she feels like doing right now is run away. She's told me she feels I'm overly dependent on her, which is true. I suggested she read into attachment theory but she seemed reluctant and evasive about it.
Anyway, although I'm so preoccupied with all this that I'm about to lose my job at the moment, I decided I should buffer and stop pursuing. I stopped initiating meetups and let her take the initiative. A few days into not pursuing and she starts calling and wanting to talk three times a day even if we don't see each other. We got very close again one night, at least physically, but she's got distant afterwards for days. Spent last Sunday at her place and she seemed very distant, both physically and emotionally.
I feel so rejected by all this it's hard to hide that I'm upset, and she's noticing, which I believe makes her keep her distance. I'm not feeling myself around her anymore, I crave seeing her, but she scares the hell out of me at the same time so there, I guess I'm fearful avoidant. I'm wondering about her though... I'm thinking fearful avoidant but lower on anxiety and higher on avoidance, how could I not make a mess of things and provide a secure base to which she'll safely return? This is so hard right now...
Thanks for reading guys!
I'm hoping to get some insight on my relationship with a girl (very old friend, started dating few months back) that has withdrawn quite badly over the past month or so. I've looked a lot into attachment theory and I am fascinated by it, and it is due to reading a lot and spending time in therapy that I'm in this relationship now. I usually run for the hills at the first sign somebody is attracted to me either by finding fault with the person who pursues me, or finding the said person so perfect it just seems like an unattainable ideal.
Anyways, I knew this girl was into me for quite some years, but I've always kind of dismissed her without realizing the lack of attraction I felt was actually just the subconscious fear that it might actually work, and we don't want that, do we? I was finding all sorts of ridiculous reasons for not liking her, like I don't like the shoes she wears, or I don't like the music she's listening to, or I kid you not, I don't like her driving style. She always seemed warm and available and I was sooo hating that before we were together, as she struck me as the "needy and dependent" type and it sort of made me sick. But why did it make me sick? Well obviously because I was hating myself so much I just couldn't stand anyone showing me love because I felt I didn't deserve it.
So a few months back, we just started seeing each other more often as friends, and it was during this time that I managed to see through my fears and actually be able to slowly let her in. If it weren't for her persistence at my every attempt at rejection, and me being self aware, it wouldn't have happened, so I just said to myself that such a consistent and caring person might just be the secure partner I need.
So we slowly start dating, and in the first two to three weeks she just shows every trait of an AP, kind of panicking at the smallest conflict and me, every trait of a DA. She wants to bring food at my place, calling me consistently, giving me so much attention, wanting to hang out... things that just felt off and controlling to me. I was actually feeling less attracted when she was like this, but I knew I was subconsciously applying distancing strategies so I just put myself out there even when it felt so hard and counterintuitive.
Fast forward another few weeks and I find myself becoming AP about our relationship with fears of abandonment and rejection sweeping me off my feet. It's in this phase that we start disclosing more personal stuff, I tell her about how I'm feeling in the moment, about my fear of abandonment and rejection and how I'm feeling panic that she'll leave me and how I don't understand what she sees in me when there are so many emotionally consistent and functional men out there. She is very secure and reassuring with my fears, tells me she understands and that she is so glad I'm telling her all this as she feels even closer to me than ever. We're also disclosing a lot of our childhood traumas, I've been raised by a very impulsive and emotionally unstable mother and a physically abusive and emotionally manipulating father. She tells me about her family, her clinical depression, how she was always compared to her younger sister and how she always felt that she wasn't "good enough", that she hates herself and believes she doesn't deserve anything in life. One day she comes telling me she can't fathom what I see in her, that there's so much "bad things" living inside of her, and that she's so afraid she'll hurt me. She also says she feels guilt over insignificant things and that she's so afraid she'll disappoint and betray. I'm just being calm and reassuring to her and she seems ok, although this was a period where a lot of red flags were raised on her side that had pointed at where the relationship was headed.
Another few weeks into the relationship we're at a party and long story short a guy tries to hit on her. She's not responding, although she seemed overly friendly with the guy but then again, she's friendly with a lot of guys. I start panicking badly and we're having an argument the next morning with me in full panic mode. I think the argument just blew an emotional fuse inside of her, she didn't know how to emotionally process what happened, as she started being emotionally withdrawn within a few days and a few short arguments later. She's raising walls all around, not being emotionally present, not willing to communicate, rarely showing empathy or compassion, becomes ironic at times; she hardly lets me hold her in my arms and when she does she just wants to get away and puts her arms between us; not pushing away, nor pulling in. Sleepovers are quite rare now. The argument had come by after a very intimate period between us, and with her fears of not disappointing or betraying I think I made her hate herself even more.
She had shown avoidant tendencies throughout the relationship timeline, but I pinpointed them on a bad day, or bad mood or whatever; one constant thing I've noticed is her fierce independence and not feeling at ease relying on others. Also, she seemed to put me on hold for the most insignificant reasons in the last period before our conflict. Maybe I'm misreading due to being overly sensitive though.
She's consistent with phone calls though; even if we don't see each other as often, don't chat as often, we still talk every day. We're not playing games and we're not manipulating each other and we try to be as nice to each other as we can, although resentment builds on both sides, or at least on my side. But she seems less and less interested in how I feel and how the relationship is going with each passing day. I managed to coax a few words out of her some time ago, and she's told me she doesn't know who she is right now and what she wants, whether we're right for each other or not and all she feels like doing right now is run away. She's told me she feels I'm overly dependent on her, which is true. I suggested she read into attachment theory but she seemed reluctant and evasive about it.
Anyway, although I'm so preoccupied with all this that I'm about to lose my job at the moment, I decided I should buffer and stop pursuing. I stopped initiating meetups and let her take the initiative. A few days into not pursuing and she starts calling and wanting to talk three times a day even if we don't see each other. We got very close again one night, at least physically, but she's got distant afterwards for days. Spent last Sunday at her place and she seemed very distant, both physically and emotionally.
I feel so rejected by all this it's hard to hide that I'm upset, and she's noticing, which I believe makes her keep her distance. I'm not feeling myself around her anymore, I crave seeing her, but she scares the hell out of me at the same time so there, I guess I'm fearful avoidant. I'm wondering about her though... I'm thinking fearful avoidant but lower on anxiety and higher on avoidance, how could I not make a mess of things and provide a secure base to which she'll safely return? This is so hard right now...
Thanks for reading guys!
