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Post by yasmin on Feb 7, 2018 22:03:48 GMT
Everybody here has one thing in common: they're aware they have an insecure attachment style. Well, most of us anyway as there are very few secures here and it's interesting to me that so many adults are walking around with no clue what their attachment style is or why they struggle with relationships.
I think, from my viewpoint, that it is a lot harder to notice you are avoidant than it is to notice you are anxious. Being FA, I am both, and it was DEFINITELY harder for me to notice my adoidance.
I think that's partly because someone who is anxious is looking for answers (why is he / she doing this?) so they are more likely to Google or seek therapy.
I think also the anxious person feels the pain and suffering and needs to find relief, whereas the avoidant can "avoid" even the feelings and just knows they want to get away then feels relief when they do so in a way part of the avoidance IS denial, because you're so detached from why you feel the way you do or even WHAT you feel.
Also, I think the suffering of the anxious person is so much more transparent. There's so much desperation for relief in the anxious person and it's easy for them to identify what they are feeling is fear and pain.
I am an FA, and I swear to God, I found Jeb's book due to confusion because I was dating a fellow FA who was confusing me and driving me crazy. I actually read the ENTIRE book and did all the quizzes and checklists and diagnosed him as FA and myself as secure. I identified when reading the book with some of the anxious feelings and behaviours but ONLY in relation to the FA I was dating, so I felt he had "switched me".
I would have believed someone who told me I was a little anxious...but avoidant? No way! I am open and warm and loving and find it easy to talk about feelings!!! It took a long time to dig deeper and see my patterns of very strong avoidance. Once I did, so much about me made so much more sense.
My avoidant characteristics don't cause me pain in an obvious way - actually they are my defence mechanisms for AVOIDING pain, and I always viewed them as my best characteristics.
But this post is only there to highlight how incredibly deep the denial can be for avoidants. It is so, so, so hard to see this in yourself. Even for someone who is emotionally intelligent and working hard to be happy, it is really, really tough.
It was not until much later (months) of reading the forums and looking at my behavior that I saw I have been avoidant for my entire life.
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Post by ocarina on Feb 7, 2018 22:24:43 GMT
Yes - I was, of course, not the problem in my relationships (said with tongue firmly in cheek) it was either that I hadn't met the right person, or that my partner had issues, I was of course, just fine.
My last partner was a severely avoidant FA/DA and the more time we spent together the more we realised we were astonishingly similar - and everyone else could see that too. I could see his behaviours and the effect they had upon me - and relate to times in the past where I had behaved in a similar way. I felt quite ashamed and also determined to uproot this in myself so that at last I could show up in relationships and in life and actually be present, sit there with the discomfort, without having to weave life around my requirements to keep me feeling safe.
It is a work in progress but so far so good!
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Post by Deleted on Feb 8, 2018 0:13:28 GMT
I struggle to answer this question, because I have always thought I was "different". When I was younger, most of my gfs would be crying about a guy that treated her badly and I was like, "man, get over it. It's just a guy". (we were young and a lot of young guys just act jerky). I was different, but I liked it.
I was in my mid 30s when I became more self aware, and sought therapy due to an abusive relationship. However, I didn't learn about avoidance in therapy. Therapy helped me a lot, but I wanted to learn more, so through the power of google, I started to read about attachment theory. I;m glad I found this site and all the reading, this site and the therapy combined have brought me to a better understanding of myself.
But here's the thing, Even though I want to become more aware, I like my avoidance and I don't want to entirely get rid of it. This is something that I have recently discovered. Avoidance has served me well in my life. It has helped me through tough times, helped me to become successful and has contributed to my happiness.
I do want to become more secure, but I don't want to lose the avoidant side. It's a part of me and there are pros. I actually have just come upon this realization recently in therapy, so it's a work in progress.
I have no idea if it's easier for AP or avoidants to realize their attachment style. I think most people go their whole life without knowing.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 8, 2018 1:42:29 GMT
mary, i feel the same way as you do about appreciating some of the ways avoidant traits enhance my life. thank you for saying that.
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Post by BreakingTheSpell on Feb 8, 2018 15:38:30 GMT
in an ideal world, we would not need avoidance at all. In fact, it would be a negative trait, because it would prevent us from being 100% in touch with our feelings, to be fully present.
But, there is enough pain going around to have such a luxury, and some avoidance traits may actually help us survive and thrive in a world that encourages detachment and material success. I think the limit arises when we trespass the well being of another person, when our independence and autonomy for everything starts hurting somebody's else's feelings. Particularly if that somebody else is your most intimate partner, your safe heaven.
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Post by leavethelighton on Mar 2, 2018 1:07:07 GMT
I can relate to living in denial and thinking one is secure-- that other people are always the problem, they don't love enough or they're flakey or they're just not "the one" or whatever we say to think it's the other person who is the issue. Yes, the denial can run deep.
Something I find hard about being in less denial is accepting that the past can't be changed. I can look back at all the moments where I wish I had acted differently, made other choices, said something different than what I said, etc. Of course we do the best we can at the time, but I find it hard to accept the relationships I've fully lost as being fully lost in some cases.
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Post by alexandra on Sept 3, 2022 18:32:59 GMT
Bumping this up. It's a short thread as it is, but it is worth considering and maybe continuing the discussion. Especially the recognition that the insecure attachment style is in itself a defense mechanism, so of course denial may be included in that.
Denial can be deep for all sides of the insecure spectrum, anxious or avoidant, but there have been several comments over time from posters who swear to be AP or secure yet eventually realize they have an avoidant side as well that they'd never recognized before.
How is it this may be missed? One way is if you always date one type of person (say, always dating someone more avoidant than you), you will always get triggered anxious, and will not realize that switching your partner type and interacting with someone more anxious than you will bring out your own avoidance.
Another way is discussed further above: anxiety feels like something (flooding of nervous system) while avoidance may feel like nothing (numbing of nervous system), so if it's difficult for you to connect with your own emotions, it may be easier for you to only recognize the ones that seem more overwhelming and "louder."
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Post by Deleted on Sept 4, 2022 0:10:05 GMT
If I had a nickel for every "secure" poster who took a test and aced the answers but show up totally insecure and in denial in their relationships and on the forum... but everyone has to go through something like that until they figure out that the common denominator in all their negative outcomes is.... their own insecurity. Good topic though.
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Post by jolene on Sept 17, 2022 19:37:42 GMT
Wow this might explain why my ex-boyfriend tested secure but is actually avoidant. I've never met a man so sweet, warm and empathetic before, but the fact that he was so inconsistent and manipulative set my alarm bells ringing. I'm in the middle of a very messy breakup and trying to learn more about attachment styles. The more I read about it, the more it all makes sense.
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Post by mrob on Sept 18, 2022 15:42:04 GMT
Good one to bump up. I miss some of the deleted people in this one. When I got here I’d have sworn that I never missed anyone, which was rubbish.
I got here because the lady I’d been hot and cold on found someone else while I was deactivated. I was suddenly able to see that while I’d been true to myself and acted this one all the way through, I was repeating a pattern. Why did I feel totally engulfed at any escalation with someone I really liked? Why had this happened before? Why had I had an affair in my second marriage when I knew the pain from when my 1st wife had one? Why was all this such a mess? I read the “bad boyfriends” book to see why I was so bad at this. I got the answers in spades and it changed my life. I’d had therapy before, at every escalation when I was conflicted and couldn’t explain it, then when my marriage imploded. Nobody ever mentioned this stuff. The avoidance was there to see, and the bewilderment from that, but I couldn’t see my anxious preoccupation straight away, and how they interacted as an FA.
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Post by selhurst1905 on Dec 21, 2022 1:05:44 GMT
Mmm, I like this post, Is interesting and certainly gives food for thought. Ive recently found this forum and it good for me as it gives me somewhere to speak to people on the same page. Any time I have mentioned attachment styles to anyone else they have no idea what I'm talking about, have never heard of it. You can google the basic meanings of the attachment styles, but it is pretty vague to me. It is only when I have found online a few coaches who specialise, and talk about it al lot through all their videos that it becomes a lot clearer and makes more sense!!!
My current ex, I tried talking, bringing up attachment styles a while ago, she was pretty dismissive... believe her to be an FA possibly FA leaning towards AP.
I definitely have massive amounts of AP but also wonder if have other traits as well, possibly some avoidant characteristic??
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