nic
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Post by nic on Feb 8, 2018 2:22:54 GMT
I am normally a DA in every other relationship but the one Im currently trying to break free from. When I decide Im done I leave and don't have any desire to reconnect. USUALLY...that is. This case is very different. I have crossed over to anxiously attached. Im trying to understand why my DA keeps trying to come back? Other than because I've let him come back before. He barely shows that he cares or considers me until I've had it and need to get away for my sanity. Its not usually right away but give it a week or two and there is always a reason he'll have to reach out again. Im finding it very hard to resist likely because I dont really WANT to be done, but NEED to be done. He doesnt seem to be attached and doesn't want a relationship so why would he not just move on? I cant relate because I have not experienced this as an avoidant. Im only experiencing this now because I AM on the attached side of the situation. He's making me an anxious mess. So can an avoidant become attached yet still avoid?? Its boggling to me..
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 8, 2018 2:33:37 GMT
hi nic. reaching out doesn’t mean coming back. he wasn’t there. he’s not coming back. he’s sniffing around, to see if YOU’RE still there. it’s a wounded behavior and you don’t need to understand it, he’s probably not clear himself. All you need to know is he isn’t there and never was. Period. avoidants who are not in touch with themselves enough to attach to you are not in touch with themselves enough to be clear on their own motivations sometimes. they have a hard time with endings , anxious have a hard time with endings. there’s a lot of ambiguity on both sides, actually - you want to resist but struggle with the HARD NO, so does he. it’s easy to overcomplicate it- the answer is, this dance is a crazy one and the only thing to do is try to work your way into a line dance with the rest of us here trying to make firm decisions that support our own growth and leave the crazy dancers to themselves. ITS UNKNOWABLE EVEN TO HIM. Best to you, it’s not easy but that’s why we’re here for each other.  |
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nic
Junior Member
Posts: 58
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Post by nic on Feb 8, 2018 2:51:29 GMT
hi nic. reaching out doesn’t mean coming back. he wasn’t there. he’s not coming back. he’s sniffing around, to see if YOU’RE still there. it’s a wounded behavior and you don’t need to understand it, he’s probably not clear himself. All you need to know is he isn’t there and never was. Period. avoidants who are not in touch with themselves to attach to you are not in touch with themselves enough to be clear on their own motivations sometimes. they have a hard time with endings , anxious have a hard time with endings. there’s a lot of ambiguity on both sides, actually - you want to resist but struggle with the HARD NO, so does he. it’s easy to overcomplicate it- the answer is, this dance is a crazy one and the only thing to do is try to work your way into a line dance with the rest of us here trying to make firm decisions that support our own growth and leave the crazy dancers to themselves. ITS UNKNOWABLE EVEN TO HIM. Best to you, it’s not easy but that’s why we’re here for each other. Very true! He was never really there to begin with.. I suppose my question is probably still reaching for that glimmer of hope that he CAN feel. I want it all to go away when the skit keeps replaying. He keeps showing up with a different mask on like its a different episode.. or a different dance I guess. I can absolutely leave him alone if he'd stay over there. But I need to work my way up to leaving him alone when he reappears. Thanks for your input. I appreciate it! |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 8, 2018 2:52:34 GMT
and for some additional perspective-
i’m avoidant and just broke up with my ex DA about six weeks ago, because i outgrew our relationship.
it was painful and i love and care about him but understand and respect his limitations and process.
he is aware of his issues and in therapy, but also accepts the end of the relationship and that i am dating again.
he contacts me every day and because i am avoidant and working hard toward my security, i never entertain the thought that he has spontaneously , miraculously transformed into the healthier partner i desire. it doesn’t happen like that. and it certainly wouldn’t happen and have him just texting now and then to say nothing new.
my god, i love the man but i understand his limitations. even though he is in therapy. even tho we enjoyed a great connection.
if i am not reading into my ex DA, as a DA myself, neither should you.
i am trying to be supportive and not harsh at all.
i get the confusion but don’t feed it. it will keep you stuck.
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nic
Junior Member
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Post by nic on Feb 8, 2018 3:03:09 GMT
I don't mind a little taste of reality at all. Thank you for your honesty. It sounds like you are on a great path. I'm just starting out and still trying to understand myself and why I even care about this person to the extent that I do. I will get there. I have no choice. I do want my peaceful mind back.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 8, 2018 3:16:10 GMT
I don't mind a little taste of reality at all. Thank you for your honesty. It sounds like you are on a great path. I'm just starting out and still trying to understand myself and why I even care about this person to the extent that I do. I will get there. I have no choice. I do want my peaceful mind back. I am glad you took it the way it was intended nic. I am glad you are here. Just remember that both sides of this equation are acting in pattern, life long coping mechanisms that are not intentional, not healthy, not conscious, and not conducive to a healthy partnership. there is a lot of great support here and you are doing absolutely the right thing to get yourself back on track and find you bearings. Hang in there. There are lots of us to encourage you, i am sure you see that. Keep posting. |
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nic
Junior Member
Posts: 58
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Post by nic on Mar 10, 2018 21:52:46 GMT
I am still struggling with this. I let my guy back in and Ive never seen such effort from him before. He's posting pictures of us on social media which is a first, calling or texting every day and saying things that Ive never heard come out of his mouth like "im so glad to have someone like you in my life". He even went to a Valentines day dance with me.
Its been about a month of this and I think he's hit his point of exhaustion. The other day he said he thinks of a relationship as needless because its going to end and who wants to go through all that.. and that my leaving the situation the multiple times I have does not help. He never knows when hes going to get that 5-page text again. I recognize my part in that but it wasnt to hurt him or change him. I didnt think he COULD change anyway. I did it because I was unhappy and hurting and couldnt take feeling like I didnt even matter anymore.
Then last night it was him saying that if I stopped texting or reaching out it wouldnt even matter, he would just carry on and not be affected. And that hes meant to be single for the rest of his life. Mind you never did i suggest such a thing. He was triggered by a misunderstanding we had. He texted me where he was and I was supposed to know that meant show up. I would NEVER show up without an invite because the one time I did I was completely rejected so that was my part of the misunderstanding.
Anyway..WTF!! In response I asked if he wants to be single why are we still here? He said because im so persistant. But Ive given him plenty of outs as mentioned before. Why doesnt he take them if he doesnt like being in this situation? He keeps pulling me back in. And now with the new tidbit on how my running away affects him im cautious to not do that unless I truly cant handle it and im going to lose it.
After this conversation I felt really shitty. Less anxious thats for sure. Because ive been on the other side I repressed a lot throughout our time together. He doesnt know half of the anxiety I have felt throughout this. I only brought that to his attention when i was almost to the breaking point. So he knows how I felt, i just didnt burden him with it on a regular basis. I always thought about how that neediness affected me when I was the one receiving it in past relationships and did my best to self soothe.
I dont even know what to do with all this information. I asked if he wanted to finish our night off and let our relationship go to relieve the pressure. First he said if thats what I want.. then he said No..that he'd been drinking and I should know he just says stuff when hes drinking. Hmmm i dont know, usually there is a lot of truth to what comes out after a few cocktails.
What a mess.. Things were much simpler and peaceful on my own.
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em
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Post by em on Mar 11, 2018 0:47:12 GMT
Just to clarify, he said the part about if you stopped texting or reaching out it wouldn't matter while he was drinking?
Either way, I am actually in pain just reading his words to you. I am so sorry he said that. I don't believe he really means that. I think he was upset because of the misunderstanding. But yes, "WTF" is right. This reminds me a bit of what my ex was like.
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nic
Junior Member
Posts: 58
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Post by nic on Mar 11, 2018 1:25:21 GMT
Just to clarify, he said the part about if you stopped texting or reaching out it wouldn't matter while he was drinking? Either way, I am actually in pain just reading his words to you. I am so sorry he said that. I don't believe he really means that. I think he was upset because of the misunderstanding. But yes, "WTF" is right. This reminds me a bit of what my ex was like. Thank you. It was painful to hear. Yes, he was drinking but it's really not an excuse. I think he feels a lot of pressure doing things that are not natural for him in order to keep me happy. I recognize his effort and I believe he loves me, he says he loves me.. It goes both ways.. Im compromising on what I REALLY want to meet him im the middle and I also give him more space than what is comfortable for me in order to keep him happy. We are just getting by. |
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rose
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Post by rose on Mar 16, 2018 16:43:06 GMT
hi nic,
why don't you convince him into couple therapy? he doesn't seem like an abusive guy and is interested in you
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nic
Junior Member
Posts: 58
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Post by nic on Mar 16, 2018 17:32:41 GMT
hi nic, why don't you convince him into couple therapy? he doesn't seem like an abusive guy and is interested in you Hi Rose, He's not abusive but he keeps talking about not wanting a relationship and I knew that all along but a year and 4 months later we are still here. And hearing that hurts. He doesnt like it when I try to end it but I dont want to keep hearing that he doesnt want a relationship AND dealing with the DA distancing stuff all at the same time. Its too much to swallow and it makes me feel unloved and so anxious. I work hard on taming my anxiousness and neediness that are only there because im constantly being pushed that-away. I seriously feel like I want very little.. less than most women anyway. im only an AP in THIS situation with him.. and normally on the avoidant side. He is his own kind of anxious too when he suddenly realizes hes in a relatationship he never wanted. I dont even call it anything or refer to myself as his girlfriend..it just is by nature of morphing and comfortability and the fact that neither want to see the other with another person. And I dont even care about titles if it makes him feel better. But if we are here lets accept it or decide not to. This is all so crazy making.. So to answer your question I dont even know how Id approach couples therapy with this guy. That would insinuate that he's in a relationship lol |
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