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Post by atnewbie on Feb 8, 2018 12:15:55 GMT
Hi! I'm just learning about attachment types in detail. I'm AP and I think my ex is FA. We broke up after 5 years on December 23rd because we were fighting constantly and the fights only kept getting worse (basically I needed more communication and closeness he needed more space, more understanding of his lack of communication). We lived together so I offered he stay with me through the end of January or until he found a place. I also hoped we could work things out and he would stay. He found a place he could move into the 2nd week of January but chose to stay with me until the end of the month. When I asked him why, he just answered "because i'm a punk" and hugged me  . I know this break up was hard on him but him choosing to stay through January messed with my head because he was here but he would get distant, sleep on the couch, get awkward around me until I told him that if he wanted to be here he needed to actually be here or it would make it all harder on me...if that makes sense :/. Long story short....I unfollowed/blocked him on social media accounts because I have a tendency to check it a lot when we aren't talking and he did the same (his accounts are public though). 2 days after I helped him move out and we said our goodbyes I checked his social media (lack of self-control) and saw he started following his ex I had asked him to unfollow when we were together because it made me uncomfortable that he claimed they were just friends but then told me how she came onto him in their conversations...I was so upset and finally called him to confront him several days later. I basically kept asking if he understood how much it hurt that he did that especially knowing me/my insecurities and asked if he was already talking to her and he said yes that he had talked to her about 2 days ago because they were just friends...I felt like he was saying he was finally free without using those words. It was messy and definitely made him feel attacked and he has basically started ignoring me but won't block my number like I asked him to. I'm trying to go no contact and start working on my healing/AP issues but do really love him and hate feeling like I ruined any chances of us being friends in the future. My question is after a messy breakup like that does an FA ever reach out again? |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 8, 2018 14:16:22 GMT
The question you are asking is if this person will reach out to you again. No one will be able to answer that question. If a break up is messy, I think the chances for friendship are diminished. I think the mistake is expecting someone to act the same after a break up as they were when they were with you. After a break up, there are no more obligations. He is free to contact his ex if he likes. If he is hurting you, it is your responsibility to yourself to protect yourself. Stop checking his social media and ask yourself why are you wondering if he will reach out again. What I don't understand is if a person is clearly hurting you, why do you want to remain in contact.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 8, 2018 19:16:13 GMT
The question you are asking is if this person will reach out to you again. No one will be able to answer that question. If a break up is messy, I think the chances for friendship are diminished. I think the mistake is expecting someone to act the same after a break up as they were when they were with you. After a break up, there are no more obligations. He is free to contact his ex if he likes. If he is hurting you, it is your responsibility to yourself to protect yourself. Stop checking his social media and ask yourself why are you wondering if he will reach out again. What I don't understand is if a person is clearly hurting you, why do you want to remain in contact. "What I don't understand is if a person is clearly hurting you, why do you want to remain in contact." Because as an AP, you want them to stop hurting you in order to counter those feelings of being worthless due to them treating you badly. Walking away from the person in order to stop the pain doesn't work because that just makes the pain worse. Yes, that is ridiculous to read but leaving a relationship that involves intermittent reinforcement is nigh-on impossible for an AP. The amount of shit I ate the last six weeks is beyond my comprehension, and I am an extremely self-aware AP. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 8, 2018 19:27:33 GMT
The question you are asking is if this person will reach out to you again. No one will be able to answer that question. If a break up is messy, I think the chances for friendship are diminished. I think the mistake is expecting someone to act the same after a break up as they were when they were with you. After a break up, there are no more obligations. He is free to contact his ex if he likes. If he is hurting you, it is your responsibility to yourself to protect yourself. Stop checking his social media and ask yourself why are you wondering if he will reach out again. What I don't understand is if a person is clearly hurting you, why do you want to remain in contact. "What I don't understand is if a person is clearly hurting you, why do you want to remain in contact." Because as an AP, you want them to stop hurting you in order to counter those feelings of being worthless due to them treating you badly. Walking away from the person in order to stop the pain doesn't work because that just makes the pain worse. Yes, that is ridiculous to read but leaving a relationship that involves intermittent reinforcement is nigh-on impossible for an AP. The amount of shit I ate the last six weeks is beyond my comprehension, and I am an extremely self-aware AP. This is extremely enlightening. I see how the opposite sides do not understand each other. For me, walking away from bad treatment (when I realize it's bad) is a relief. I can lick my wounds in private and I feel better. Looking back, it makes me sad that I have probably created these feelings in an AP. I had no idea and I am only starting to understand now how the trap really works. |
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Post by kristyrose on Feb 8, 2018 19:50:02 GMT
The question you are asking is if this person will reach out to you again. No one will be able to answer that question. If a break up is messy, I think the chances for friendship are diminished. I think the mistake is expecting someone to act the same after a break up as they were when they were with you. After a break up, there are no more obligations. He is free to contact his ex if he likes. If he is hurting you, it is your responsibility to yourself to protect yourself. Stop checking his social media and ask yourself why are you wondering if he will reach out again. What I don't understand is if a person is clearly hurting you, why do you want to remain in contact. "What I don't understand is if a person is clearly hurting you, why do you want to remain in contact." Because as an AP, you want them to stop hurting you in order to counter those feelings of being worthless due to them treating you badly. Walking away from the person in order to stop the pain doesn't work because that just makes the pain worse. Yes, that is ridiculous to read but leaving a relationship that involves intermittent reinforcement is nigh-on impossible for an AP. The amount of shit I ate the last six weeks is beyond my comprehension, and I am an extremely self-aware AP. x0ff, thank you for this! This is a really great explanation how we AP's get trapped. We know logically the person is hurting us, intentionally or not, but the pain is so intense that the only way we see a relief is for the very one who caused it, to take it away. I know it sounds very masochistic and it is, but that is what we have to fight against. We have to realize we can soothe our own pain by WALKING AWAY- its just that it feels counterintuitive and doesn't soothe the abandoned child in us. That is why my ex ignoring me is so painful and all I want is for him to reach out again- even though logically i know this will resolve nothing and is a temporary relief. |
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Post by yasmin on Feb 8, 2018 20:00:09 GMT
As an FA we also experience that. It just doesn't last as long and We switch it off. But I know how it feels and it us completely out of control and agonising. I don't think you're capable of logic when you're in an anxious attachment state
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Post by kristyrose on Feb 8, 2018 20:40:41 GMT
As an FA we also experience that. It just doesn't last as long and We switch it off. But I know how it feels and it us completely out of control and agonising. I don't think you're capable of logic when you're in an anxious attachment state Indeed Yasmin. Logic is nowhere to be found while in the anxious state. Honestly all morning I've been fighting it. I'm in it now and can tell you that I desperately want some relief and the only relief i see is if my ex would reach out- anything at this point to calm me. Physically my heart is racing, its hard to concentrate, I feel a bit dissociated from myself, I feel overwhelmed and the worst is the negative self-talk I'm trying to stop. All I can do is wait for it to pass, I do know it will, and avoid thinking of my ex as much as possible, along with stopping myself from creating stories. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 8, 2018 20:42:14 GMT
"What I don't understand is if a person is clearly hurting you, why do you want to remain in contact." Because as an AP, you want them to stop hurting you in order to counter those feelings of being worthless due to them treating you badly. Walking away from the person in order to stop the pain doesn't work because that just makes the pain worse. Yes, that is ridiculous to read but leaving a relationship that involves intermittent reinforcement is nigh-on impossible for an AP. The amount of shit I ate the last six weeks is beyond my comprehension, and I am an extremely self-aware AP. This is extremely enlightening. I see how the opposite sides do not understand each other. For me, walking away from bad treatment (when I realize it's bad) is a relief. I can lick my wounds in private and I feel better. Looking back, it makes me sad that I have probably created these feelings in an AP. I had no idea and I am only starting to understand now how the trap really works. It feels like walking away from them is confirming that you deserved to be treated badly, when you just want that person - whom you probably still love, even if it's a twisted addiction - to stop hurting you. If they stop hurting you, then you feel like you've got some value [to them] Now, if you really want to complicate matters further, imagine that you know they are FA, and you can't bring yourself to stand up to their treatment because you know they can't help it. So you eat it all up, and you tell them you love them anyway. They now have their own confirmation that your "love" is not real love because why on earth are you eating their garbage so willingly - and this lowers their respect for you further. As an AP, you can see this happening before your eyes and you feel even more worthless. Continue the cycle until death or nervous breakdown. I am still deeply traumatized from all of this but I can still see it objectively for what it is, but I still wake up craving her love every day, all day. Update: For what it's worth, my relationship was just shy of six months with my ex-FA, and the first three months were pretty good although I ignored (was ignorant of) all the warning signs. I cannot imagine what it must be like to deal with this like some of you, for years on end. |
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Post by kristyrose on Feb 8, 2018 20:45:52 GMT
It feels like walking away from them is confirming that you deserved to be treated badly, when you just want that person - whom you probably still love, even if it's a twisted addiction - to stop hurting you. If they stop hurting you, then you feel like you've got some value [to them] Now, if you really want to complicate matters further, imagine that you know they are FA, and you can't bring yourself to stand up to their treatment because you know they can't help it. So you eat it all up, and you tell them you love them anyway. They now have their own confirmation that your "love" is not real love because why on earth are you eating their garbage so willingly - and this lowers their respect for you further. As an AP, you can see this happening before your eyes and you feel even more worthless. Continue the cycle until death or nervous breakdown. I am still deeply traumatized from all of this but I can still see it objectively for what it is, but I still wake up craving her love every day, all day. x0ff, WOW I so understand and feel you on this one. I'm sending you a hug because that is exactly how I feel and how my relationship felt. Today all I feel is that he must think I'm a pathetic loser. Yesterday I was able to be more objectively but today I can recognize I am just hurting badly. I hope we both find some relief soon... |
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Post by devastated on Feb 21, 2018 10:00:59 GMT
Hi! I'm just learning about attachment types in detail. I'm AP and I think my ex is FA. We broke up after 5 years on December 23rd because we were fighting constantly and the fights only kept getting worse (basically I needed more communication and closeness he needed more space, more understanding of his lack of communication). We lived together so I offered he stay with me through the end of January or until he found a place. I also hoped we could work things out and he would stay. He found a place he could move into the 2nd week of January but chose to stay with me until the end of the month. When I asked him why, he just answered "because i'm a punk" and hugged me . I know this break up was hard on him but him choosing to stay through January messed with my head because he was here but he would get distant, sleep on the couch, get awkward around me until I told him that if he wanted to be here he needed to actually be here or it would make it all harder on me...if that makes sense :/. Long story short....I unfollowed/blocked him on social media accounts because I have a tendency to check it a lot when we aren't talking and he did the same (his accounts are public though). 2 days after I helped him move out and we said our goodbyes I checked his social media (lack of self-control) and saw he started following his ex I had asked him to unfollow when we were together because it made me uncomfortable that he claimed they were just friends but then told me how she came onto him in their conversations...I was so upset and finally called him to confront him several days later. I basically kept asking if he understood how much it hurt that he did that especially knowing me/my insecurities and asked if he was already talking to her and he said yes that he had talked to her about 2 days ago because they were just friends...I felt like he was saying he was finally free without using those words. It was messy and definitely made him feel attacked and he has basically started ignoring me but won't block my number like I asked him to. I'm trying to go no contact and start working on my healing/AP issues but do really love him and hate feeling like I ruined any chances of us being friends in the future. My question is after a messy breakup like that does an FA ever reach out again? |
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Post by devastated on Feb 21, 2018 10:09:02 GMT
It feels like walking away from them is confirming that you deserved to be treated badly, when you just want that person - whom you probably still love, even if it's a twisted addiction - to stop hurting you. If they stop hurting you, then you feel like you've got some value [to them] Now, if you really want to complicate matters further, imagine that you know they are FA, and you can't bring yourself to stand up to their treatment because you know they can't help it. So you eat it all up, and you tell them you love them anyway. They now have their own confirmation that your "love" is not real love because why on earth are you eating their garbage so willingly - and this lowers their respect for you further. As an AP, you can see this happening before your eyes and you feel even more worthless. Continue the cycle until death or nervous breakdown. I am still deeply traumatized from all of this but I can still see it objectively for what it is, but I still wake up craving her love every day, all day. Update: For what it's worth, my relationship was just shy of six months with my ex-FA, and the first three months were pretty good although I ignored (was ignorant of) all the warning signs. I cannot imagine what it must be like to deal with this like some of you, for years on end. |
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Post by devastated on Feb 21, 2018 10:16:19 GMT
of his ex girlfriend. Hi! I'm just learning about attachment types in detail. I'm AP and I think my ex is FA. We broke up after 5 years on December 23rd because we were fighting constantly and the fights only kept getting worse (basically I needed more communication and closeness he needed more space, more understanding of his lack of communication). We lived together so I offered he stay with me through the end of January or until he found a place. I also hoped we could work things out and he would stay. He found a place he could move into the 2nd week of January but chose to stay with me until the end of the month. When I asked him why, he just answered "because i'm a punk" and hugged me . I know this break up was hard on him but him choosing to stay through January messed with my head because he was here but he would get distant, sleep on the couch, get awkward around me until I told him that if he wanted to be here he needed to actually be here or it would make it all harder on me...if that makes sense :/. Long story short....I unfollowed/blocked him on social media accounts because I have a tendency to check it a lot when we aren't talking and he did the same (his accounts are public though). 2 days after I helped him move out and we said our goodbyes I checked his social media (lack of self-control) and saw he started following his ex I had asked him to unfollow when we were together because it made me uncomfortable that he claimed they were just friends but then told me how she came onto him in their conversations...I was so upset and finally called him to confront him several days later. I basically kept asking if he understood how much it hurt that he did that especially knowing me/my insecurities and asked if he was already talking to her and he said yes that he had talked to her about 2 days ago because they were just friends...I felt like he was saying he was finally free without using those words. It was messy and definitely made him feel attacked and he has basically started ignoring me but won't block my number like I asked him to. I'm trying to go no contact and start working on my healing/AP issues but do really love him and hate feeling like I ruined any chances of us being friends in the future. My question is after a messy breakup like that does an FA ever reach out again? And would me laying it all out there about how I feel ect freak a FA out? |
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Post by yasmin on Feb 21, 2018 12:08:22 GMT
devastatedMy ex FA once asked me to go on vacation with him, started planning it excitedly and then disappeared on me for over four months without a word. He eventually contacted me and apologised, but when we got back together he did kind of keep doing the same thing. FA can freak out in all sorts of different ways...I am FA and I often freak out when I first start dating people and dump them for no reason, but once dating I am fine. Each one is different. Your ex sounds like he is the type to disappear / come back and I promise you that this is PAINFUL. You can't change it, he's going to cycle you in and out of it.
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Post by kristyrose on Feb 21, 2018 18:20:34 GMT
Hi there, I have recently joined this forum. It’s amaz to read everyone’s insight to FA. As I’ve only just become aware of it. As I explained in another post my FA boyfriend just vanished 2 weeks ago. The night before we were planning a overseas holiday. We had also just returned from a two day break together. Our first getaway. I could feel he was starting to pull away and becoming short over the phone. I’d been rather patient with him over the last 4 months. But I was getting over the cancellation last minute. Anyway he has not contacted me in two weeks today. Two days ago I sent him a text saying everything I wanted to say. As I never had the chance to voice my feelings. How long has everyone’s FA held up the no contact for?? Or do they all just disappear into the night never to return. I’m my FAs first Girlfriend in two years. Since the suicide of his ex girlfriend. Hi! I'm just learning about attachment types in detail. I'm AP and I think my ex is FA. We broke up after 5 years on December 23rd because we were fighting constantly and the fights only kept getting worse (basically I needed more communication and closeness he needed more space, more understanding of his lack of communication). We lived together so I offered he stay with me through the end of January or until he found a place. I also hoped we could work things out and he would stay. He found a place he could move into the 2nd week of January but chose to stay with me until the end of the month. When I asked him why, he just answered "because i'm a punk" and hugged me . I know this break up was hard on him but him choosing to stay through January messed with my head because he was here but he would get distant, sleep on the couch, get awkward around me until I told him that if he wanted to be here he needed to actually be here or it would make it all harder on me...if that makes sense :/. Long story short....I unfollowed/blocked him on social media accounts because I have a tendency to check it a lot when we aren't talking and he did the same (his accounts are public though). 2 days after I helped him move out and we said our goodbyes I checked his social media (lack of self-control) and saw he started following his ex I had asked him to unfollow when we were together because it made me uncomfortable that he claimed they were just friends but then told me how she came onto him in their conversations...I was so upset and finally called him to confront him several days later. I basically kept asking if he understood how much it hurt that he did that especially knowing me/my insecurities and asked if he was already talking to her and he said yes that he had talked to her about 2 days ago because they were just friends...I felt like he was saying he was finally free without using those words. It was messy and definitely made him feel attacked and he has basically started ignoring me but won't block my number like I asked him to. I'm trying to go no contact and start working on my healing/AP issues but do really love him and hate feeling like I ruined any chances of us being friends in the future. My question is after a messy breakup like that does an FA ever reach out again? And would me laying it all out there about how I feel ect freak a FA out? Hi Devastated, I'm so sorry to hear you are going through all of this. It is so painful, believe me I know as does everyone on this forum. This is a good place to be. As far as FA's reaching out again, Yasmin is exactly right. We both have experience with ex FA's who keep cycling back to us, over and over. It gives false hope and it also is a very painful process. Mine dumped me back in April of last year, but we have cycled back and forth since then, which means we have been doing this for almost a year! Neither one of us really letting go. Lots of fights, me thinking we were back together, him saying we are not, gas lighting me, etc. It is NOT a good idea to keep engaging with your ex. If you can try it, NC is the absolute best way to start. I have done it a few times, admittedly it is hard and I have contacted him or he has contacted me and I give in. It only delays the pain. NC gives you some room to process, grieve and take care of yourself. Read this forum a lot and if you haven't read Jeb's book, it sheds light on this dynamic and unfortunately gives a cold wake-up to the AP/FA/DA dynamic. Another book, Attached, is a great read as well and can give you insight. Another thing I do, is when I feel compelled to reach out to my ex, I just text another friend or come on here. And keep busy! We are here for you. |
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