How do you look at your partner? | Jeb Kinnison Attachment Type Forum

dann98
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Posts: 32

How do you look at your partner? Feb 10, 2018 9:50:28 GMT

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Post by dann98 on Feb 10, 2018 9:50:28 GMT

Being aware of attachment styles of both me and my partner (which are probably both FA), and reading a lot on the forums and on attachment in general, I start seeing my girlfriend more as a literal "object" of attachment rather than a human being. I view the relationship methodically, solely based on attachment and I'm starting to overlook the human part of the relationship. Everything she does / says I'm filtering through my perceived image of her attachment style. I don't think this is very healthy, especially for people which are more preoccupied with the relationships.

For instance, I know she's FA, so I am convinced she is not stable, ready to leave the relationship at the slightest trigger, so I am ever vigilant for that trigger and trying to defend myself by distancing unconsciously. For instance, I'm not as attentive to our conversations, don't feel connected and don't take genuine interest in them because I don't think she's actually interested in talking, she's just making conversation for the sake of it and she's about to leave anyway.

Point is, I'm probably overlooking intimacy as it happens by being ever vigilant of her attachment and I have the conviction that her, being avoidant, is always on the lookout for something negative in me and she's just looking for ways out.

leavethelighton
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How do you look at your partner? Mar 2, 2018 1:10:23 GMT

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Post by leavethelighton on Mar 2, 2018 1:10:23 GMT

That sounds like a challenging dynamic. I think one way to improve it would be if you could be at a place where you could consciously and verbally acknowledge what is happening and give each other the reassurances you need. But, I think most couples aren't able to do that, at last not without the help of a skilled therapist.

Deleted
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How do you look at your partner? Apr 5, 2018 7:00:57 GMT

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Post by Deleted on Apr 5, 2018 7:00:57 GMT

Hmm..that's not really helpful, as it seems like it could become a self-fulfilling prophesy. As long as you both do have a relationship together, why not focus on the good, be present for each other, and that might become its own successful, self-fulfilling prophesy?

Deleted
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How do you look at your partner? Apr 5, 2018 12:54:27 GMT

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Post by Deleted on Apr 5, 2018 12:54:27 GMT

I'm so glad you mentioned this - at the beginning of dating my last person, I was doing an essay on attachment for uni, and I was telling him about it and he took the 'attached' quiz on the website for the book by Levine and Heller. His result came back as 'avoidant'. From then on, the dynamic got kind of weird, because strangely, I became also quite avoidant (I'm FA, but tend to pick avoidants which makes me turn AP before eventually turning FA on them after enough "tries" to get my needs met, which of course, don't get met). I tried my very best not to be batty AP with this partner, but found myself "keeping busy" and never calling him first etc. Eventually our "situation" felt so... empty... such a vast space between us, like a vacuum. I'd get one text from him, and a call at night. I didn't feel confident enough to initiate because I didn't want him to start avoiding. Eventually I became AP, and things spiralled. So, knowing about theory did fuck with the dynamic and make things weird... but on some level that was better... but it didn't save the relationship, it just made me incongruent.