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Post by goldilocks on Feb 10, 2018 18:04:31 GMT
Hello everyone!
I'm a woman in my mid thirties who tested as DA in my late teens and secure in my late twenties.
My issues likely stem from my childhood as I know my father had very little empathy and has neglected me when I was a toddler.
Over the years I have done a lot of self improvement work on my own and I feel I have mostly healed from the trauma, but some patterns remain.
When I read the descriptions of bahaviours and deactivating strategies, I can still recognize myself in some of these, yet at a milder level.
I would say I am overall very functional and a healthy, yet reserved and private person.
In a love situation, I do feel tense sometimes when intimacy increases, but when taking things slowly can quite appreciate romance.
While I very much enjoy my life alone and have warm friendships I do wish I could form a mutually satisfying intimate relationship with greater grace and ease.
Hence, I have chosen to start therapy and to reach out to others facing a similar situation.
Practices that have worked for me include:
Recognizing the needs that went unmet in my childhood and meeting them for myself.
Working a bit less.
Making a point of doing small acts of kindness.
Contacting friends and family on a regular basis.
Keeping a gratitude journal.
I'm here to share experiences and work towards greater security.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 10, 2018 19:26:21 GMT
Welcome goldilocks! I hope you find this forum useful. I test DA and I am sure I have been most of my life, but am working towards greater security.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 10, 2018 21:15:59 GMT
welcome! I am DA testing now right on be border with secure, having done a ton of suffering and work to get here lol.
glad you’re here.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 12, 2018 0:45:33 GMT
i'm mid forties woman, dismissive in romantic relationships, but working with a therapist toward secure attachment. i have no idea if it will work because i don't know if i want to change how i am. i can't imagine being different and i always hoped i could just find a partner that is ok with that. i guess not. actually, i'm not ok with it because it makes me choose the wrong partners. it's confusing. i don't even know what it all means yet. so i have just decided to put my head down and do some things that are suggested to see what comes up for me.
i am not currently involved in a relationship.
i've been doing some deep work with inner child stuff actually, because my last relationship was very painful and i didn't understand why it affected me differently than others.
anyway, i've been reading this support section and find it pretty refreshing to see women with the same issues.
i feel like i fit a "dude" stereotype in some ways concerning relationships. i know it isn't about gender- but stereotypes exist nonetheless.
i'm extremely independent emotionally and have always felt on the outside looking in, and understanding dismissive attachment helps me see why.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 12, 2018 3:11:33 GMT
@muppet, Welcome! I am glad you are here. I relate to your dude stereotype as I have been told by many that I have a "man's brain". I hope you stick around. I have learned so much here.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 12, 2018 3:38:06 GMT
thank you @mary.
i'm looking forward to batting some things around with some other avoidants.
just getting my feet wet. glad to be here.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 12, 2018 3:42:10 GMT
@muppet, Welcome! I am glad you are here. I relate to your dude stereotype as I have been told by many that I have a "man's brain". I hope you stick around. I have learned so much here. oh and the dude thing.... hahaha! i've been told i'm intimidating but that kind of takes me aback. it discourages me because i have a big heart and i just am direct and i see myself as a strong person, but not an intimidating person. but culturally i think strong women are labeled negatively, it's a whole 'nother conversation that just makes me roll my eyes so let's skip it haha. it is what it is. |
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Post by leavethelighton on Mar 17, 2018 23:48:42 GMT
@muppet, Welcome! I am glad you are here. I relate to your dude stereotype as I have been told by many that I have a "man's brain". I was told the "man's brain" thing too once, by the person on earth I had the most feelings for... It was very painful at the time. I wanted to shout out "But really it's the opposite!" but instead I said nothing. And isn't it sad that that's how society thinks of men... |
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Post by Deleted on Mar 17, 2018 23:54:28 GMT
yeah, me too!
but i took it as a compliment because it was meant as one.
lol.
i am very feminine also in some ways too so how confusing is all this? hah.
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Post by goldilocks on Mar 18, 2018 8:55:19 GMT
I think there are many aspects of femininity and masculinity, plus our culture associates certain things with women that are not due to biology per se.
Women are not always clingy and men are not always reserved; but it is a popular Hollywood trope.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 18, 2018 20:40:39 GMT
I think there are many aspects of femininity and masculinity, plus our culture associates certain things with women that are not due to biology per se. Women are not always clingy and men are not always reserved; but it is a popular Hollywood agreed. its just noticeable when you defy certain expections, traditional roles i guess. i grew up in a disorienting environment and i guess the best way i has to understand what was "normal" was to look around the world and try to make sense of things as they are portrayed. big mistake , it turns out. it's weird out there too! |
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Post by Deleted on Mar 18, 2018 21:08:25 GMT
I think there are many aspects of femininity and masculinity, plus our culture associates certain things with women that are not due to biology per se. Women are not always clingy and men are not always reserved; but it is a popular Hollywood agreed. its just noticeable when you defy certain expections, traditional roles i guess. i grew up in a disorienting environment and i guess the best way i has to understand what was "normal" was to look around the world and try to make sense of things as they are portrayed. big mistake , it turns out. it's weird out there too! The older I get, the more I think there is no "normal". Everyone I meet that I think is normal at first, always has some secret. |
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Post by Deleted on Mar 18, 2018 21:17:45 GMT
agreed. its just noticeable when you defy certain expections, traditional roles i guess. i grew up in a disorienting environment and i guess the best way i has to understand what was "normal" was to look around the world and try to make sense of things as they are portrayed. big mistake , it turns out. it's weird out there too! The older I get, the more I think there is no "normal". Everyone I meet that I think is normal at first, always has some secret. exactly. what i have come to, is that the best i can do is to understand myself and be true to that, and not model my life after any particular idea or person. well, i mean i do want to become a wiser and better person overall for myself and others. but what that looks like , i find as i go. i can't look to someone else to show me because we are all so different with different influences. I happen to think that people, humans, are capable of great good if we apply ourselves to the task of unmasking ourselves and taking care of our own deficiencies. it's just a life long process and i don't think it ever ends. we all have different challenges. things are better for me than they used to be so that's good. i'm not going the wrong direction, in the big picture, as far as i can tell. my life has become more abundant and peaceful. that's good enough. i'll just keep going. |
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Post by mrob on Mar 20, 2018 12:23:12 GMT
One thing I heard which I think of regularly is that I can’t judge my insides on other people’s outsides. They’re not revealing their cards, and that’s if they know what they have to begin with!
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Post by Deleted on Mar 20, 2018 18:18:25 GMT
One thing I heard which I think of regularly is that I can’t judge my insides on other people’s outsides. They’re not revealing their cards, and that’s if they know what they have to begin with! i have heard that and reminded myself and others of that a lot!!! |
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