Is it me or is there really something wrong?

Morning osemka8 -

I have not looked through other people's responses, but to be frank, this pattern you describe sounds like a combination of both of you.  Several of these comments sound like tests from her coming from a place that of concern that she feels you can't handle her or are not masculine and 'unbothered' enough.  Personally, I would just set limits with some of these issues and NOT discuss them, nor end it with a threat, and generally pull back and take more control.  Your desire to discuss things is your need to feel connected and valued, which with this person is seen as weak due to her own insecurity.  For instance, say or do the following:


- "I'm not sure why you keep bringing up your ex-BF but Im not here to work out you issues with your past relationships..."
- "I don't like how you are talking to me...  I won't tolerate you not treating me with respect..."
- Be decisive and unwavering about things you are doing or in committing to activities, within reason...  if she can't commit in a reasonable time go and do something else
- Don't change you opinions for her
--->>>  I think she will get angry in response initially, which you will have to tolerate, but she may fall in line if it's not too far into your relationship 


I think she is sensing that you have more emotional needs, which may undermine her attraction and respect.  She clearly has substantial psychological issues, but some of these behaviors would likely diminish if you yourself were emotionally unavailable and less sensitive and then she would open up.  You are asking too much of this person given who she is.  She needs to be with someone fairly narcissistic and unavailable, the way she is but more so.  You want the relationship more than she does, while she is supposed to be the vulnerable one in her eyes.

Does any of that ring true?  Thats my read.

I agree that OP is not recognizing his contribution and in some ways, is the avoidant in this scenario. I re-read the original post and I see her looking for a lot of reassurance and she's not getting it. Perhaps she the tries to "push the envelope" further?


I also see:

OP says she never talks about her emotions, yet she said she was devastated by her last break up and cried and is hurt when he doesn't respond the way she is expecting
- seems incongruous
OP is "keeping score"

OP does not want to commit, yet wants her to be accountable to him
OP devalues her- she says "downright stupid stuff"
OP checks when she logs into FB

I see a war for control, not an intimate relationship, but of course, I only see what is in the post. 

You need to re-read my post.
I didn't say anything about you not calming her down.
My point is you said she NEVER talks about her emotions, but you also pointed out instances where she did talk about her emotions.  You just didn't like the topic.
I understand you are not willing to commit to a relationship that you aren't happy with, but on the other hand, if you are not committed to her, what obligation does she have to be accountable to you?  You noted how she has alone time for the day or doesn't log in to FB.  It seems to me you want her to be accountable to you, but you are not committed.  It's a uncertain place to be for both.
You are right, you don't need justify anything to me.  You came here looking for input.  I am giving you mine.  You don't have to like it or agree.

Dear osemka8 -

I dont know if that is a plural you of "any reason you are accusing me of all these things" and is referring to all of us?  if so...

I just get the sense that this relationship is making you insecure and you are pushing you need for validation and some support of your self-esteem onto this partner (only some), which is the classic Anxious-Avoidant manuever (or Fearful-Avoidant when pushed to the anxious side) that many do and then blame it on the more dismissive partner.  And this is what the dismissive avoidant partner gets indignant over and then appears insensitive towards, when in fact their value system and boundaries are different with regards to managing ones needs.  It is all meant to be helpful for you to take stock in your own projected needs and propensity for skirting accountability and thus not sabotaging a relationship due to them.  Many of us have been there.