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Post by Deleted on Feb 12, 2018 19:56:55 GMT
i offered information to my ex that might help him and then never mentioned it again, it’s not my business.
he was thankful.
to try to assist him (as my ex) would be somewhat controlling and detrimental to my own recovery as i am focusing on myself.
and if he asked me to help him i would say talk to your therapist. i am a partner, (EX PARTNER!! ) not a therapist.
it’s about balance and boundaries and knowing what is mine and what is not.
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Post by goldilocks on Feb 12, 2018 19:57:57 GMT
My ex has asked me what kind of therapy/ counselling etc would be helpful for him and I am at a complete loss as to what to recommend. I have benefited hugely from mindfulness based training and gradual increasing self awareness but don't have the abusive background that he has. My standard answer (yes it is so avoidant.....) is that this is his journey and something he himself needs to explore - but even so, since he's asked, I would like to help. Tell him that you admire his ability to ask for help. If he is avoidant, that is not an easy thing to do. Mindfulness is good for everyone do deal more effectively with the general stresses that life has to offer. If your baseline is fairly relaxed, you can handle more. It also helps decrease the impact of stress inducing situations, such as, for an avoidant, a partner getting too close too soon. A specific form of mindfulness is learning to feel and voice the physical sensation that you experience in a triggering situation so that you can contemplate them and connect them to emotions. Learning to distinguish between the different emotions so that you may be able to accurately describe how you feel, either in the moment or after a few hours of introspection or maybe realizing it a few days later. If he has had an abusive childhood, he can write down what he has experienced. Perhaps at first in factual terms. If at some point he can realise what he has lacked as a child, what need has gone unmet or what part of the little boy has gone unexpressed, and feel compassion for that little boy; it would be very healing. A therapist coulp help him work with this. For me, personally, being able to cry for the little girl who did not get protected has helped me reclaim the part of me that needs protection. This has made me a more whole and compassionate person with boundaries that are stronger yet less rigid. Keeping a gratitude journal helps us look to the better side of other people. I think this helps curb tendencies to deactivate by listing negative qualities in your head. Similarly, giving 3 compliments every day trains you to look to people's best side and helps you express appreciation. Maybe invite him to this forum? |
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Post by goldilocks on Feb 12, 2018 20:08:55 GMT
Thank you for that Tgat I am of the same opinion and I absolutely think that it serves all of us to take responsibility for our own lives and own healing. Aomw of our mutual friends think that I am being less than supportive of him - that I am being stubborn. In all honesty I believe I have better boundaries than previously and won't take responsibility for his issues - particularly not at the expense of my own wellbeing. Surely this is sanity not unkindness!? You need not enlist yourself as someone else's therapist. That said if someone is willing to take ownership of his own healing work, it is a small effort to give a link or a phonenumber that may be helpful. But if he is asking to be served a program tailored to him, that is somthing only he can provide for himself. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 12, 2018 20:16:54 GMT
i agree, a small gesture with helpful info is one thing, beyond that, i myself don’t get involved.
i shared a link for attachment theory with my ex and left it at that.
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Post by ocarina on Feb 12, 2018 20:56:52 GMT
Thank you both for your replies. I do think it's brave of him to ask but I still very firmly believe that it's not my role to be his therapist - I did introduce him to meditation and mindfulness which he found very helpful - but this was as a rub off from my own practice rather than a suggestion to help him.
When we broke up I told him firmly that it was his responsibility to deal with his own issues - and that whilst the relationship was both of our business, I couldn't solve his problems - the behaviours that had come up again and again in our relationship and in all his past ones.
He is an intelligent adult and i think it's only respectful to trust him enough to do his own work - or not, as the case may be. Anything else - even pointing him in the direction of resources etc seems to me to be subtly manipulative and not to be allowing him his own growth.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 12, 2018 22:27:16 GMT
Thank you both for your replies. I do think it's brave of him to ask but I still very firmly believe that it's not my role to be his therapist - I did introduce him to meditation and mindfulness which he found very helpful - but this was as a rub off from my own practice rather than a suggestion to help him. When we broke up I told him firmly that it was his responsibility to deal with his own issues - and that whilst the relationship was both of our business, I couldn't solve his problems - the behaviours that had come up again and again in our relationship and in all his past ones. He is an intelligent adult and i think it's only respectful to trust him enough to do his own work - or not, as the case may be. Anything else - even pointing him in the direction of resources etc seems to me to be subtly manipulative and not to be allowing him his own growth. i’m with you. my feeling is that when a relationship breaks, for me it’s healthiest to mind my own recovery and healing. i don’t respond positively to the fact that his friends are using negative terms to describe your disengagement from his process. it seems very manipulative to me. it is a little much to expect an ex partner to extend themselves that way. just my take. it’s emotionally confusing after a breakup, with grief and letting go and thoughts of reconciliation, whatever is going on in the individuals. there is lots of help available for someone who seeks it, there is no need to look to the ex for it. i found this place without my ex’s help just fine. also found a therapist and some other resources. no help from the ex. |
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Post by ocarina on Feb 12, 2018 22:53:20 GMT
Thank you both for your replies. I do think it's brave of him to ask but I still very firmly believe that it's not my role to be his therapist - I did introduce him to meditation and mindfulness which he found very helpful - but this was as a rub off from my own practice rather than a suggestion to help him. When we broke up I told him firmly that it was his responsibility to deal with his own issues - and that whilst the relationship was both of our business, I couldn't solve his problems - the behaviours that had come up again and again in our relationship and in all his past ones. He is an intelligent adult and i think it's only respectful to trust him enough to do his own work - or not, as the case may be. Anything else - even pointing him in the direction of resources etc seems to me to be subtly manipulative and not to be allowing him his own growth. i’m with you. my feeling is that when a relationship breaks, for me it’s healthiest to mind my own recovery and healing. i don’t respond positively to the fact that his friends are using negative terms to describe your disengagement from his process. it seems very manipulative to me. it is a little much to expect an ex partner to extend themselves that way. just my take. it’s emotionally confusing after a breakup, with grief and letting go and thoughts of reconciliation, whatever is going on in the individuals. there is lots of help available for someone who seeks it, there is no need to look to the ex for it. i found this place without my ex’s help just fine. also found a therapist and some other resources. no help from the ex. The friends are mutual ones - who seem to be clinging to the idea that we are made for each other and doing their best to "help" us along. Of course they didn't walk in our shoes and despite me explaining, they can't seem to grasp the fact that our relationship was damaging to me and that for him to change will take more than just making some more effort. I feel they are overstepping my boundaries - there are repeated invitations to social events for my ex and I, repeated prods to put our paths together. Really strange - and ~i don't know what it says about these people?! I have distanced myself from these people for the moment since it's not helpful - it just replays the situation over and over again. Whilst there is less information available for avoidants - we have the whole internet at our disposal and for those who want to heal it's all there - but it takes more than just reading or acknowledging concepts, it takes real hard painful work looking at the dark places we would rather avoid. I am proud I have reached this point in the journey and it is great to have people here in a similar position to share with. For me though the work is deeply personal and i don't think all the talking and therapy in the world would do for me what simply sitting with discomfort has done/ is doing. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 12, 2018 23:01:42 GMT
i’m with you. my feeling is that when a relationship breaks, for me it’s healthiest to mind my own recovery and healing. i don’t respond positively to the fact that his friends are using negative terms to describe your disengagement from his process. it seems very manipulative to me. it is a little much to expect an ex partner to extend themselves that way. just my take. it’s emotionally confusing after a breakup, with grief and letting go and thoughts of reconciliation, whatever is going on in the individuals. there is lots of help available for someone who seeks it, there is no need to look to the ex for it. i found this place without my ex’s help just fine. also found a therapist and some other resources. no help from the ex. The friends are mutual ones - who seem to be clinging to the idea that we are made for each other and doing their best to "help" us along. Of course they didn't walk in our shoes and despite me explaining, they can't seem to grasp the fact that our relationship was damaging to me and that for him to change will take more than just making some more effort. I feel they are overstepping my boundaries - there are repeated invitations to social events for my ex and I, repeated prods to put our paths together. Really strange - and ~i don't know what it says about these people?! I have distanced myself from these people for the moment since it's not helpful - it just replays the situation over and over again. Whilst there is less information available for avoidants - we have the whole internet at our disposal and for those who want to heal it's all there - but it takes more than just reading or acknowledging concepts, it takes real hard painful work looking at the dark places we would rather avoid. I am proud I have reached this point in the journey and it is great to have people here in a similar position to share with. For me though the work is deeply personal and i don't think all the talking and therapy in the world would do for me what simply sitting with discomfort has done/ is doing. Your friends are being disrespectful in my opinion. I am sure they are not intending it that way, but your decision is not their business. |
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Post by goldilocks on Feb 12, 2018 23:05:53 GMT
I agree. Why are the friends so invested in seeing the two of you back together?
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Post by Deleted on Feb 12, 2018 23:06:04 GMT
i’m with you. my feeling is that when a relationship breaks, for me it’s healthiest to mind my own recovery and healing. i don’t respond positively to the fact that his friends are using negative terms to describe your disengagement from his process. it seems very manipulative to me. it is a little much to expect an ex partner to extend themselves that way. just my take. it’s emotionally confusing after a breakup, with grief and letting go and thoughts of reconciliation, whatever is going on in the individuals. there is lots of help available for someone who seeks it, there is no need to look to the ex for it. i found this place without my ex’s help just fine. also found a therapist and some other resources. no help from the ex. The friends are mutual ones - who seem to be clinging to the idea that we are made for each other and doing their best to "help" us along. Of course they didn't walk in our shoes and despite me explaining, they can't seem to grasp the fact that our relationship was damaging to me and that for him to change will take more than just making some more effort. I feel they are overstepping my boundaries - there are repeated invitations to social events for my ex and I, repeated prods to put our paths together. Really strange - and ~i don't know what it says about these people?! I have distanced myself from these people for the moment since it's not helpful - it just replays the situation over and over again. Whilst there is less information available for avoidants - we have the whole internet at our disposal and for those who want to heal it's all there - but it takes more than just reading or acknowledging concepts, it takes real hard painful work looking at the dark places we would rather avoid. I am proud I have reached this point in the journey and it is great to have people here in a similar position to share with. For me though the work is deeply personal and i don't think all the talking and therapy in the world would do for me what simply sitting with discomfort has done/ is doing. i am proud of you to ocarina! i am proud of all of us. and yes, sitting with it is powerful. i hate what happened to me the other day (that i shared here ) but i am doing it. i am going through it. thanks or being here! |
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Post by leavethelighton on Feb 18, 2018 1:06:17 GMT
I actually think a lot of the self help books can be very helpful, but I don't think most people are always or only avoidant, AP, secure or whatever-- I think for many people there are repeated patterns of behavior, but it can also depend on the particular relationship/friendship as we move along the spectrum in response to the attachment style of the other person in question. For example, I tend to be more avoidant with an AP person, and more AP with an avoidant person.
In any case, this is part of why I like to recommend the Harville Hendrix/Helen Hunt books because they encourage one to look back over one's childhood and history to figure out why they are the way they are, and then how to heal that. I think they work well for people in all attachment styles who want to improve their relationships. They don't use the language of attachment styles like people do on this forum, but
I think their philosophy derives from the same place.
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Post by goldilocks on Feb 18, 2018 23:06:31 GMT
Which of their books do you recommend?
My history, in short, in that my father likely had NPD and I rejected him in my preteens.
I'm secure with secure people and still a litte avoidant with people who have AP tendencies.
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