Just Discovered Name for Him; Should I Just Leave? | Jeb Kinnison Attachment Type Forum

FedUp
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Just Discovered Name for Him; Should I Just Leave? Jul 14, 2016 0:47:58 GMT

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Post by FedUp on Jul 14, 2016 0:47:58 GMT

Hello!

I am new here, having just discovered the term "Dismissive-Avoidant" earlier today thanks to a tip from a friend who is a therapist. As I read through the articles on this site, I am blown away at how closely these behaviors resemble my husband of ten years. To recap our relationship in as few words as possible:

We started dating in graduate school and married shortly thereafter. I was very secure, busy, and happy at the time. He was charming, lived a fulfilling life, and seemed to be very affectionate and caring.
I can vividly recall that within a week of marriage, he began to make cruel remarks about things that I would say. For example, I might say that I liked something, and he would (almost angrily) say, "Well that's just stupid." The first time it happened, I was so taken aback by this seemingly out-of-character attack that I hid in the restaurant bathroom and cried.
I stupidly chalked a lot of our problems up to the adjustment of being married. He had only had one relationship before myself so he had basically lived alone for his entire adult life (he was 33). I thought he just needed time to adjust.
He often went through spells where he would become very distant for no apparent reason. He would stop cuddling me, touching me, and at times even refused to have sex with me. When I would address his rejection, he would act as if I were nuts and claim that it was all in my head. He could be very convincing and would turn the tables on me, telling me that I was excessively clingy and needy. (Note: I have never been accused of this in any other relationship). I knew for certain he wasn't cheating, but I couldn't pinpoint any other reason for his sudden cold spells. At one point I started marking things on a calendar, and he exploded when he found out that I was doing this. To him, this was more evidence that I was a lunatic, even though I had concrete proof that his denials (we had sex three times last week!) were absolutely false.
Over the years, when I would get angry to the point of leaving, or asking him to leave, or starting to distance myself from him, he would suddenly morph into the caring guy I fell in love with. He would once again become affectionate, talk to me about his feelings, etc. But it never lasted. The minute I would get comfortable with him, I would be ignored again. I have often told him that he only pays attention to me when I'm ignoring him, which he strongly denies to be true even though I'm certain it is.
When i try to calmly discuss my feelings with him, he will initially ignore me. Sometimes he will act as if I haven't spoken even though I'm certain he heard me word for word. If I say, "Dear!" to get his attention, he will raise his eyebrows as if he just now realized I am speaking.
Another tactic he uses is to change the subject. i might say, "I'd like to talk to you about something you said earlier that hurt my feelings..." he might respond with something like, "Did you read about that police chase on the news earlier?" He isn't doing it to be humorous though, he truly means it.
He is HIGHLY sensitive to criticism. If I convey any feelings of unhappiness with him, he will blow up with anger.
We finally made it to marriage counseling last year where I was able to air my grievances safely. I was honestly hoping this would save our marriage and that a professional could get him to open up and share his feelings. I had to initiate every conversation (as I expected would happen) and he was surprisingly honest about his behaviors and the things he had said and done during our disagreements. However, when the counselor would ask him why he did something, or what his thought process was when he did x, y, or z, he would simply say "I don't know." As always, he claimed that he loved me and never intended to hurt me, but on the same token he couldn't answer the WHYs of it all. The counselor finally came to the conclusion that due to childhood abuse (he was physically abused) that he just honestly may not know (a lot of good that does me!)
To make matters worse, he would often explode after our sessions, claiming that he never got the chance to speak (a lie) or that the counselor was taking my side. We eventually just quit going.

I'm sorry for the rambling, but I wanted to paint a full picture of what I'm dealing with here. In a nutshell, I am thinking that it's time to call it quits. The downside is that we have three children who adore him very much, and they will be devastated if we divorce (note: the counselor pointed out that he is caring and affectionate with the kids, which makes his behavior toward me seem intentional.) The first post I clicked on while on this forum was a "will he ever change" type post to which the answers were mostly "hell no." But I will ask again, is there any hope that people like my husband can change? If so, where do we begin?

Thanks for your time and help!

katy
Sticky Post Powers

Posts: 147

Just Discovered Name for Him; Should I Just Leave? Jul 14, 2016 3:42:26 GMT

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Post by katy on Jul 14, 2016 3:42:26 GMT

Just a quick thought. Especially with young children and the trauma of breaking up a household, is it possible to just accept that you are married to a man who has a deep-seated emotional problem that prevents him from being a good husband? I'm not very familiar with AlAnon, but I think that their premise is that you learn to carry on a successful life around the alcoholic. Could you learn to appreciate that your children have a good father and create a happy life for yourself without expecting anything emotional from your husband? I guess I'm suggesting sort of turning him into a partner who helps care for the children and care for the house, but not your source of good feelings and emotional support.

My husband, who is not avoidant, has PTSD from the military, and has had on-going problems. He's basically a very kind, nice person, but at times it has been very sad and difficult to live with him. A good friend of mine has often reminded me that I can either decide to leave or I can learn to treasure the good days instead of dwelling on the bad days. Strangely, as I learned to stop expecting too much from my husband, he decided, on his own, to make some significant improvements in his life.

Only you can decide if the emotional damage caused by your husband is so severe that you have to get away from him or if you can learn to deal with his difficult personality without constantly being ripped apart. You could also choose to make a compromise decision and stay for now and leave later when your children are older. As you drop your expectations that your husband is going to be a support for you, you'll be able to be more clear about your best path forward.

Best wishes.

Katy

Jo
Guest

Just Discovered Name for Him; Should I Just Leave? Jul 14, 2016 5:35:54 GMT

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Post by Jo on Jul 14, 2016 5:35:54 GMT

Hi, I am in a long-term relationship (5 years) with.a DA who has narcissistic traits and intimacy issues centred on a fear of control. He is extremely self-aware, and has to deal with his issues, on a daily basis, using his own tried and trusted methods. Until he became self aware, probably about 8 years ago when he went into therapy after another relationship disaster, he exhibited some of the caustic behaviours you mention. He still has DA traits, but he has learnt enough social skills to know that he has to be a bit nicer about it. So he has mellowed, partly with age, partly by being self aware, and partly because of my tolerance and acceptance of him to a point, because I have healthy boundaries which are essential for me to stay in the relationship . But, and it's a big but, he fundamentally has not changed, and he never will, in respect to the wiring in his head. He just deals with it a lot better than he used to.

Only he can makes the necessary changes (perhaps adjustments is the better word) that you have asked about. He has to want to do it. You can change the way that you respond (or don't respond, which in itself is a response) to his patterns, and hopefully induce some change or at least response and adjustment.. As Katy says, it is about taking stock now.

By the way, couples therapy is not usually successful with this attachment type. Going on his own might be better - if he will do it. My partner became dismissive of his own therapist in the end, but to his credit, read copiously, journalled his thought and behaviour patterns and sort of worked it out. But he still lacks the necessary empathy sometimes, until gently reminded. In other words, it never goes away, and this is is something that you might have to accept when making your decisions about your future.

As a couple, we lave learned to tolerate and accept each other's needs and traits, but it has been hard, and is still not easy. Katy has given some good constructive advice.

Best wishes to you.

strong
New Member

Posts: 17

Just Discovered Name for Him; Should I Just Leave? Jul 21, 2016 0:39:53 GMT

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Post by strong on Jul 21, 2016 0:39:53 GMT

Hi, I'm new here too and just found out about the love avoidant classification. . My h fits every description and we've been through five therapists together over our fifteen year marriage. , I go alone and he had been going but his therapist moved to a different city so he's between therapists. I have given up. I really do not think at he is motivated to or going to change and I'm absolutely miserable. I want to live life and he wants to avoid it. He can't connect and I'm deeply lonely and sad so I guess I have no choice but to seek advice from a divorce lawyer.

I'm sorry you're going through this too and I hope that you find the best solution for you.