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Post by aisling on Feb 18, 2018 8:37:25 GMT
Maybe because you're becoming more aware of some of your underlying feelings, or just seeing some of your unconscious patters as more on the avoidant end so it hurts more? Maybe your feelings surface more easily now, and it isn't as easy to turn away from them? Maybe you feeling this is you growing out of what no longer serves you?
I feel you. though It hurts like hell to know you love someone, and that there are a lot of good things there, and a lot of reasons people do hurtful things that don't make them bad people...but you can't stay.
Some people break us open, and maybe there isn't a reason why... I thought of Elizabeth Gilbert's quote about soulmates, and maybe it will resonate with you:
“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.
A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.
A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master...”
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Post by Deleted on Feb 18, 2018 17:24:26 GMT
Maybe because you're becoming more aware of some of your underlying feelings, or just seeing some of your unconscious patters as more on the avoidant end so it hurts more? Maybe your feelings surface more easily now, and it isn't as easy to turn away from them? Maybe you feeling this is you growing out of what no longer serves you? I feel you. though It hurts like hell to know you love someone, and that there are a lot of good things there, and a lot of reasons people do hurtful things that don't make them bad people...but you can't stay. Some people break us open, and maybe there isn't a reason why... I thought of Elizabeth Gilbert's quote about soulmates, and maybe it will resonate with you: “People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave. A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master...” This is so beautiful, thank you. I have definitely been shaken this time to my core. I don't think either of us will ever be the same. I also don't think we can do the no contact. I am too attached to let go. I don't know what will come of this. |
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Post by kristyrose on Feb 18, 2018 17:40:55 GMT
Mary,
I went to the park yesterday, was sunny and cold and I let the sun watm my back as I sat and thought of how 3 weeks ago, even before my talk with the ex I thought I could not handle whatever was to come, but there I was just sitting and realizing I did make it through each day, each week by just taking it one day at a time.
Its ok if you cant do NC right now, or ever! Its ok if you dont know what to do. You will... and in the meantime just take it hr by hr, day by day.
We are all here for you while you do.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 18, 2018 18:00:36 GMT
Mary, I went to the park yesterday, was sunny and cold and I let the sun watm my back as I sat and thought of how 3 weeks ago, even before my talk with the ex I thought I could not handle whatever was to come, but there I was just sitting and realizing I did make it through each day, each week by just taking it one day at a time. Its ok if you cant do NC right now, or ever! Its ok if you dont know what to do. You will... and in the meantime just take it hr by hr, day by day. We are all here for you while you do. Thank you! At this moment, I am frozen, not sure which way to turn, but the time still passes. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 18, 2018 18:03:12 GMT
Maybe because you're becoming more aware of some of your underlying feelings, or just seeing some of your unconscious patters as more on the avoidant end so it hurts more? Maybe your feelings surface more easily now, and it isn't as easy to turn away from them? Maybe you feeling this is you growing out of what no longer serves you? I feel you. though It hurts like hell to know you love someone, and that there are a lot of good things there, and a lot of reasons people do hurtful things that don't make them bad people...but you can't stay. Some people break us open, and maybe there isn't a reason why... I thought of Elizabeth Gilbert's quote about soulmates, and maybe it will resonate with you: “People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave. A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master...” This is so beautiful, thank you. I have definitely been shaken this time to my core. I don't think either of us will ever be the same. I also don't think we can do the no contact. I am too attached to let go. I don't know what will come of this. there is a lot of deep truth in what aisling said, and that perspective has helped me through my process. ❤️❤️❤️ mary, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do, you get to walk it out and do it your way. you can stay open to the experience for how it can change you, grow you, and manifest whatever it will. I applaud your courage and honesty, and i am sure you will receive much support and love through the whole thing. just do what the next right thing feels like, you, will be ok. and you will come out with fractured things mended, within yourself and who knows, maybe in the relationship. who knows? big hugs. |
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Post by Jaeger on Feb 18, 2018 18:13:24 GMT
"The mind, once stretched by a new idea, never returns to its original dimensions."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Though the stretching can be very uncomfortable and even painful, I see it as a sign of progress. Keep going!
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Post by yasmin on Feb 18, 2018 18:22:32 GMT
As painful as this us @mary. .. don't you think being too attached to let go is really a beautiful thing?
As avoidants all we ever do is run away and let go. Sometimes finding something we've allowed ourselves to love so much that it trumps the desire to delete / ignore /avoid is a step to the vulnerability of being human.
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Post by ocarina on Feb 18, 2018 18:42:13 GMT
As painful as this us @mary . .. don't you think being too attached to let go is really a beautiful thing? As avoidants all we ever do is run away and let go. Sometimes finding something we've allowed ourselves to love so much that it trumps the desire to delete / ignore /avoid is a step to the vulnerability of being human. I often feel it's a relief to actually FEEL and it's certainly been part of the healing process. It's not comfortable Mary but it is beautiful in its own way. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 19, 2018 1:22:09 GMT
As painful as this us @mary . .. don't you think being too attached to let go is really a beautiful thing? As avoidants all we ever do is run away and let go. Sometimes finding something we've allowed ourselves to love so much that it trumps the desire to delete / ignore /avoid is a step to the vulnerability of being human. I want to say yes, but it's difficult to see right now. The paradox of love over self protection. It's a difficult one in my case. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 19, 2018 1:27:13 GMT
As painful as this us @mary . .. don't you think being too attached to let go is really a beautiful thing? As avoidants all we ever do is run away and let go. Sometimes finding something we've allowed ourselves to love so much that it trumps the desire to delete / ignore /avoid is a step to the vulnerability of being human. I want to say yes, but it's difficult to see right now. The paradox of love over self protection. It's a difficult one in my case. and certainly the presence of abuse in the bond makes the whole issue of attachment very murky and confusing. attachment to an abusive partner is never quite beautiful. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 19, 2018 1:42:48 GMT
Mary, for what it’s worth, I find that in some relationships the best things always come with the worst things... so giving up the best things to protect yourself from the worst things is kind of like a dissatisfying middle ground when we want the best things sooooo much. Thats how I feel about my relationships - the best ones I’ve had are also the worst I’ve had. What makes it good is also what makes it bad, and it’s so hard to accept that it is both as we reject the relationship for self preservation. It’s like rejecting it diminishes the value of the relationship and the good it brings to us - this in itself is painful.
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Post by kristyrose on Feb 19, 2018 5:29:52 GMT
I want to say yes, but it's difficult to see right now. The paradox of love over self protection. It's a difficult one in my case. and certainly the presence of abuse in the bond makes the whole issue of attachment very murky and confusing. attachment to an abusive partner is never quite beautiful. I get what yasmin and t are saying. I do. But I guess I also think of it as this: I love my ex still, but i'm grateful that I can love someone and feel the pain of loss and want to understand my attachment issues and keeping working... like ALL of us here and for that, I am grateful. I think you are growing leaps and bounds, Mary. It is beautiful just to know, you can love and you can feel, for better or worse. I love my ex more than many I have been with because I can see his pain even more clearly as I see my own. I would not trade that pain for anything. Keep going... you are brave and I really respect how you come here so vulnerable, when I know it is indeed so hard. |
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Post by mrob on Feb 19, 2018 6:30:02 GMT
What you’re showing here is hope, Mary. If it’s possible for you to move from where you were to an inkling of non dismissal, maybe it’s possible for me progress, too. That’s how this whole forum thing works. Brilliant.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 19, 2018 19:15:51 GMT
and certainly the presence of abuse in the bond makes the whole issue of attachment very murky and confusing. attachment to an abusive partner is never quite beautiful. I get what yasmin and t are saying. I do. But I guess I also think of it as this: I love my ex still, but i'm grateful that I can love someone and feel the pain of loss and want to understand my attachment issues and keeping working... like ALL of us here and for that, I am grateful. I think you are growing leaps and bounds, Mary. It is beautiful just to know, you can love and you can feel, for better or worse. I love my ex more than many I have been with because I can see his pain even more clearly as I see my own. I would not trade that pain for anything. Keep going... you are brave and I really respect how you come here so vulnerable, when I know it is indeed so hard. I definitely see where everyone is coming from. You don't know how many times I WANTED to be dumped so I could feel the pain of it. I know that sounds strange and awful, but it's true. I have been the "dumper" in every relationship, long or short, that I have ever had. In this case, I am still the dumper, but it's different. I feel the heavy loss. There was so much that was good about our relationship and we had a closeness I never had before. I appreciate everyone's support here. I don't know where this path will take me, but I do feel I have made a sprint here after all the baby steps. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 19, 2018 19:26:04 GMT
What you’re showing here is hope, Mary. If it’s possible for you to move from where you were to an inkling of non dismissal, maybe it’s possible for me progress, too. That’s how this whole forum thing works. Brilliant. , I can say this relationship has shaken my core so much that I know it's what I needed even with all the pains it came with. Yes, you will make progress. I have been exactly where you are. I thought I could logically take it all in, but that the emotions would never follow to where it actually would become real change. I now can see some light and I know that you will too. |
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