katy
Sticky Post Powers
Posts: 147 
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Post by katy on Jul 16, 2016 2:42:04 GMT
I'm on the e-mail list from Jim Hall, a counselor who has some interesting articles about avoidants on his Web site. Here's the article which arrived today which contains a list of twelve strategies that avoidants use to avoid intimacy:
www.loveaddictionhelp.com/12_distancing_strategies_the_love_avoidant_uses_to_avoid_intimacy
He provides some interesting details about how avoidants treat people from the beginning to the end of a relationship. I thought that the article summarized many of the things that people have mentioned on this forum.
Katy
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Post by strong on Jul 20, 2016 5:05:48 GMT
Hi Katy,
Thank you very much for sharing this article. Everything he wrote about really resonated with me and gaining knowledge like this is so encouraging. I'm a new member here, I just joined tonight and am so glad I found this forum.
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katy
Sticky Post Powers
Posts: 147
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Post by katy on Jul 20, 2016 15:18:52 GMT
I'm glad you liked the article. I found the article very illuminating. Because I didn't really viscerally understand the avoidant rejection process that was outlined in the article, I know that I spent too much time trying to figure out why the avoidant turned on me. I had no idea why he suddenly, with no logical provocation, started treating me as a hated enemy. I really was blind-sided and kept trying to figure out what had happened.
The article made it very clear that avoidants interact with other people according to pretty defined sequence of events and that their relationships are normally going to progress from somewhat elusive approval to hatred and scorn. The article also made it clear that it's not your fault and that there's nothing that you can do to change the avoidant's rejecting behaviors.
I really benefitted from the article and I'm glad that you did also.
Best wishes,
Katy
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Post by strong on Jul 20, 2016 15:52:17 GMT
I'm glad you liked the article. I found the article very illuminating. Because I didn't really viscerally understand the avoidant rejection process that was outlined in the article, I know that I spent too much time trying to figure out why the avoidant turned on me. I had no idea why he suddenly, with no logical provocation, started treating me as a hated enemy. I really was blind-sided and kept trying to figure out what had happened.
The article made it very clear that avoidants interact with other people according to pretty defined sequence of events and that their relationships are normally going to progress from somewhat elusive approval to hatred and scorn. The article also made it clear that it's not your fault and that there's nothing that you can do to change the avoidant's rejecting behaviors.
I really benefitted from the article and I'm glad that you did also.
Best wishes,
Katy
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Post by strong on Jul 20, 2016 15:55:47 GMT
It was extremely helpful and I could relate to everything in it. It's like it was written for me. I just found this article suzannerucker.com/the-love-avoidant/Again, I can relate to it all in Suzanne's post as well. Being in a relationship like this really messes with your mind. At least I feel less crazy and I'm not alone. Knowing I can't change anything, I've got to make an exit plan. Thanks again for the resources and best wishes to you, too |
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Zack
New Member
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Post by Zack on Oct 6, 2016 15:17:05 GMT
Good information and all very on point. I am secure in a long term marriage with a dismissive avoidant. Until I understood what my Wife was these were all much more painful than they are today. They cause you to question yourself and your own self worth. After I have gained an understanding of these they do less to damage me personally but still have the effect of pushing me away.
The one that is alluded to in this article but not pointed out specifically is the separation between you and their friends and sometimes family. In my relationship with my wife I have found she keeps me away from any friends and at times family. Once I have an opportunity to meet those friends or interact with the family her interaction, or desire to interact with them diminishes. While I feel that separation is more to preserve their carefully crafted image, it also serves as an excellent dismissive technique. Over time it will make you feel as if you are not good enough, or that they are ashamed of you, or that there is something going on in that group of friends they don't want you there to observe. Your mind infers thoughts of infidelity or excessive flirting. I have found in my personal life that this dismissive technique is often one of the most devastating emotionally in the long run.
Thanks for sharing!
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Post by mrcamper on Nov 11, 2016 4:37:50 GMT
Good information and all very on point. I am secure in a long term marriage with a dismissive avoidant. Until I understood what my Wife was these were all much more painful than they are today. They cause you to question yourself and your own self worth. After I have gained an understanding of these they do less to damage me personally but still have the effect of pushing me away. The one that is alluded to in this article but not pointed out specifically is the separation between you and their friends and sometimes family. In my relationship with my wife I have found she keeps me away from any friends and at times family. Once I have an opportunity to meet those friends or interact with the family her interaction, or desire to interact with them diminishes. While I feel that separation is more to preserve their carefully crafted image, it also serves as an excellent dismissive technique. Over time it will make you feel as if you are not good enough, or that they are ashamed of you, or that there is something going on in that group of friends they don't want you there to observe. Your mind infers thoughts of infidelity or excessive flirting. I have found in my personal life that this dismissive technique is often one of the most devastating emotionally in the long run. Thanks for sharing! Good post you wrote....I was nodding and agreeing as I read it. It is painful. It's like they know just the right buttons to push.... they know how to expose your greatest weakness, we'll well to be honest any buddies weakness and knowing where your partner is there for you in a crisis. And whether they are there for you and all those little things that come up. I wish you the best with everything and I'm sure it provides a lot of comfort in knowing what this is. I became aware of it in the last 2 years. Before that was 4 years of pure hell...blaming myself and her letting me blame myself. I tell myself that I deserve to be loved and I deserve to love someone. |
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