DAs taking responsibility for hurting partner?

haha, gosh i love this! It's really really good. I think everyone's right in their own way!

tgat, I have identified him as DA and me as avoidant. The question is --- is he really DA or am I just so AP that i'm seeing what he does as avoidant. That's also what mary asked. (I don't know how to tag people!)

cardinal, I think it makes great sense what you wrote. It also points to what everyone has said -- FOCUS ON YOURSELF AND BUILD SELF ESTEEM. And in the meantime, compromise on my exacting standards on how things should go, don't contact him so much, and truly believe that he loves me.

Re the communication bits, I'm with Mary on the part about AP needing very clear and specific communication and words. For example, I want to hear exactly what Jaeger typed, with very clear specific committed words. The message differs based on the words used - and this is a principle my partner lives by, so I know he's picking his words carefully, so as not to overpromise and underdeliver. APs do poorly with ambiguity and a lack of information, especially when they need their anxieties soothed. I'm trying to improve on that plus give the other person a break by being generous with my interpretation, but sometimes it is very hard and i lapse.

Jaeger, if any rships trigger anxiety and then I get out of it, I'll never be in one! when people pursue before i feel attracted to them, i become super avoidant. when i'm attracted to them, i tend to pick at it and find all sorts of things i don't like or can't get over. when i'm super attracted to them, i get AP. am I just picky, or unlucky, or self sabotaging max?

Since I'm seeing you fluctuate quite rapidly in between different stances and the amount of readiness to act, I don't think any advice I would give you is likely to sway you here. I'm noticing a lot of things, including some reticence towards some of the points already made and I get the feeling you'll need more time and confirmation of the negative partner pattern you mentioned before you're at the point where you'd be ready to take those on board and make a decision either way. In the meantime, I would suggest starting some exploratory talks with a therapist to start to slowly make sense of all the questions that you have now.