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Post by squirrelkitty on Mar 4, 2018 16:32:11 GMT
Maybe you could trust in your ability to deal with 'robbers' more? I mean, you could be more expressive and if it turns out the other person isn't trustworthy, you could still deal with that when the situation actually arises?
You could also think about how long you've known this person and how they normally react, how likely it is that they will exploit you in the future, etc.
You could also consider that it reflects positively on you if you attract people who are accomplished. I.e. if you find yourself dismissing other people's achievements, wouldn't it mean you have exceptionally poor judgement if you keep surrounding yourself with 'incompetent' people?
(I'm AP and haven't had much of a need to try this myself. I'm just going off what I see in my DA friends. One of them is so distrustful that he doesn't seem to make much of a distinction between the general public and people he has known for a long time. His distrust seems to prevent him from thinking 'I know this person well and I can predict how they will react'. He's also convinced that nobody apart from himself gets anything done. The other one is far more open, but also thinks everybody is lazy and voices this opinion very loudly, which probably makes people think that he'll speak about them the same way.)
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Post by Deleted on Mar 4, 2018 16:57:20 GMT
Maybe you could trust in your ability to deal with 'robbers' more? I mean, you could be more expressive and if it turns out the other person isn't trustworthy, you could still deal with that when the situation actually arises? You could also think about how long you've known this person and how they normally react, how likely it is that they will exploit you in the future, etc. You could also consider that it reflects positively on you if you attract people who are accomplished. I.e. if you find yourself dismissing other people's achievements, wouldn't it mean you have exceptionally poor judgement if you keep surrounding yourself with 'incompetent' people? (I'm AP and haven't had much of a need to try this myself. I'm just going off what I see in my DA friends. One of them is so distrustful that he doesn't seem to make much of a distinction between the general public and people he has known for a long time. His distrust seems to prevent him from thinking 'I know this person well and I can predict how they will react'. He's also convinced that nobody apart from himself gets anything done. The other one is far more open, but also thinks everybody is lazy and voices this opinion very loudly, which probably makes people think that he'll speak about them the same way.) Trust is a learned behavior, usually learned in the first year of life if you go by Ericksons model. If a person learned basic mistrust, it's very difficult to see if people are trustworthy or not. I have found it difficult to learn this skill later in life. |
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Post by squirrelkitty on Mar 4, 2018 17:14:10 GMT
@mary (Sorry, there seems to be something wrong with the 'quote' function, hope you can see my post).
I get that, I'm also distrustful of people in general, but after I've known someone for a long time, I usually learn to trust them.
I think a lot of the problems that DA have in their relationships with AP could be avoided if the DA wasn't actively dismissive. So it's not so much a matter of being more expressive as of being less contemptuous. So I guess refraining from nasty comments is a good first steps.
(I'm not saying that you or the OP are nasty. It's just a thought that I've had. I think if somebody was kind of low key and not very expressive but didn't say anything positive either, I could cope with that. But if they put me down a lot and have never said anything positive, it's kinda hard to believe that they 'like you because otherwise they wouldn't be spending any time with you').
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Post by Deleted on Mar 4, 2018 17:42:22 GMT
@mary (Sorry, there seems to be something wrong with the 'quote' function, hope you can see my post). I get that, I'm also distrustful of people in general, but after I've known someone for a long time, I usually learn to trust them. I think a lot of the problems that DA have in their relationships with AP could be avoided if the DA wasn't actively dismissive. So it's not so much a matter of being more expressive as of being less contemptuous. So I guess refraining from nasty comments is a good first steps. (I'm not saying that you or the OP are nasty. It's just a thought that I've had. I think if somebody was kind of low key and not very expressive but didn't say anything positive either, I could cope with that. But if they put me down a lot and have never said anything positive, it's kinda hard to believe that they 'like you because otherwise they wouldn't be spending any time with you'). Oh I get that. People of all styles say nasty comments and it's definitely offputting. I am DA but dismissive in my actions versus verbal, but I do have to work on making positive comments in general versus just being silent. My problem with APs in the past is that I was too silent for them. Like OP said, sometimes what to say just doesn't come to our mind quickly enough for the moment. |
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Post by squirrelkitty on Mar 4, 2018 18:23:22 GMT
@mary
Makes sense. I'm not specifically slow when it comes to saying something positive, but I'm generally slow to say something relevant/ express myself clearly. I guess you could always tell the person later on social media or per email/ letter if you are close enough with them for this not to be odd. That would work for me as an AP, but I can't speak for all of them.
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Post by goldilocks on Mar 5, 2018 18:17:09 GMT
Maybe you could trust in your ability to deal with 'robbers' more? I mean, you could be more expressive and if it turns out the other person isn't trustworthy, you could still deal with that when the situation actually arises? You could also think about how long you've known this person and how they normally react, how likely it is that they will exploit you in the future, etc. You could also consider that it reflects positively on you if you attract people who are accomplished. I.e. if you find yourself dismissing other people's achievements, wouldn't it mean you have exceptionally poor judgement if you keep surrounding yourself with 'incompetent' people? (I'm AP and haven't had much of a need to try this myself. I'm just going off what I see in my DA friends. One of them is so distrustful that he doesn't seem to make much of a distinction between the general public and people he has known for a long time. His distrust seems to prevent him from thinking 'I know this person well and I can predict how they will react'. He's also convinced that nobody apart from himself gets anything done. The other one is far more open, but also thinks everybody is lazy and voices this opinion very loudly, which probably makes people think that he'll speak about them the same way.) Intellectually, I know most people are trustworthy, but emotionally, the proportions are skewed. So if perhaps 1 in 20 is a 'robber' I will know that but it still feels like it is 1 in 5. Which means it FEELS like being vulnerable is not worth the risk most of the time. Hence, my internal process is slowed down by my apprehension and then the opportunity to say something nice on the spot passes. My close friends whom I have known for 10+ years are trusted friends to me, but I do want to be more spontaneous with newer friends; people I have known for a year or two. Plus, my oldest friends are not that good with feelings either, so they don't expect more than when I am doing right now. This, I have been neglected and left alone all day a few times as a baby. Thus my general percention of how trustworthy people generally are is a bit skewed. With my therapist, I am working on unskewing this by taking a bit more risks with being vulnerable while having a skewed perception on an emotional level. I'm not generally contemptuous or dismissive of other people's achievements. I may occasionally fail to appreciate but I won't actively put anyone down. My goal is really going from saying some nice things sometimes to actively and creatively appreciating more people. |
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