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Post by leavethelighton on Feb 20, 2018 0:43:01 GMT
Anyone else here who is married? I know these boards are full of people who are single/dating, just broken up, etc., and maybe the happily married wouldn't be here-- but I am curious how others' marriages have gone-- what patterns has it gone through, how does this reading about attachment styles affect your marriage now?
I have been married about 15 years with its ups and downs, but working on trying to take it to another level- one where I engage in less distancing and so on.
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nv
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Post by nv on Jun 3, 2020 11:21:30 GMT
Married 30 years to a DA. Until very recently I was unaware of attachment styles. So much is becoming clear to me now. We’ve filed divorce papers. While searching for how a person can discard 30 years of marriage I learned about attachment styles. To his credit, he’s read & watched everything I sent him, feels like he’s been hit with a 2x4, and scheduled a therapist appt.
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shelm
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Post by shelm on Sept 22, 2020 2:18:51 GMT
Married 30 years to a DA. Until very recently I was unaware of attachment styles. So much is becoming clear to me now. We’ve filed divorce papers. While searching for how a person can discard 30 years of marriage I learned about attachment styles. To his credit, he’s read & watched everything I sent him, feels like he’s been hit with a 2x4, and scheduled a therapist appt. Hi just wondering How did it turn out? Similar frustration. But deciding to move on. |
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AM
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Post by AM on Sept 22, 2020 22:47:39 GMT
Married 30 years to a DA. Until very recently I was unaware of attachment styles. So much is becoming clear to me now. We’ve filed divorce papers. While searching for how a person can discard 30 years of marriage I learned about attachment styles. To his credit, he’s read & watched everything I sent him, feels like he’s been hit with a 2x4, and scheduled a therapist appt. Hi just wondering How did it turn out? Similar frustration. But deciding to move on. I am married to another DA who has an extensive attachment trauma functional working model. Not my 1st rodeo with a DA, but 1st with attachment trauma, however I learned long ago to keep asking 'Why' until I get answers. I've learned attachment science to learn about MYSELF and was actually given the gift of discovering attachment science when dating. That said, while I have learned of my precious Secure nature and qualities, I have also learned the depth and breath of familial attractors in my subconscious wheelhouse which has had me rinse and repeat, unconsciously attracting and accepting Insecure attachment in my interpersonal life. Though I am happy to report I've created win-win outcomes regardless, which I've learned is a Secure gift that I greatly value and no longer take in stride or for granted. I am deeply thankful. In my nuclear family I had the gamut of Secure and Insecure attachment so my open and accepting innate nature has been a double whammy in lack of protecting my Secure self. That said, I decided to see this marriage thru to the end (of life), I won't divorce again, and I hope to make a meaningful difference in some capacity within his life story. Even though the story will likely come to it's end in mediocrity or tragedy, it's just a matter of physics and my eyes are wide open. “Marriage isn’t a love affair. It isn’t even a honeymoon. It’s a job at which both partners have to work. If it’s a good marriage (Secure + Secure), it changes, it evolves, but it goes on getting better (Where closeness is rewarded with more closeness, where each is protected and admired). A bad marriage dissolves in a welter of resentment and acrimony (Insecure + Insecure or Insecure + Secure), the sum total of a thousand little irritations, disagreements, idiotic details that in a sound alliance (Secure + Secure) would simply be disregarded, or forgotten, in the healing act of making love” -Rosamunde Pilcher, Wild Mountain Thyme (AM) nv it has taken much courage for a DA to read and watch everything you've sent him and to commit to therapy. I am impressed. I hope the both of you run with it and see where it leads. Shifting attachment functional models takes 3-5 years, or longer, so you both have much to consider. |
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Post by happinessrules on Jun 12, 2021 18:19:40 GMT
Anyone else here who is married? I know these boards are full of people who are single/dating, just broken up, etc., and maybe the happily married wouldn't be here-- but I am curious how others' marriages have gone-- what patterns has it gone through, how does this reading about attachment styles affect your marriage now? I have been married about 15 years with its ups and downs, but working on trying to take it to another level- one where I engage in less distancing and so on. Long time married and just recently discovered Attachment Styles, and my mind exploded. It felt like I was finally getting the correct manual for living life. I am a FA and my husband is a DA, plus we both have CPTSD. I have to tell you it's been a very difficult marriage, but to be fair it was only difficult for me. We went to marriage counseling and that just made everything worse. Of course our trauma or attachment styles were not discussed. My husband appears to be very logical and rational in stressful or emotional situations whereas for me, it's very apparent when I'm upset, so the therapist would dismiss me and validate my husband. It took me a long time to realize how that affected me. As you probably know, people who had childhood trauma may develop serious physical health problems. I was a very sickly child and even though I live a very healthy lifestyle (food & exercise) I was a sickly adult. I came down with Epstein Barr Virus 7 years ago which then rolled right into Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, so I depend on my husband to do the housework, cooking and laundry. I'm also not able to drive, so I'm pretty much stuck in the house all the time. I used to feel guilty until I remembered I used to work 50 hour weeks or more with 3 small children without help from him. Three years ago I told him I was done unless he went to counseling which he did. I helped him find what I thought was a trauma based therapist, but after three years there hasn't been much improvement if any. I started therapy 9 months ago with EMDR and I started to feel more stable and calm after four or five sessions. I have a long way to go, but there was some great initial change. I've tried to talk to him about possibly changing therapists or adding some additional therapies to his regime, but he just gets angry with me and withdraws even more. Right now he goes 1x a month for talk therapy. Do I think my husband will be able to change? No, I don't, but learning about the behaviors of attachment styles has really helped me and I feel emotionally stronger every day. The hard part is I don't want to divorce him (trauma bond?), but I know staying is probably making me sicker because I still get triggered by his behavior and stress is the worst thing for CFS. Some days it all feels a bit hopeless. I'm really curious about how you realized you had these behaviors, and how did you decide to work on them? |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 12, 2021 19:52:17 GMT
Anyone else here who is married? I know these boards are full of people who are single/dating, just broken up, etc., and maybe the happily married wouldn't be here-- but I am curious how others' marriages have gone-- what patterns has it gone through, how does this reading about attachment styles affect your marriage now? I have been married about 15 years with its ups and downs, but working on trying to take it to another level- one where I engage in less distancing and so on. Long time married and just recently discovered Attachment Styles, and my mind exploded. It felt like I was finally getting the correct manual for living life. I am a FA and my husband is a DA, plus we both have CPTSD. I have to tell you it's been a very difficult marriage, but to be fair it was only difficult for me. We went to marriage counseling and that just made everything worse. Of course our trauma or attachment styles were not discussed. My husband appears to be very logical and rational in stressful or emotional situations whereas for me, it's very apparent when I'm upset, so the therapist would dismiss me and validate my husband. It took me a long time to realize how that affected me. As you probably know, people who had childhood trauma may develop serious physical health problems. I was a very sickly child and even though I live a very healthy lifestyle (food & exercise) I was a sickly adult. I came down with Epstein Barr Virus 7 years ago which then rolled right into Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, so I depend on my husband to do the housework, cooking and laundry. I'm also not able to drive, so I'm pretty much stuck in the house all the time. I used to feel guilty until I remembered I used to work 50 hour weeks or more with 3 small children without help from him. Three years ago I told him I was done unless he went to counseling which he did. I helped him find what I thought was a trauma based therapist, but after three years there hasn't been much improvement if any. I started therapy 9 months ago with EMDR and I started to feel more stable and calm after four or five sessions. I have a long way to go, but there was some great initial change. I've tried to talk to him about possibly changing therapists or adding some additional therapies to his regime, but he just gets angry with me and withdraws even more. Right now he goes 1x a month for talk therapy. Do I think my husband will be able to change? No, I don't, but learning about the behaviors of attachment styles has really helped me and I feel emotionally stronger every day. The hard part is I don't want to divorce him (trauma bond?), but I know staying is probably making me sicker because I still get triggered by his behavior and stress is the worst thing for CFS. Some days it all feels a bit hopeless. I'm really curious about how you realized you had these behaviors, and how did you decide to work on them? Pardon me, but my understanding is that this portion of the forum is specifically for DA to talk amongst themselves or with people who understand and support their healing process. It really isn't a place foe you to complain about your dismissive partner and try to find out how we tick. I think that other sections of the forum are perfectly appropriate to begin this discussion for your own questions, just not this particular area. Someone will be along to correct me if I am mistaken, this is just how it was explained to me. |
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