What's your experience with being a parent?

What's your experience with parenting?

Sometimes I worry I overcompensate because I want my kids to feel more loved by me than I have felt by my parents (ex: so I engage in "attachment parenting" and striving for unconditional love and always being there, but taking it too far and not setting enough boundaries). Boundary setting is getting easier with time and parenting experience, but I always feel guilty about it when I do it even though I can see the benefit of doing it.

I also feel a lot of guilt if I am not always THERE, like if I get angry at a child and so leave the room to cool off. Intellectually I know it can be healthy to cool off and then return to reconcile, but I feel like I'm abandoning the child or emotionally wounding them. Again, I think I try to overcompensate.

I also find it hard to spend a lot of time being with my children without wanting to disassociate. I think some of this is just introversion and wanting more breaks and alone time than I can get. (My spouse and I are on our own-- no family in a thousand miles-- so we don't get the sort of breaks some people get who have family around). However, maybe there is more to it-- I keep wanting to walk off to do dishes, laundry, cook, read a magazine, play on my smartphone, whatever. I don't want to be THAT parent but whenever I spend time with my kids I have the urge to disassociate. At the same time, when I get together with my parents and they are endlessly escaping into their computers/televisions, etc., I feel hurt and uncared for and vow to not be my parents.

On the more plus side, I find it easy to think my kid are great-- to not wish they would be different people. Sometimes I wish their behaviors would change, but they are the easiest people to want to just appreciate them as they are, and that's a beautiful thing.