Post by malena on Oct 24, 2015 12:32:16 GMT
Hi there,
Like many of you, I have met and dated many dismissive avoidants in my life but hadn't realized I was doing this until I came across "Attached" and Jeb's book. This happened a little longer than a year ago when I could no longer support the pain of being hurt (emotionally) by my then "boyfriend". I fortunately managed to come out of that relationship, and since then I have been a lot more careful about getting involved with people. I am anxious-preoccupied, and so this has not been easy, but has been possible. A little longer than 2 months ago I met this guy (via a dating site). We exchanged emails and it was fun but I also had at first doubts whether he was really available for a relationship. Nothing specific, just a general feeling. Since I am not an expert, I felt the best I could do was to meet him personally. And so we did, and we fell nearly immediately for each other. I had never experienced something like this before. I felt contained, safe, admired, respected, supported, and we had a lot of fun together. He was warm, responsive, caring, wanting to meet, genuine, intimate.
Harry has epilepsy. He has had it all of his life, and had been under medication for over 20 years. At the beginning of this year, he stopped taking the pills because he hadn't had an incident for like 10 years (with doctor's approval). However, he didn't stop slowly (as you are meant to) but abruptly. He then had a fairly serious incident which he attributed to a body reaction to the lack of pills. Six months later, he had another serious incident. So he started taking pills again, in relatively high doses. Harry is a doctor himself, so he cannot afford to have even small absences. This was around the time we met.
The pills have had an impact on him, and they are known to produce mood swings, and have other secondary effects. He feels he is not himself anymore, and he has also changed in the way he behaves with me. About one month into our relationship, he suddenly disappeared for a full weekend. No texts, emails, not reachable by phone.... This shook me completely, I worried he'd be in hospital, dead, because of his illness, or that he'd be just like the other guys, avoiding me because I had come too close. I couldn't reach him, and on monday I called to his office. We talked lengthy later that evening. He apologized a thousand times, said he had never done something like this before, that it was horrible of him towards me, that he felt he needed peace (and he was basically on his own, completely alone the whole weekend). After that my anxious-alarm bells haven't really stopped ringing. Because of our busy schedules (travel, kids), and although we were in touch and it seemed ok, although not the same as before, we weren't able to see each other until 2 weeks after that incident. But when we did, it was magical, just perfect. From both sides. Two days later, I got an email from him saying that he did not want to be in a relationship, nor with me nor with anyone. That it wasn't me, and that I deserved better. That he was just not himself and he needed space. The e-mail was very dual, because he also said he loved me, and that in fact, when we are together or we are in touch, it is just perfect, heaven...
We have met since then, we have talked over the phone, and when together it is really heaven, but when we part, he changes. He distances himself emotionally. Not fully, because he still writes every now and then (also love poems), and can be caring, but he is not the same person. He has asked me for space, said that he loves me, but that he needs to find peace. I do not know what to do... I have had sleepless nights, because I am very distressed (as an anxious person, this coming and going has driven me fully out of balance). Do you think that I should give him the space and wait? Or should I try move on because he is really become an avoidant? Can this be temporary? I am in love with him, and he is the first person that I have met in a really really long time with whom I could be myself fully, and it is (or was) reciprocal. This is why it is so difficult...
Like many of you, I have met and dated many dismissive avoidants in my life but hadn't realized I was doing this until I came across "Attached" and Jeb's book. This happened a little longer than a year ago when I could no longer support the pain of being hurt (emotionally) by my then "boyfriend". I fortunately managed to come out of that relationship, and since then I have been a lot more careful about getting involved with people. I am anxious-preoccupied, and so this has not been easy, but has been possible. A little longer than 2 months ago I met this guy (via a dating site). We exchanged emails and it was fun but I also had at first doubts whether he was really available for a relationship. Nothing specific, just a general feeling. Since I am not an expert, I felt the best I could do was to meet him personally. And so we did, and we fell nearly immediately for each other. I had never experienced something like this before. I felt contained, safe, admired, respected, supported, and we had a lot of fun together. He was warm, responsive, caring, wanting to meet, genuine, intimate.
Harry has epilepsy. He has had it all of his life, and had been under medication for over 20 years. At the beginning of this year, he stopped taking the pills because he hadn't had an incident for like 10 years (with doctor's approval). However, he didn't stop slowly (as you are meant to) but abruptly. He then had a fairly serious incident which he attributed to a body reaction to the lack of pills. Six months later, he had another serious incident. So he started taking pills again, in relatively high doses. Harry is a doctor himself, so he cannot afford to have even small absences. This was around the time we met.
The pills have had an impact on him, and they are known to produce mood swings, and have other secondary effects. He feels he is not himself anymore, and he has also changed in the way he behaves with me. About one month into our relationship, he suddenly disappeared for a full weekend. No texts, emails, not reachable by phone.... This shook me completely, I worried he'd be in hospital, dead, because of his illness, or that he'd be just like the other guys, avoiding me because I had come too close. I couldn't reach him, and on monday I called to his office. We talked lengthy later that evening. He apologized a thousand times, said he had never done something like this before, that it was horrible of him towards me, that he felt he needed peace (and he was basically on his own, completely alone the whole weekend). After that my anxious-alarm bells haven't really stopped ringing. Because of our busy schedules (travel, kids), and although we were in touch and it seemed ok, although not the same as before, we weren't able to see each other until 2 weeks after that incident. But when we did, it was magical, just perfect. From both sides. Two days later, I got an email from him saying that he did not want to be in a relationship, nor with me nor with anyone. That it wasn't me, and that I deserved better. That he was just not himself and he needed space. The e-mail was very dual, because he also said he loved me, and that in fact, when we are together or we are in touch, it is just perfect, heaven...
We have met since then, we have talked over the phone, and when together it is really heaven, but when we part, he changes. He distances himself emotionally. Not fully, because he still writes every now and then (also love poems), and can be caring, but he is not the same person. He has asked me for space, said that he loves me, but that he needs to find peace. I do not know what to do... I have had sleepless nights, because I am very distressed (as an anxious person, this coming and going has driven me fully out of balance). Do you think that I should give him the space and wait? Or should I try move on because he is really become an avoidant? Can this be temporary? I am in love with him, and he is the first person that I have met in a really really long time with whom I could be myself fully, and it is (or was) reciprocal. This is why it is so difficult...
