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Post by kristyrose on Feb 24, 2018 18:21:11 GMT
Ok everyone,
So I saw my ex on thursday, he invited me to a movie and I really wanted to see him. we had a great time, when I dropped him off he brought up the weekend and said he was either going to tahoe or going to his roommates birthday party, said he would let me know maybe we could meet up. He was vague and when I got home I wasn't sure if he meant saturday evening, or maybe sunday.
At any rate, I felt kinda anxious yesterday thinking about all of this, also thinking that I should not even be making plans with him anymore and why am i?! so I was torn all day between what my heart wanted and what my head knew was another big mistake.
By the evening I was at a friends house, she was hosting people, I was having fun but drinking A LOT of wine, and texted my ex saying that if I went to my friend patricks house, he could go with and take my car to the snow-(my friend lives near snow and we have stayed there before when we were a couple so my ex could snowboard).
Of course my ex immediately responded that he would like that- but this weekend the timing was too tight, I agreed- then he said he was just going to go to his roommates party and that was it. I then asked if he wanted to meet up after, he said can we just play it by ear, keep in touch but i should make other plans.
this triggered me, I started asking WHY doesnt he want to hang and is it because there will be girls at the party- he wants to see what's there? He said, i just don't want to say yes if I'm day drinking and maybe tired later- make other plans don't wanna text anymore and he said, i was clear after the movie about this. But he wasn't so i called him out on that and it went back and forth a bit and my texts were just embarrassing. I said I value friendships, they can't be one-sided, blah blah- my time is valuable. UGH. It was gross.
Not only do i recognize that I manipulated the whole situation by starting with the trip to the snow, I made it so much worse with the protesting behavior, badgering him about hanging out, my worst AP tendencies reared their head. His last text was fuck the bs. i can't say I blame him.
I sent an apology text, very short- just that my texts are embarrassing, i drank too much on an empty stomach and i was sorry.
Seems like I need a time-out. Maybe a good solid 30 minutes or more in the corner with a dunce hat.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 24, 2018 19:00:33 GMT
don't beat yourself up kristyrose.
insight into our own patterns is painful and the shame is only useful to the point it causes us to identify where we went wrong and begin to train oursekves to think and behave differently.
the insecure attachment behaviors are all conditioned and subconscious. they manifested when you were just a precious little innocent girl.
they are survival tactics you learned then that were just the best you could do.
hug that little girl.
and help her trust you, adult kristyrose, as you explore another way.
hug that little girl she isn't a dunce she really didn't know a better way.
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Post by kristyrose on Feb 24, 2018 19:11:01 GMT
don't beat yourself up kristyrose. insight into our own patterns is painful and the shame is only useful to the point it causes us to identify where we went wrong and begin to train oursekves to think and behave differently. the insecure attachment behaviors are all conditioned and subconscious. they manifested when you were just a precious little innocent girl. they are survival tactics you learned then that were just the best you could do. hug that little girl. and help her trust you, adult kristyrose, as you explore another way. hug that little girl she isn't a dunce she really didn't know a better way. Thank you T. I needed to hear that. Sitting here just crying and trying to reassure myself that I'm doing the best I can and that I'm only human. I'm dreading the silence I am sure to get from my ex, because that is a really big trigger so I'm going to work hard to shift my focus off of that and him, and see friends and be around people I love. I see myself through what I think he sees: someone who is pathetic and can't control her emotions I need to see myself as I am: someone who is hurting and trying and makes mistakes sometimes, but has good intentions and a kind heart |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 24, 2018 19:18:36 GMT
❤️❤️❤️ kristyrose, just don't forget- his perceptions of you are shaped by his own backstory. his own coping mechanisms are shaped by his own backstory. they aren't about you. honestly, both sides of this dance exploit one another and even if we cognitively realize that, the original feelings of woundedness hamper our ability to see the bigger picture. sometimes. i realize that my big feelings carry within them important information!!! when i have been truly exploited as an adult (and i have been, in painful painful ways) , i was somehow, maddeningly, complicit. sure i feel angry at myself for it, but even that has important information to offer me. it tells me, my thoughts and actions are bringing harm to me! if i own it, i can change it! that realization alone dispels some of the shame and makes me feel more empowered, empowered enough to commit to myself and to growing in ways that will enable me to stop harming myself in toxic relationships and interactions. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 24, 2018 19:20:44 GMT
it would be nice if we could just recognize how dysfunctional our exes are and presto whamo rise above our own difficulty, but that isn't the case.
we have to own what is ours and release them to do their thing with themselves or the next dance partner.
they aren't chasing us off the dance floor, they are cutting a rug. not gonna stop just because we want to.
save yourself. stop dancing.
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Post by kristyrose on Feb 24, 2018 19:45:56 GMT
❤️❤️❤️ kristyrose , just don't forget- his perceptions of you are shaped by his own backstory. his own coping mechanisms are shaped by his own backstory. they aren't about you. honestly, both sides of this dance exploit one another and even if we cognitively realize that, the original feelings of woundedness hamper our ability to see the bigger picture. sometimes. i realize that my big feelings carry within them important information!!! when i have been truly exploited as an adult (and i have been, in painful painful ways) , i was somehow, maddeningly, complicit. sure i feel angry at myself for it, but even that has important information to offer me. it tells me, my thoughts and actions are bringing harm to me! if i own it, i can change it! that realization alone dispels some of the shame and makes me feel more empowered, empowered enough to commit to myself and to growing in ways that will enable me to stop harming myself in toxic relationships and interactions. when I'm sitting here in the deep deep pain its so hard to remember these important things. i do like what you are saying about remembering that my own thoughts and actions are what is harming me. Honestly had i not drunk texted, I would not be sitting here crying and more than likely he would have reached out anyway later- not that THAT matters but what I am getting at is that I am actively harming myself, I can see this very clearly today. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 24, 2018 19:50:13 GMT
i know how much it sucks to have to endure the consequences of my own misguided actions.
i do.
this too shall pass. i know it sucks SO BAD.
this kind of thing is what galvanized me to commit to my recovery and changing my patterns.
i just don't want to sabotage myself any more!
i want to be happy!!
i am getting there.
you will too! just ride this out and make a commitment to yourself. there is hope in THAT.
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Post by kristyrose on Feb 24, 2018 21:07:19 GMT
i know how much it sucks to have to endure the consequences of my own misguided actions. i do. this too shall pass. i know it sucks SO BAD. this kind of thing is what galvanized me to commit to my recovery and changing my patterns. i just don't want to sabotage myself any more! i want to be happy!! i am getting there. you will too! just ride this out and make a commitment to yourself. there is hope in THAT. Yes that is perfectly stated, i keep feeling like I'm out of control, that i cannot stop myself from seeing him and needing to know he cares, its like I'll disappear and it scares me. I feel a bit hopeless, so I need to keep going and make a commitment to behave differently. So hard T- today all I want is a hug and to feel better |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 24, 2018 21:15:53 GMT
i know how much it sucks to have to endure the consequences of my own misguided actions. i do. this too shall pass. i know it sucks SO BAD. this kind of thing is what galvanized me to commit to my recovery and changing my patterns. i just don't want to sabotage myself any more! i want to be happy!! i am getting there. you will too! just ride this out and make a commitment to yourself. there is hope in THAT. Yes that is perfectly stated, i keep feeling like I'm out of control, that i cannot stop myself from seeing him and needing to know he cares, its like I'll disappear and it scares me. I feel a bit hopeless, so I need to keep going and make a commitment to behave differently. So hard T- today all I want is a hug and to feel better you're activated , it's very intense, and this is when you have to do everything you know, use every single tool in your kit. it will pass, at least become less intense. and when it does you can be sure you will want to keep doing everything you can to avoid pushing that lever (like a rat in a lab) to get a fix.... all that comes out of that little spout called "attention from ex" is poison. i wish i had good advice what to do to deactivate! i have felt anxiety about a partner before but as soon as i identified it it totally deflated because i realized somehow it was an illusion.... he fell off the pedestal. so it's not my typical reaction to these situations. i wish i could give you a little Avoidant Vitamin.... a strategy to deactivate. I am able to tell myself "I am an island." and it's not just an avoidant thing, it's precious and true to me. I am not a lonely island, i am a beautiful, sanctuary island. it's not all bad to be an island, i am learning to swim to other people's shores and welcome them to mine. its such a different frame of reference. I wish i could make you feel safe. I wish i could help you.  |
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Post by kristyrose on Feb 24, 2018 21:59:48 GMT
Yes that is perfectly stated, i keep feeling like I'm out of control, that i cannot stop myself from seeing him and needing to know he cares, its like I'll disappear and it scares me. I feel a bit hopeless, so I need to keep going and make a commitment to behave differently. So hard T- today all I want is a hug and to feel better you're activated , it's very intense, and this is when you have to do everything you know, use every single tool in your kit. it will pass, at least become less intense. and when it does you can be sure you will want to keep doing everything you can to avoid pushing that lever (like a rat in a lab) to get a fix.... all that comes out of that little spout called "attention from ex" is poison. i wish i had good advice what to do to deactivate! i have felt anxiety about a partner before but as soon as i identified it it totally deflated because i realized somehow it was an illusion.... he fell off the pedestal. so it's not my typical reaction to these situations. i wish i could give you a little Avoidant Vitamin.... a strategy to deactivate. I am able to tell myself "I am an island." and it's not just an avoidant thing, it's precious and true to me. I am not a lonely island, i am a beautiful, sanctuary island. it's not all bad to be an island, i am learning to swim to other people's shores and welcome them to mine. its such a different frame of reference. I wish i could make you feel safe. I wish i could help you. I'm nodding and crying about all that you have said. It is so intense, the pain feels excruciating today and all I want is to hear from him and know he cares, but he's at a party and he doesnt. He's probably totally disgusted by me, thinks I'm pathetic. I so wish you could give me an avoidant vitamin! I need like 2 or 3! This morning I was trying really hard to tell myself, I am safe with ME, I am not safe with HIM. I am OK with me, I even told myself, I am here for you, you are OK, you are loved. Then of course, as each hour passes all I can think of is, what HE thinks, which doesnt matter and i will never know. I keep causing myself pain T, and I need to look ahead and hold onto myself. This post does make me feel safe and you are helping in a way that no one can because you understand what its like to hurt yourself and fight to save yourself. I'm crying so hard but its OK. I know it will pass, I need to set myself free from this person. I really appreciate you so much |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 24, 2018 22:09:25 GMT
kristyrose , boy do i know. the pain. funny i posted this morning about my own need to scream and cry. we can do this. one thing, that helps me. one of the virtues i strive to cultivate with my spiritual practice, is tolerance. not just of other people. that isn't even the MOST precious tolerance to have. Tolerance for MYSELF, Tolerance for my suffering, tolerance for the pain, tolerance for the process. tolerance for not knowing. tolerance for anguish that seems like it will never end, but does end. tolerance for getting it wrong. tolerance for no relief, yet. when i remember this, bearing the pain becomes noble just because i am learning to tolerate it and not act out of it. i let it be, let it teach me, let it inspire me, let it change me, let it call forward my own love for myself, just like you are doing. have tolerance for yourself for not believing it yet, that you are ok and safe with yourself. be patient with your own suffering, because it really does have a message for you. it's a loving message. its actually a new message. just be, for now. however you are, just be that and have tolerance for yourself.
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Post by kristyrose on Feb 24, 2018 22:46:43 GMT
Leaving the house to see friends and keeping this post open to read on and off today.
I cannot thank u enough, u r saving me today. U really are.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 24, 2018 23:15:49 GMT
❤️❤️❤️ kristyrose , just don't forget- his perceptions of you are shaped by his own backstory. his own coping mechanisms are shaped by his own backstory. they aren't about you. honestly, both sides of this dance exploit one another and even if we cognitively realize that, the original feelings of woundedness hamper our ability to see the bigger picture. sometimes. i realize that my big feelings carry within them important information!!! when i have been truly exploited as an adult (and i have been, in painful painful ways) , i was somehow, maddeningly, complicit. sure i feel angry at myself for it, but even that has important information to offer me. it tells me, my thoughts and actions are bringing harm to me! if i own it, i can change it! that realization alone dispels some of the shame and makes me feel more empowered, empowered enough to commit to myself and to growing in ways that will enable me to stop harming myself in toxic relationships and interactions. when I'm sitting here in the deep deep pain its so hard to remember these important things. i do like what you are saying about remembering that my own thoughts and actions are what is harming me. Honestly had i not drunk texted, I would not be sitting here crying and more than likely he would have reached out anyway later- not that THAT matters but what I am getting at is that I am actively harming myself, I can see this very clearly today. I think we all do this. It is the search for the ultimate resolution to our own pain that makes us stumble and fall into a pile of needles. If we could only see the pile of needles before we are in them. We think that by falling and falling again, we will find the resolution. The resolution isn't there, it's still the same pile of needles. kristyrose, Forgive yourself, focus your energy inward and move on. I hope you feel better soon. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 25, 2018 0:17:04 GMT
Leaving the house to see friends and keeping this post open to read on and off today. I cannot thank u enough, u r saving me today. U really are. our sharing is helping me a lot today too kristyrose. i am feeling ok after the big wave of feelings yesterday and this morning. i realized some things from it. i realized, that i am doing great. when i am experiencing things inside of me i am riding it out. and, "writing" it out, here. i feel proud of myself. i want to encourage you. when you get to a place of detachment (and you will. you will. ) you will see the situations which used to disempower you, in a new light. you will see yourself changing, you will hear yourself say NO to something that used to boss you around, a person, a thought, a feeling... you will be standing up for yourself, standing by yourself, and you will feel proud. look forward to that. it's ok to have hope for that, even if you don't have hope for much else. this stuff really works for lots of hurting people and it will work for you and i also. i already see it working in me. i am thinking today, of all the things i am good at, the gifts i have to offer to fellow humans, the talents i have, the things i like about me. the reason i am thinking about those things is i was feeling shame earlier about selling myself short and getting very hurt in the process. i think every person has done that at some point or another, some just more often and to a greater degree. you aren't uniquely flawed, none of us are. this human life, is full of pain. but there are good things right along side. today i look for the good things! appreciate every single little thing that is good and nice and beautiful and refreshing around you , when you remember to. like even a tiny little flower blooming it's heart out for you, or a friendly person who smiles, or anything at all, good food that nourishes your body...recognize all the little good things! they are always there even when you are hurting so much. |
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Post by yasmin on Feb 25, 2018 0:36:45 GMT
I'm sorry this happened but I'm glad you shared it with us. I'm glad you can see it was protest behavior and recognise it. But the thing is...it's like an alcoholic in a bar. Until you realise the bar is bad for you then you keep going there and getting drunk. It's not a safe place for you Think of the protest behavior as the whisky and your ex as the bar. Every time you go near him he is going to trigger this side of you which causes you so much pain |
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