Post by goldilocks on Feb 25, 2018 22:09:29 GMT
Working on our own healing and behaviour is something we have a lot of influence over, working on others' behaviour is far less effective as we have very little influence.
When there is drama, the first place to look is inside. Even if the other person did wrong, ask yourself "Why was I attracted to this person?" "Why did I stay so long?" "Why do I want someone back who did not make me happy?"
A secure with an avoidant does not typically lead to drama. Generally, the avoidant offers what he or she can and the secure is either satisfied with it or if not ends the relationship. My first serious relationship was with a secure guy and at that point I was much more avoidant than today. We had a good relationship for a few years and then he told me that it was good, but not deep enough for him. He did ask me back after a while, but did not obsess and was cool when I declined.
Now an unaware AP is going to take everything an avoidant does, personally. So he or she will feel hurt by the basic DAness yet at the same time be attracted to the avoidant style. Plus, the AP will continue to pursue the relationship even when they are not at all satisfied. Every conflict has the potential to turn into a traumatising trap.
This video explains it well:
www.youtube.com/watch?v=GfiJnexg-U0
When there is drama, the first place to look is inside. Even if the other person did wrong, ask yourself "Why was I attracted to this person?" "Why did I stay so long?" "Why do I want someone back who did not make me happy?"
A secure with an avoidant does not typically lead to drama. Generally, the avoidant offers what he or she can and the secure is either satisfied with it or if not ends the relationship. My first serious relationship was with a secure guy and at that point I was much more avoidant than today. We had a good relationship for a few years and then he told me that it was good, but not deep enough for him. He did ask me back after a while, but did not obsess and was cool when I declined.
Now an unaware AP is going to take everything an avoidant does, personally. So he or she will feel hurt by the basic DAness yet at the same time be attracted to the avoidant style. Plus, the AP will continue to pursue the relationship even when they are not at all satisfied. Every conflict has the potential to turn into a traumatising trap.
This video explains it well:
www.youtube.com/watch?v=GfiJnexg-U0
