How to approach an avoidant in order to save relationship?

h
New Member

Posts: 2

How to approach an avoidant in order to save relationship? Jul 25, 2016 4:39:26 GMT

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Post by h on Jul 25, 2016 4:39:26 GMT

I am somewhat anxiously attached, and he has displayed avoidant behaviors.

When we met, it was very very intense. We fell deeply in love. He had no problem expressing how he felt. We moved in together quickly. The intimacy was incredible. It was like a religious experience. We discussed marriage, and children openly. None of this seems avoidant! In fact, no one in my life has given me so much attention and security as he did.

About 6 months into living together, I was triggered. He did not want to cuddle as much, which really set me off. He had moods - silent moods where I was not able to engage him in conversation, and during which times he could not be physically touched. My insecurities were triggered, and I asked for reassurance. He responded coldly. It would have been easy for him to hug me and tell me everything was OK, but he was unable to do that. He would claim nothing was wrong, but he was unable to reassure and communication regarding this was difficult. There was a downward spiral.

Throughout all of this we still loved each other. The sex remained very emotional and incredible.

Eventually I was anxious all the time. He couldn't handle that and distanced himself. He took a job out of town, saying I could join him after he settled his career. But he couldn't make that step of having me move out there. of course, this escalated matters even more - I was hanging on for dear life, I believed, and still believe, that he is the love of my life.

He said he loves me, he still wants all of the things we have always dreamed about, but that he does not know how to do that and succeed in his career at the same time. His career is pretty demanding - it takes a lot of his brain power.

I've been reading about attachment styles. I know his behavior is avoidant, but when we started, it was so opposite that. I don't know the best way to approach him. But I feel like knowing about these dynamics could help us to give it another try in a more educated way.

What are your thoughts? Did we trigger each other to become avoidant an anxious? Is there hope for us?

mrcamper
New Member

Posts: 38

How to approach an avoidant in order to save relationship? Jul 31, 2016 11:51:12 GMT via Tapatalk tnr9 likes this

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Post by mrcamper on Jul 31, 2016 11:51:12 GMT

Wow. Very sorry you are going through this. I'm a guy but I very much understand what you are saying.
Try to get yourself under control. I know it's hard but don't 'focus' on him or what he is doing or why. You need to get yourself to an OK place. I say this because I can relate so what you have said in your post.
And seriously consider if you can ACCEPT him and not change him.
The person he is now is who he really is. And I'm sure it was amazing at first, but now that that charming time is over, this is who he is.

Work on you. You deserve to be loved and respected.

Maybe read the book Attached. And healmylife.com about silent divorce.

And keep an index card in your wallet of positive and true statements when youre having a bad day that you can look at when you get in a negative loop.

Work on you! This is who he is. What will you accept or reject?

katy
Sticky Post Powers

Posts: 147

How to approach an avoidant in order to save relationship? Aug 1, 2016 2:04:48 GMT

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Post by katy on Aug 1, 2016 2:04:48 GMT

I'm sorry you're going through this heartbreak. From what you've said, he's a very solo operator if he just left to take a new job and you weren't part of the planning and your future visits and future move weren't part of the discussion.

Work has been the excuse to get away that avoidants have used with so many people on this forum. The avoidants probably use work as an excuse because work is considered more socially neutral than discussing anything to do with the relationship or how the avoidant is feeling. Who can argue if somebody has to work?

BTW, in your other post you mentioned he can't eat his special diet for his job when you are around. That sounds pretty strange - what job? what diet? why can't he eat his diet?

As so many people have attested, realistically there's probably no possibility that things are going to go back to how they used to be. He's finally showing you his real personality and, as you can see, he's very much a one-man show. Talk is cheap - he can say all of the great things about a possible future, but if he moved without discussing it with you and didn't plan for you to continue as a couple, it's only talk. There's no action from his end.

In contrast, many years ago, I had to move to take a new job because my company was having layoffs. The man who has been my husband for over 20 years was, at the time, my boyfriend. I moved about 5 hours away from him and every single weekend he drove to see me after work on Friday, spent the weekend with me, and drove back home on Sunday.

Here are several things that I found helpful in dealing with the sadness of being rejected:

Susan Anderson - her books on abandonment trauma

Susan Peabody - her Web site and books on love addiction

Google search on "Seductive Withholders" - an interesting description of avoidants and how they start out being very loving and then become very rejecting - either because of narcissism or because of fear. The general advice is that they are impossible to deal with.

Several weeks ago, on the Dismissive Avoidant Forum, I also posted a link to a very interesting article about the strategies that avoidants use to distance themselves. It's an excellent article and describes the flip in attitude that you and many other people have mentioned.

Best wishes,

Katy