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Post by madamebovary on Feb 26, 2018 23:21:35 GMT
Mary (or anyone) can someone elaborate a little on the difference between FA and DA? I am working on me (AP). .. but because I seem to pick avoidant partners (and even friends).. I’m trying to figure it out. My last guy I really thought was secure at first. He as so attentive and kind and very, very loving. He said all the right things... but after we spent quality time together, he would always go MIA for a few days. I should have picked up on that, I guess. And then as I got triggered, more of his resistance started showing. I want to not pick partners like this again... but it seems like I can’t tell in the beginning. He did say he doesn’t have a lot of friends because he’s bad at maintaining friendships but I just thought he was a workaholic. Anwyay... I know I have to stay vigilant on my end, but it seems like part of that will be recognizing an avoidant earlier so I can detach before I’m so deep in it. From Jeb's site: "The two avoidant types (dismissive-avoidant and fearful-avoidant) share a subconscious fear that caregivers are not reliable and intimacy is a dangerous thing. The dismissive-avoidant individuals (who we will call Dismissives) have completed a mental transformation that says: “I am good, I don’t need others, and they aren’t really important to me. I am fine as I am,” while the fearful-avoidant are still consciously craving an intimacy which scares them when it actually happens." Right. I’ve read the site and his avoidant book... but the practical application still eludes me, as far as distinguishing one from the other “in the wild.” I would have pegged my last ex as DA, but as I learn more, many of his behaviors were more FA. I suppose it doesn’t matter if I should stay away from Avoidants altogether, as an AP. But when you get up there in age, the dating pool is now full of people that are not secure.... so it’s likely I’ll run into one again. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 27, 2018 0:40:46 GMT
madamebovary, I don't know if there is any way to really determine a person's style in the beginning like that. It's likely you will be attracted to one again as anxious and avoidant have a strong attraction in general. The literature says if you change your own style to secure, you will be less attracted to insecure styles.
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Post by madamebovary on Feb 27, 2018 0:45:10 GMT
madamebovary, I don't know if there is any way to really determine a person's style in the beginning like that. It's likely you will be attracted to one again as anxious and avoidant have a strong attraction in general. The literature says if you change your own style to secure, you will be less attracted to insecure styles. True... sometimes that feels as likely as “if you just grow some gills, you’ll be able to swim better.” Ha. Uuuugh... such an Sisyphusian task. Forward. Forward. Ever forward  |
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fifi
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Post by fifi on Apr 20, 2018 12:27:26 GMT
Hi, Laura. Yes, if you want to share your story, yes please send me a msg. =)
I can’t believe it has been two months since I wrote this. Updates: He texted (sms because he is blocked on whatsapp) me again again and again when I ignored all of them. I thought our talk was really done and there was nothing left to talk about, so for me, there wasn’t any reason to reply to his msg. His msgs were short but his last one was quite desperate asking my whereabouts and how I am. It was this Monday so five days ago. In the past two months, I could reflect on our relationship, how unhappy I was and how he was unable to provide what I want. I do miss him but I doubt that if I want to start again because if the relationship is going to be the way it was, I’d rather want to start with someone else who can offer what I want. I’m glad that I’m healed to some extent and this forum helped me a lot to understand about DA.
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Post by kelvain on Apr 24, 2018 2:22:36 GMT
Hi, Laura. Yes, if you want to share your story, yes please send me a msg. =) I can’t believe it has been two months since I wrote this. Updates: He texted (sms because he is blocked on whatsapp) me again again and again when I ignored all of them. I thought our talk was really done and there was nothing left to talk about, so for me, there wasn’t any reason to reply to his msg. His msgs were short but his last one was quite desperate asking my whereabouts and how I am. It was this Monday so five days ago. In the past two months, I could reflect on our relationship, how unhappy I was and how he was unable to provide what I want. I do miss him but I doubt that if I want to start again because if the relationship is going to be the way it was, I’d rather want to start with someone else who can offer what I want. I’m glad that I’m healed to some extent and this forum helped me a lot to understand about DA. Hi fifi. I just wanted to say it's really great to hear how well you are doing. Sounds like you are healing nicely! |
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